Living in the Moment and Courage

It has been really quiet since we finished our individual interviews for our home study. Part of it is due to the holiday's and part of it is due to the way things work in this process.

Benji's individual interview went great. We have run in to some road blocks while filling out the medical portion of our packets. Long story short...we both go to a walk-in clinic when we are sick which is not that often. They aren't willing to sign the paperwork since they aren't our "primary" caregiver. So, after getting all my medical records and some communicable diseases blood work run I was able to get mine finally signed off on. Benji is working on his and once we turn that in we will be approved. Yay!

We have been trying to live in the moment the past couple of months. Just living life day to day. We have also started making plans for this next year and not putting our life on hold. If I just let it be I know it will happen. All of this can be so overwhelming at times most of the time. To think in an instant, our lives could will change. And we can have what we have been longing for. 

When you are young you think you know everything. That what is happening to you is the worst that it can get. I remember things from when I was a young adult/teenager that were so important then and they mean absolutely nothing now. It is crazy how things can change. I think back a lot on just a couple of years ago. We sold our starter home and had found our dream house. It ended up taking us 6 months to get it. That seemed like such a long time to me then. And now that I look back on it, it was such a short amount of time. I suppose that will be how this works out as well. Waiting two years, so far, to have a baby. To complete our family. 

All it will be is one phone call. That will change that long amount of time that we have been waiting to nothing. All of those feelings will just dissipate. It is exciting, scary, overwhelming, emotional and crazy! To think that we could be parents in just a short amount of time.

Even since we have started our adoption journey, some days it seems like we just started it and some days it feels like it has been the longest three months.

Not knowing what to expect, not knowing when that day will come. It is hard. Especially for both of us, we are very much planners/organizers. Which is even more reason for us to live in the moment. I like that things have slowed down a bit due to the holiday's to really make us see that too.  

I got this sign from my mom for Christmas, I picked it out at the local craft fair this fall. I completely forgot about it, love little surprises like that in life! And the saying is oh so true.

We have had a great past couple of weeks. We got to celebrate Christmas three times with the ones we love. We are so grateful for all of our family and all of the support we have received thus far. 

Home Study

We had our home study this afternoon.

After meeting with Paula the first time I wasn't nervous at all. The main thing she told us is that she is looking for a lovable family with a home that has enough space for a child.

We took a tour of the house when she first arrived.

Then we had to break out for our individual interviews with her. We had a couples interview when we went to her office a few weeks ago.

She went through my portion of the packet that I had filled out and sent to her at the beginning of the process. I just love her. She is so easy going and likes to talk, I do too, so we get along very well. We also have a lot in common and agree on a lot of the same points.

We ended up talking for the next hour and a half that she was here. About my family history, how we plan on disciplining our child, how I feel about my infertility and what stage I am in, etc. She kept complementing us on all of our paperwork which always makes us feel good.

Since we talked so long it didn't leave time for Benji's individual interview. We scheduled that for next week. After that is done, as well as a couple more paperwork things we should be approved.

Paula also met with the lawyer who's list we are on yesterday. She was able to communicate with her back and forth while she was here at our house so we are hoping some positive things come out of that for us.

We are so excited and one step closer to having our family complete.

During our Home Study with Paula

Thank You!

Wow!

Since I shared our blog publicly last week, I have been saying that word a lot, wow...

We decided to share our decision to adopt so that we could spread the word. Our adoption counselor told us that if we were going to do "word of mouth" adoption that the more people that knew about it the better. She instructed us to tell everyone that we knew, for them to tell everyone they know, and so on.

We have been sharing our news for the past month with our families and close friends.

Putting that decision out there for the world to see was a little scary. Not knowing how people would judge us. From the beginning of our journey I have never wanted to give up on our ability to have a child. Part of sharing meant that I could possibly get judgement, that we had given up. Which I never want anyone to think. We will not ever give up on this.

Boy, was I wrong.

I cried most of the day Monday as I read the things that people wrote about us as they shared our story on social media.

Everyday people thinking that we would be great parents. People that I haven't talked to in years, or seen since graduating high school. People that didn't have to say anything, or share it for that matter.

We are so humbled and grateful for all of the people that have shared our story. Or talked to their friends and family about us. Just spreading the word.

We know that this brings us that much closer to having our family complete, something that we have been waiting for, for a long time.

