Painting With a Twist

We had our 3rd NWA Infertility Support group meeting last night. One of the suggestions when we met last time was to go to a local painting studio. You can go as a group and learn how to paint a picture. We all decided we would go to the "Funky Blues" session.

When signing up you can put in the comments who you want to sit with or what group you are with, so we were all put together.

It was a great atmosphere and vibe. A very eclectic range of music and a bar with wine and beer.

My place at the table

There were a couple of games that they play to break up the painting a bit and to keep it fun. One was a riddle/poem. For each thing you had it told you how many numbers to right down and the person with the highest number wins.

It started out with your color of hair, if you were wearing a sweater, etc. Then it went in to how many years you have been married, all the while you are tallying your points. I think we all kind of knew where it was going after that. The next one was however many girl kids you had you got so many points and boys were more points. I understand these are normal questions that people ask in life. Being infertile you learn to deal with it. But, that doesn't make it any easier. It was so nice to have the group all together at that moment. They understand the feelings when it comes to questions about how many kids you have. In the end we were all able to laugh about it.

Painting our masterpieces

The second game was much easier, guess how many corks are in a big glass bowl. I never win anything. And I WON!!! I was supposed to get a painting of my choice that was hanging on the wall but decided to just ask for a free t-shirt.

All in all it was an amazing night. I feel so understood with this group of women. I don't have to worry what I say that it will hurt someone's feelings. We just let it all out there. I am so thankful to have found this group and to have this kind of support through this journey.

I am a firm believer that people are put in your life for a reason. I may not know that reason now but am definitely counting my blessings.

The final result!

Endo Appointment and What Next?

I went to my long awaited endocrinology appointment today. When I originally called back in April, they told me it was a 2.5 month wait. I swear sometimes nothing can be easy. If there is anything I have learned through this journey, it is patience.

I had been researching and reading about the pituitary gland. It interested me because there are 6 hormones that are secreted from it. Three of them that I had previously tested and had issues with.

• Human Growth Hormone (HGH) - I don't have any signs or symptoms of this
• Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) - I was diagnosed in January with hypothyroidism
• Andrenocorticotropic Hormone (ACTH) - the reproductive endo in Little Rock had checked these levels and they came back in range
• Prolactin (PRL) - I don't have any signs or symptoms of this - my blood test levels came back normal on this when tested
• Luteinizing Hormone (LH) - all of my test results from this have been high
• Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) - all of my test results from this have been high (this is how I was originally diagnosed with POF as well)

We began the appointment by going through my pages of test results. I have a one inch binder that I carry around with me to all my appointments. It has all of my medical records, research and inspiration in it. I am sure all of the doctors think I am crazy! 

The doctor was very nice, he explained everything to me. I like this and I like being able to understand what everything means. 

He read through my original thyroid results and noticed that each thing that was tested showed in range. I had never looked at it when I first got it. My thyroid doctor told me that my levels were mildly under active so I went with that. I think this whole time I have wanted something to blame my infertility on. And this was just one piece to blame. It was like a dagger to my heart to hear that there is probably nothing wrong with my thyroid. I know that may sound extremely weird to someone, but when you are told you have a problem, you want to fix it. You want to have a reason. Frustrating doesn't even begin to explain it. Now I am to the point that I don't know who to trust. What doctor is telling me the truth? 

After that blow, he went through my other hormone levels that were off. Since my LH and FSH have always been so high he said that means my pituitary is working on overdrive. So, there is no need to test it or look in to it any further. If there was something wrong with it the number would be low. They are the opposite. Since my ovaries aren't responding they just keep secreting the hormones, causing the levels to elevate. 

I usually do pretty good in my appointments now a days. But, once someone starts giving me sympathy it makes me so emotional. I of course started crying, then once I get worked up about it I usually can't stop. Nothing like a little awkwardness! 

He also did a physical exam, checked my reflexes, eyes, throat, thyroid, lungs, etc.

He explained just as the other doctors have that most of the time with my diagnosis there just isn't a cause for the disease. It makes me feel so helpless. I have tried everything that I know to do. 

For a year and a half. In the grand scheme of things that doesn't seem like that long. But when you are living it every single day it seems like an eternity. I have never wanted something so bad in my entire life. 

In my head this was the last thing that I had to get checked out and I was just sure that was it. Each doctor I go to, I am just sure they can give me a reason. 

I think the time has come that I just accept that I may never know the reason. 

That isn't easy for me to say. That doesn't mean I will ever give up on it or myself. Or my future family. I will fight this until the day I die. I may not know why now, but I know that everything happens for a reason. And maybe I just can't see the big picture right now. 

We have a busy couple of months coming up. I plan to spend that time taking a break from all of the research/medical records. Constantly asking why...I just need to let myself breathe and relax. Take time for me and take time for us as a couple. Slow down and enjoy family and life in general. I feel like once we have the time to do that we will know what the next step will be in our journey.

I will always lean on hope and know that this will only make me stronger.

I found these two quotes and I absolutely love them.