RESOLVE - You Are Not Alone

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). This is something that has become very near and dear to my heart. The theme this year is "You Are Not Alone". I am participating in the Bloggers Unite Challenge to help spread the word and to show women that are battling this disease that they in fact are not alone.

Love this image that is on their site

From the beginning of our infertility journey, we knew that we couldn't do it alone. We slowly started to tell our family and close friends. It was embarrassing to me, knowing that my body couldn't do what it is supposed to. That every other woman in my life is able to do. It took me awhile but I finally realized that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't anything that I did.

I have had many people tell me that they wouldn't be able to be as strong as me if they were going through the same thing. The truth is I have no choice but to be strong. You have to fight for yourself, become an advocate for yourself, especially in the doctor's office. Because, at the end of the day only you know your body.

One of the things that has helped me so much is the local support group that I became a part of. We have a private social media group and about a year ago met face to face for the first time. Through this past year the women in this group have become some of my closest confidants. They just get it. Unless you have gone through infertility it is hard to explain. You just don't know the feelings, the havoc that it can wreak on your body let alone your mind. These women have been my saving grace and for that I am so very thankful. I am a true believer that God brings people in to your life at the right time. Even though I don't necessarily like the reason why we were brought together, I am so grateful to have them in my life.

Our meeting for the month of April

It has also been a huge relief for me to be public about our journey. Not only does it keep friends and family updated that don't live close, but it helps bring those awkward conversations to life. Things that most people would be scared or nervous to ask me about. Through my blog it gives a starting point. It also makes me feel not so alone. The encouragement that I have received from people is an amazing feeling. As well as the notes that I get that tell me that I have inspired them. It makes all of this worth it.

I want anyone to know that is suffering in silence through infertility that you are not alone. There is a huge community out there for you to lean on. And more than likely, someone that is sitting next to you at work, at church, etc. is probably suffering from infertility as well. 1 in 8 is more than likely someone that you know. No one with infertility should have to walk it alone.

I am also extremely grateful for my husband. He is there for me day in and day out. Always there to give me a hug or talk when I break out in tears for no reason or maybe a big reason. I always knew we were the right fit for each other, from the day that I met him. This journey has made us so much stronger as a couple and I couldn't image this struggle without him.

Where There Is Hope...

I found this quote and it is so true for me this week...

Through our entire journey I have tried to never give up hope. That is the one thing about it, always something to hold on to. When we decided to start our adoption journey after struggling through our infertility journey we had to lay some things to rest. 

Things that most people our age don't have to do. Infertility is such a grieving process. I don't think you truly know unless you have gone through it. You have to grieve a baby you may never have. Just like a death. Except you have to say goodbye to someone that you never even got a chance to meet. Which may sound crazy to most people, but it is the truth. And it is so sad, you never know when the end of the road is. There is always that little glimmer of hope that you just can't give up on.

When you are growing up you picture what your family will look like when you are grown. That your children will look like part of you and part of your husband. You hear it all the time; he/she looks so much like you. That is one of the many things that infertility strips from you. That we may never have someone say that to us about our future children.

This Monday was a HUGE day. After 2 years and 10 months of nothing, no signs whatsoever of my fertile years. I got my cycle back. So many emotions have been involved. I cried, was in disbelief, complete and udder shock. 

I have had two reproductive endocrinologists and two OBGYN's tell me that this will never happen. That I would never get my cycle back because I am in full blow menopause. We have tried everything for almost two years. Countless herbs, supplements, fertility tea, castor oil packs, drinking the nastiest tasting thing I have ever had; wheat grass! And all in one day, everything changed. Just like that. 

I don't know what made it happen, will probably never know. But, I do know that after all of our hard work; it feels like it has finally paid off. 

I am still getting my massages and I feel like that has a lot to do with it. When I called my massage therapist to tell her the news I had tears in my eyes. She was so thrilled for me as well. And has stood behind me every step of the way. Always going the extra mile to help me out and to help me get answers. I am so indebted to her for being my cheerleader. I know that God puts people in your life for a reason and I truly believe she was put in mine for a reason.

One of the things that I have researched that if I ever did get my cycle back was to get cycle day 3 (CD3) testing. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and had that done. Very hopeful for good results. All of my numbers have improved, greatly from what they have ever been before. My FSH which is one of the big factors, the number has always been off the charts. 114, 104 and 94, my CD3 test came back as 58. That is by far the lowest I have ever seen in my results. I wasn't very happy about it at first because it is not what it is supposed to be. It has to be under 10 for a chance of pregnancy. And I feel like I am a long way from that. But, if I look at it as glass half full, it has gone down substantially.

While talking to my sister on the phone that day she told me to celebrate my victories, no matter what they are. I love her and the support she gives me each and every day.

While sitting at dinner on Thursday night after the roller coaster of emotions from the beginning of the week, Benji and I were talking about it. I was being hard on myself and feeling not so happy about the results because they are not what they are "supposed" to be. He is another person that I am so grateful for. He is here for me in the day in and day out of it. And never waivers, always giving me the boost I need. Telling me how proud he was of me and how far I have come, it brought me to tears.

This is a HUGE victory for me. And for that I am thankful. 

Where there is hope, there is faith. Where there is faith, miracles happen. 

So now I get to count my cycle days, something that I have never been able to do since I have been diagnosed. And to still have hope for our little miracle.

I don't know what next month will bring, if it will come back or be non existent again. But I am choosing to be grateful for our victory.