For that we are so indebted to all of you. I feel as if "thank you" is certainly not enough.

We thank you from the bottom of our hearts! And are so grateful for each and every one of you.

Update from Infertility Study

I received the final dissertation from my infertility study that I was a part of this past spring.

I forgot all the raw emotions that I had while doing this. As I have been reading through the dissertation I am so thankful that I was a part of it.

Even though it doesn't seem like much has changed, I have grown so much since doing those interviews.

I was still very bitter and scared of the unknown that is infertility.

Now I am at a much happier place in my journey and have discovered many things about myself. My self worth is much more positive and I now know that there is absolutely nothing that I could have done that would have made this not happen to me.

That in itself gives me such peace of mind.

The purpose of the dissertation is to give the public, as well as doctor's a better view of what it is like to live the life of an infertile woman and an infertile couple.

All people that were interviewed were kept anonymous. My pseudo name was "Natalie" for those that are interested in reading through it.

Dissertation Publication - Infertility Study

Our First Adoption Meeting

We had our first adoption meeting today. We got to meet Paula, all three of us clicked from the moment we met each other.

She had received our packet and read through it before our meeting. The meeting started out with introductions. Then she said so many people have questions about adoption so she wanted to go through the different ways.

• Word of Mouth Adoption (this is the option we are choosing) - tell everyone you know that you are looking for a match. That way they can tell everyone they know and so on and so forth
• She gave us the name of a local lawyer that gets the calls from the local hospitals when a woman comes in to give birth and is unable to take them home
• Agency Adoption - Very expensive, we would be spending between $20,000 - $25,000. American adoptions is the most known place. They have an office in Rogers, AR.
• An advantage to this is that the mother is taken care of by the agency
• Private Lawyers - This is also very expensive, most places cost about $30,000. She gave us some names of some highly recommended lawyers

In the state of Arkansas the window before the actual adoption can take place is 5 days. So, from the day the baby is born they have 5 days to change their mind. This is one of the things that scares both of us the most. Receiving a child and then getting it taken away from us. However, you miss 100% of the chances that you don't take and we are willing to take this chance.

She also talked to us about the adoption tax credit, you get this back the year that you have placement of a child.

We scheduled our home study for Wednesday November 5th  Thursday November 13th. She will come to our house and check everything out to make sure that we have room for a child. She will also interview us individually at that time, this is part of the whole process.

We discussed timing, she said based on our preferences it could happen as soon as the home study is done, or it could take months. You just never know. 

We are hoping for the best, that our home study passes. I am not that worried about this, she told us that our paperwork was all great and that there were no red flags. 

Our next plan is to get in touch with the lawyer that is local and get put on her list. 

We are so excited and feel like this is all happening very quickly now!

So excited to become parents!

Adoption 101

After making the decision to adopt we know that we have to get the right people in place and the knowledge of it in order for that to happen.

I have a friend from high school (thank you Barbara!) that has adopted and she gave me the name of a lady that is local. I spoke with her at the beginning of October, she said she would go ahead and send me the paperwork and we set up our very first meeting that would be on October 22nd. That gave us about two weeks to get together the paperwork that she would be sending us.

I received the packet in email form, it is 52 pages long! Half of it was for me and the other half for Benji to fill out.

The beginning is personal background information, name/DOB, etc. Then you go in to describing your personality, how others would describe you, what your goals are, what your life challenges have been/are. The next pages are about your family, how you were raised, how you were disciplined. How we think we would parent together, would we do the same things our parents did or change things up? Then there is a section about our education, work history, ethical and religious values. There are a lot of questions on adoption. What you think about it, how you came to terms with being ready for it. Lots of questions on marriage, what makes you a good spouse, what makes your partner a good spouse, etc. There are about 4 pages on infertility, how it makes you feel, how it has affected your marriage. Assets and liabilities, you have to list your monthly income, what monthly expenses come out, what you have in your bank accounts. 

It is a lot of information, I understand why they do it. They have to make sure you are ready to become parents and are emotionally, physically and financially able to become a parent. 

I am not going to lie. There were some HARD questions in there. We each filled our paperwork out on our own and then I had to put them both together to compile them to be able to send them in. We have been married for just under 7 years, and have know each other for almost 14. It is crazy to me how much we are on the same page without even discussing things. I love that about our relationship. It has always been easy. 

One of the questions that sticks out in my mind is what you want your child/children to remember most about you when they look back on their childhood. We both answered with the time that we spend with them making memories.

We also had to have three reference letters completed. We gave them to our friends/family members that we chose for them to fill out and send in. 

Now the next thing we wait for is our appointment!

Our Next Step

We have been taking a break from everything to do with infertility. Just taking the time to be a couple without the stress of everything. This is easier said than done though, especially with me. I take supplements in the morning and at night, as well as my thyroid medication and HRT. This is an everyday reminder to me of what I have.

Ever since being diagnosed we have fought with everything we have to be able to reverse this nasty disease. However, during the course of the last two years we have chatted about adoption a time or two. Always saying that we would come back to it when and if we are ready. 

When we were on our vacation in July at the beach we had a date night. That night after we got back to the condo we walked down to the beach and sat in some chairs and just talked. Talked about where we have been in regards to being childless, what we are currently doing and what the future looked like for both of us. We both know that we do not want to live our lives without kids. So, after about an hour we decided that we wanted to look in to adoption and see what it was all about, since neither of us know much about it, just the normal things you hear from people. The high cost of it and the long waits for child placement.

After arriving back home to our normal everyday routines, I had been looking online through the state's website. You can sign up through there and submit your application online. That starts the process, then you go through a home study, about 30 hours of classes as a couple and then you are open to get children. 

I wanted so badly to fill out the application and submit it, we were ready for the next step. All that was standing between us was that one little submit button. Before hitting it, we talked about it again and decided we just weren't ready. One thing about marriage is that there is an ebb and flow, you have to compromise, be on the same page. Especially about life altering decisions. So we waited. And thought more and more about it.

One thing that infertility will teach you is to be patient. And I have a feeling through the adoption process we will be learning more and more about patience.

We were sitting out on our deck one night, just chatting about life. And I brought up the whole adoption discussion again. We talked about the things that we are both scared of. We talked about the joy that it will bring us. 

I do believe the two additional months that we both waited and reflected made us even more ready for our journey ahead. 

Since then I had been reading a lot about the differences in state adoption and private adoption. State adoption you normally get older kids, you do have a chance of younger but not a big one. With private you are able to get an infant. 

That saying that "everything happens for a reason" is so true, especially in this case. I think that we would have rushed the thought and actions the two months prior so I am so glad we waited. 

That brings me to where we are today. We are going to adopt, preferably an infant, a child that we can raise with our own morals and values. A child that we can show them the value of family, growing up with the two great families that we are blessed to be a part of.

We are so excited about our future and what the coming months will hold for us. We are happy to announce that we have officially begun our journey to adopt!

Inspiration Boards

I have had this idea in my head for awhile. Ever since I started blogging I have really tuned in to different quotes that I LOVE.

I went to Hobby Lobby and was able to get some accessories and make my idea turn in to our bathroom wall decoration.

This is the view looking down the wall

First board

2nd board

3rd board

View from the other end

Love being able to see all of these quotes each morning. They help me keep things in perspective and start my day off right. I read most of them while I am drying may hair each day.

I truly believe that seeing is believing, so this helps me with that aspect of my infertility. And makes me keep my hope alive.

Hormone Replacement Therapy - HRT

Since being diagnosed with Osteopenia, my doctors have stressed the importance of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). Since my body is in premature menopause my estrogen is low which normally happens much later in life. With me being so young it is important that my bones are protected since they will be without it for much longer.

I am the type of person that likes to think things out. These are big decisions in my life, taking something for the rest of my life. I was on birth control for 12 years, I don't know for a fact if that had anything to do with my POF, but my body was being tricked each month by hormones that I wasn't actually producing myself. So, I have been thinking about what to do since the end of July.

Since this journey started I have taken a more natural approach, because that is what I believe in. I do not want to force something if it isn't going to happen on it's own naturally. But with saying that I do want to be able to live a long and healthy life the best I can.

My thyroid doctor offers bio-identical hormone replacement. The thyroid medication that I am taking, prescribed by him, is natural instead of synthetic as well.

Natural or bio-identical hormones are the exact same molecular form of the hormones that humans naturally make. They are made from a natural hormone in sweet potatoes or soy beans that is easily converted to natural human hormones.

Based on this information I knew this was the therapy for me.

I made an appointment and went in on Wednesday, 10/1. We discussed the different options, since I had already researched it some we were able to talk awhile about it. One thing that I love about Dr. O is that he takes the time to explain things to me. There is nothing more I don't like than a doctor not willing to talk to me and treat me like a number. He is the exact opposite of that.

I had my blood drawn to check my Estradiol and Progesterone. He also wanted to check my vitamin D, I have been taking this in supplement form as well as calcium and magnesium for my optimal bone health.

• Vitamin D, 25-Hydroxy came back as 86.3 ng/mL, this was in range
• Estradiol came back as 49.5 pg/mL, this should be in between 60 and 100
• Progesterone came back as .4 ng/mL, this should be in between 10 and 20

Not really alarming news to me, when I have had my estrogen and progesterone tested before they always came back low. So, I wasn't expecting any different.

After speaking with the doctor he went ahead and put two prescriptions for me, one for estradiol - .5 mg and one for progesterone - 100mg. We are starting out low and slow to see how my body reacts to it and then will increase the dosages if needed. 

That brings me to today. 

I went by the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions so I could start taking them. Since it is Friday I decided to just go through the drive thru so I could get home since we had plans for the night.

The lady grabs the two prescriptions, then gets on the speaker. She apologized first, I am guessing because she can see that I am younger, then she said I have to ask you a question in order to be able to give these to you. From the moment she said that, I already knew...

Are you pregnant? 

I swallowed hard and simply said no. This is such a heartbreaking thing for me to answer. Then I got to thinking, crap...I am going to have to answer this every time I am guessing. 

She apologized again, she was a very sweet lady. Stating that by law she has to ask the question. I get it, I understand...but that doesn't make it easier.

As she was sending them out, I asked her if there was a way they could put something on my file. She said no, there was a place to put if you ARE pregnant but there is no where for her to put if you aren't/can't become pregnant. Wonderful news! Oh the joys of infertility.

So, that is one set of prescriptions I will be sure my husband picks up!

Back to School

We have been on our journey through infertility now for a year and a half. The beginning was definitely the most emotional for me. Trying to get through all the information and understanding one sentence that will forever change two people's lives.

Once we digested the initial shock we went in to battle mode. How are we going to beat this? Researching, researching, researching. Looking for success stories to boost our confidence and trying to beat the odds that are stacked very high against us.

Two infertility clinics later we knew that the way for us to go was a more natural path. Our odds according to those doctors weren't very good so we didn't have much to lose.

I have been completely focused on that for the past year, a year and two and a half months to be exact. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that long but sometimes if feels like an eternity.

Things have started to slow down for us. I have taken herbs and supplements for longer than I have planned, I tried acupuncture. Got the right medication to get my thyroid on track. Doing my Mercier Therapy to get rid of my scar tissue and get everything flowing and moving correctly.

When we began the natural journey I was sure that it was going to work, isn't that how things always are at the beginning?! I still have hope, my light is just a little dimmer than it was at the beginning. I will never give up on this, for as long as I live. I will continue to research and find new things that are working for people and happening in the infertility world. But, sometimes one can only take so many hits before it starts getting to them.

This past Sunday I was scrolling through Facebook. I started noticing all of the back to school posts about people getting all of their child's things together for their very first day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, junior high...etc.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these people are my age. Friends, people I went to school with, family. Everyone but me is getting ready to send their kids back to school.

Not me.

It is crazy how the world of social media can sometimes make you feel inadequate or lonely. When it should be the complete opposite of that.

I decided last Sunday to take a break. From all of it. No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all of the back to school posts that were to come the very next morning. I cried myself to work every day this week and every day on the way home. Passing school busses, school zones, kids walking down the sidewalk.

This week was one of the hardest weeks of my infertility journey. I think last year at this time I was so focused on me and the journey I was on and the newness of figuring out what to do and what the next thing would be to get me pregnant. That I didn't have time to see it or get down about it.

Not this year.

It has been kind of nice to be disconnected from the world for the past 6 days. Just me and my thoughts. Not comparing myself to others, not seeing birth announcements, not seeing the daily reminder that I don't have kids and am clearly not pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE these things. I love children. I love my family and I love my friends and all of their kids. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to see pictures of my friends and family that are far away that I don't get to see all the time, and keeping up with them and what they are doing.

Life just sucks sometimes and this is one of those times. Life is not fair. That is one lesson that I have learned the hard way.

I am glad I have had this week to reflect. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is my motto lately.

Just being real and writing out my thoughts so that when I do have my baby I can look back and see the journey it took and to be so thankful for the things I do have in life.

Loving this quote lately and it is so true!

Biggest Group Yet!

We had another infertility support group meeting tonight. It was our biggest group yet, 8 people! It is such a blessing to have this support at this time in my life.

Great night at The Pressroom

They get what I am going through and always know the right things to say. I always look forward to our meetings and can't wait for the next one!

Osteo What?!

At my Endo appointment that I had in June the doctor brought up the need for me to get a bone density scan (DEXA scan). This wasn't new to me. Both RE's that I have been to suggested the same thing. This doctor explained it to me a little differently which actually made me go through with getting it.

He told me that they need a base line so that they can compare my bone scans later on in life. Most women go through menopause at the average age of 50. The loss in estrogen which protects the bones can make them lose their density over time.

I set up a scan when I got back from our vacation which was two Monday's ago. It was really simple. Change in to a hospital gown, lay on a table while a machine went up and down over me. Then I had to lay on my side while the machine did it's work again. All in all it took about 5 minutes, they told me it was the easiest scan I would ever have. I wasn't anxious to get the results. It was just a base line test so there wasn't really anything I was planning on finding out about anyway. By now I have become a pro at the waiting game from doctors.

I was in the waiting room longer than it took me to get the scan completed

Tuesday night while I was making dinner, my phone rang. I looked at it and it showed the Endo office's number. Odd I thought, calling after five. I picked up and heard the doctors voice, he stated his name...my heart instantly dropped to my stomach. When a doctor calls you after five you know they aren't calling about good news.

He told me that my results had come back, and that I have bone loss in my spine. My hips are fine. The measurement is based off T-scores. A "normal" 30 year old should be at zero. 30 years old is the optimum age of your bones so that is what they base it off of. From zero to -1.0 you are good. 

He told me that the diagnosis is called Osteopenia. Osteo what? was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I pulled it up on my iPad as he was still explaining things to me. Not that I really heard anything after the first couple sentences. I was in complete shock.

Osteopenia is when the bone mineral density is lower than normal. It is considered by many doctors to be a precursor to Osteoperosis. The score is -1.0 to -2.5. I came in at -1.4.

Suggestions for treatment are to continue taking my calcium and vitamin D supplements. And to get on HRT. I have been staying away from HRT, but figure I should start looking in to it again. I have read so many negative things about it and it scares me to go on it at such a young age. My plan is to get a list of options and look at the pros and cons of each one. Other suggestions are to do strength training to keep my muscles and bones strong. Continue doing yoga as it strengthens the body and mind.

After the phone call I went back to making dinner, trying to get my mind off of it. I decided I would pull myself together and not tell the hubs until after we had time to enjoy our dinner together. For some reason these things always sound good in my head. 

I put on a smile when he came in the door. Kept cooking. I had left the iPad on the bar which is a place that it normally isn't laying. He instantly noticed it and asked what I was looking up. That was all it took...complete waterfalls coming out of my eyes. He really is the best husband and partner for me. Always knows what to say and how to comfort me. Tells me that we will get through this together. I appreciate him for all of those things more than he will ever know.

It has only been two days so I am still trying to comprehend it all. I feel like my list of "things" just keeps adding up when it comes to my health. All of the symptoms and problems that come along with Premature Ovarian Failure. Yipee for me.

I still struggle with the infertility aspect, let alone the health aspects.

All I know is that there has to be a reason for all of this. Something that I may never know the answer to and why it is all happening. All I can do is keep going each day and living my life. 

I hope and pray each day that I am doing the right things when it comes to my health. Still so many things that I feel like a 30 year old shouldn't have to be thinking about...

Loving this quote lately

My heart aches for a baby and it aches for things to go back to normal. I realize that I have a new normal and things will never go back to the way they were. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. Don't we all just wish we could take the good things and not the bad!

Still taking my break as we are quickly going through this summer. It has been nice to not think about all the doctors appointments, reading blogs and researching new things that I can do in order to reverse my diagnosis. 

Just taking it day by day and being thankful for what I DO have.

Coffee Date

We had another infertility support group meeting tonight. I LOVE these meetings with these wonderful ladies that are in my life.

They just get it. Period. They get the struggles, the heartache, the grieving and the loss. It is such a breath of fresh air each time that we get together and meet. We laugh, we cry and just let it all out.

This week we went to a local coffee bar/restaurant that is on our square, Pressroom.

Since we met around dinner time we all ended up eating and just chatting about where we are in our journey's. We also had a new girl that came, I am so glad she did!

I am so grateful to have met these women and to be a part of this group. I know that this is one of the silver linings to my infertility. If I wouldn't have to go through all of this I would have never have met them. 

And for that I am very grateful.

Painting With a Twist

We had our 3rd NWA Infertility Support group meeting last night. One of the suggestions when we met last time was to go to a local painting studio. You can go as a group and learn how to paint a picture. We all decided we would go to the "Funky Blues" session.

When signing up you can put in the comments who you want to sit with or what group you are with, so we were all put together.

It was a great atmosphere and vibe. A very eclectic range of music and a bar with wine and beer.

My place at the table

There were a couple of games that they play to break up the painting a bit and to keep it fun. One was a riddle/poem. For each thing you had it told you how many numbers to right down and the person with the highest number wins.

It started out with your color of hair, if you were wearing a sweater, etc. Then it went in to how many years you have been married, all the while you are tallying your points. I think we all kind of knew where it was going after that. The next one was however many girl kids you had you got so many points and boys were more points. I understand these are normal questions that people ask in life. Being infertile you learn to deal with it. But, that doesn't make it any easier. It was so nice to have the group all together at that moment. They understand the feelings when it comes to questions about how many kids you have. In the end we were all able to laugh about it.

Painting our masterpieces

The second game was much easier, guess how many corks are in a big glass bowl. I never win anything. And I WON!!! I was supposed to get a painting of my choice that was hanging on the wall but decided to just ask for a free t-shirt.

All in all it was an amazing night. I feel so understood with this group of women. I don't have to worry what I say that it will hurt someone's feelings. We just let it all out there. I am so thankful to have found this group and to have this kind of support through this journey.

I am a firm believer that people are put in your life for a reason. I may not know that reason now but am definitely counting my blessings.

The final result!

Endo Appointment and What Next?

I went to my long awaited endocrinology appointment today. When I originally called back in April, they told me it was a 2.5 month wait. I swear sometimes nothing can be easy. If there is anything I have learned through this journey, it is patience.

I had been researching and reading about the pituitary gland. It interested me because there are 6 hormones that are secreted from it. Three of them that I had previously tested and had issues with.

• Human Growth Hormone (HGH) - I don't have any signs or symptoms of this
• Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) - I was diagnosed in January with hypothyroidism
• Andrenocorticotropic Hormone (ACTH) - the reproductive endo in Little Rock had checked these levels and they came back in range
• Prolactin (PRL) - I don't have any signs or symptoms of this - my blood test levels came back normal on this when tested
• Luteinizing Hormone (LH) - all of my test results from this have been high
• Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) - all of my test results from this have been high (this is how I was originally diagnosed with POF as well)

We began the appointment by going through my pages of test results. I have a one inch binder that I carry around with me to all my appointments. It has all of my medical records, research and inspiration in it. I am sure all of the doctors think I am crazy! 

The doctor was very nice, he explained everything to me. I like this and I like being able to understand what everything means. 

He read through my original thyroid results and noticed that each thing that was tested showed in range. I had never looked at it when I first got it. My thyroid doctor told me that my levels were mildly under active so I went with that. I think this whole time I have wanted something to blame my infertility on. And this was just one piece to blame. It was like a dagger to my heart to hear that there is probably nothing wrong with my thyroid. I know that may sound extremely weird to someone, but when you are told you have a problem, you want to fix it. You want to have a reason. Frustrating doesn't even begin to explain it. Now I am to the point that I don't know who to trust. What doctor is telling me the truth? 

After that blow, he went through my other hormone levels that were off. Since my LH and FSH have always been so high he said that means my pituitary is working on overdrive. So, there is no need to test it or look in to it any further. If there was something wrong with it the number would be low. They are the opposite. Since my ovaries aren't responding they just keep secreting the hormones, causing the levels to elevate. 

I usually do pretty good in my appointments now a days. But, once someone starts giving me sympathy it makes me so emotional. I of course started crying, then once I get worked up about it I usually can't stop. Nothing like a little awkwardness! 

He also did a physical exam, checked my reflexes, eyes, throat, thyroid, lungs, etc.

He explained just as the other doctors have that most of the time with my diagnosis there just isn't a cause for the disease. It makes me feel so helpless. I have tried everything that I know to do. 

For a year and a half. In the grand scheme of things that doesn't seem like that long. But when you are living it every single day it seems like an eternity. I have never wanted something so bad in my entire life. 

In my head this was the last thing that I had to get checked out and I was just sure that was it. Each doctor I go to, I am just sure they can give me a reason. 

I think the time has come that I just accept that I may never know the reason. 

That isn't easy for me to say. That doesn't mean I will ever give up on it or myself. Or my future family. I will fight this until the day I die. I may not know why now, but I know that everything happens for a reason. And maybe I just can't see the big picture right now. 

We have a busy couple of months coming up. I plan to spend that time taking a break from all of the research/medical records. Constantly asking why...I just need to let myself breathe and relax. Take time for me and take time for us as a couple. Slow down and enjoy family and life in general. I feel like once we have the time to do that we will know what the next step will be in our journey.

I will always lean on hope and know that this will only make me stronger.

I found these two quotes and I absolutely love them.

Support Group

We had our 2nd NWA Infertility Support Group meeting today. We met at a local coffee shop and the weather was gorgeous so we sat outside.

It is so amazing to be able to sit and talk with these women. They get me. They understand things that no one else can. I am so glad that I went to the first meeting and got connected with them.

It is also great to hear about different things others are doing, what doctors they use, what facilities around here will do. It has been a wealth of knowledge for me.

So thankful that this difficult situation of infertility has brought a positive light in to my life.

2nd NWA Infertility Support Group Meeting

Vivid Dreams

The past two nights I have had very vivid dreams. They have both been the same exact thing, it has freaked me out enough that I don't even want to go to sleep anymore.

It all begins that we find out we are pregnant, we get the honor of telling both of our families who are all ecstatic because we have been waiting for this for such a long time. Then we go through each month chronicling the growth of my belly. And preparing the nursery. Living our lives in pure bliss and joy. 9 months go by quickly and we are in the hospital having our precious baby that we have dreamed about. We cry with such happy emotion, all while our family and friends are around. Then I wake up.

Two nights in a row. The exact same thing. You know when you have a dream and feel like it is real? That is how I have been waking up. And then I realize it isn't true and my heart just breaks all over again.

I don't know why I am having these dreams, but I am sure there has to be a reason for it. I haven't had the time to dwell on our infertility lately. We have been busy, it is just a busy time in our lives. For this I have been thankful, not that I am not dealing with it but that it gets pushed to the back of my heart and mind.

Maybe these dreams are a way of pulling me back to reality to deal with it. The problem is I don't know how to do it. I feel like we are stuck. I have tried numerous things, researched many hours. I don't have good chances scientifically. I know that...I get that. But, it doesn't make it any easier. Then I read stories about women with the same thing and they spontaneously get pregnant. And it gives me such hope.

One thing I do know, whatever happens, I will never give up on this. I owe that to myself, my husband and our families.

Genetic Study, 6 years and Support

This week has been a crazy busy week! I can't believe that it is already Friday.

I haven't mentioned it yet, but I am part of a genetic study that a Women's Institute is doing out of Pittsburgh. They are doing the study on 1,200 people. It is only on women who suffer from POF, 1% of women in the world have it and there isn't that much research that has been done. There is no cure for it and the only fertility option is donor egg. The study is being done to see if there are any genetic links to what causes it or how someone gets it. There are some autoimmune diseases that they think cause it but once you are tested for that and it is negative, you get an answer of unknown. Which is what I was told.

I had to fill out a consent form and the history of my cycles, then have about a 15 minute phone conversation with one of the case workers. We went over my history and then family members history. After that they sent me 3 tubes for my blood that I was able to have drawn here. All I had to do was go to the doctor, have them draw it and then ship it back to Pittsburgh.

Blood draw for genetic testing

I have always said since my whole journey started that if I can help just one person through this in the future that would make me ecstatic. Although I probably won't see anything from this study that will pertain to me, it should be able to help future generations out and that means a lot to me.

Part of this testing is also that they are able to get my families DNA as well. Most importantly my immediate family, and then any of my aunts, uncles and first cousins. I asked for their help and have had an overwhelming response. I always knew I had an awesome family but this just proved it to me even more!

Tuesday we celebrated our anniversary. We went on our very first date 13 years ago and were married on that same day 6 years ago. It ended up being a great day. We were both working but made time to see each other for lunch and then went out on a romantic date for dinner. I have the most amazing husband, always my rock and my cheerleader. Sometimes I get down about our infertility journey and he is always there to lift me up. I really have been blessed by having him and his family in my life. I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.

Anniversary Dinner at Theo's Steakhouse

I have been part of an Infertility Support group since I found out about my diagnosis. It is a group on Facebook. It is private so the only people in it are people that are struggling with infertility that are in the area I live in. We talk about doctors, ask questions, etc. It has been very helpful. Since last week was National Infertility Awareness Week the administrator asked if we would be interested in having our first ever support group meeting face to face.

I was a little nervous at first. I haven't ever met anyone in the same position as me that is still struggling through it. I have talked to people I know that have been through it, but ended up having children. Just not the same thing as I am experiencing right now in my life. I wasn't going to go at first but then decided it would be good for me, and I am so glad that I did.

There were 4 of us that were there, we met at a local coffee shop that had a door that could be closed so we could talk about whatever we wanted. We were there about two hours and it was such a breath of fresh air. To actually talk to people that understand what I am thinking and going through with doctors. Fighting for your own health. So glad that I got to meet these wonderful ladies and can't wait for our next monthly meeting.

First ever NWA Infertility Support Group

RESOLVE to Know More

This week is National Infertiliy Awareness Week (NIAW). NIAW is celebrating 25 years this year. What a great group/organization to get the word out there and to be the main source for support groups and resources. I am doing the Bloggers Unite Challenge to bring awareness to our situation and to get people talking about infertility since so many couples suffer in silence.

I resolve to learn more about the disease of infertility. It affects 1 in 8 couples. Most of these couples suffer in silence. 

If you haven't read my blog before, I suffer from Premature Ovarian Failure/Primary Ovarian Insufficiency, better known as POF/POI. Only 1% of women in the world have it which makes it hard to find a doctor that knows much about it. 5 - 10% of couples have spontaneous pregnancy. The only other option given by doctors is donor egg using IVF.

My husband and I first told our families of our infertility right away. For awhile we didn't talk about it to others. It was embarrassing to us and we didn't know anyone else who had the same issues. Infertility can be a very lonely world most of the time. Once we decided what path we wanted to take I began blogging about it. It was  is a great release for me. 

I have always said that if I could just help one person I feel that I have made a difference. 

We have chosen a more natural path to try and beat the odds that are just a number. We will never give up HOPE. 

I resolve to teach people what to say to couples struggling with infertility.

One of the things we have experienced many times along our journey is "just adopt". Just that simple, right?! Actually, no it isn't. There are many things that go in to adoption: Learn about the process, select an agency, complete a home study, search for a child, exchange information with child's agency, be selected for that child, meet and visit the child, receive a placement and finalize your adoption. It is not a simple process. And then you add in to that the emotional process of it. 

Infertile couples are aware that adoption is a choice. You don't need to tell them that. But, the thing that hurts when that is said is that you as a couple have to come to terms that you may never be able to have a child of your own. I don't know about you, but that is not an easy thing to come to. It has been one year and two months since I was diagnosed and we are still deciding what our next steps will be. It is not something that we take lightly either.

What you can do for an infertile couple is just be there for them. Talk about the hard things with them if they are willing to. If they aren't willing to just treat them as you normally would. Don't make every conversation about their lack to have children. Do remember them on holidays - they are especially hard. Most holiday's revolve around children. Also, remember them on Mother's/Father's Day. Even though they aren't parents yet they are grieving it so it is an extra hard holiday for them.

We are 1 in 8. 

Please click on these links to learn more:

• Basic understanding of the disease of infertility
• About NIAW

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

Wow, I can't believe that it has been almost a month since I have updated my blog. Life has been kind of crazy and busy lately. Which is a good thing because I haven't had the time to be down and sulk about my situation.

Not a whole lot has changed. I am still doing my daily routine. Taking herbs/supplements in the morning and evening. Still going to Mercier therapy every other week. I am taking a break from acupuncture. We discussed it and I am taking about 6 weeks off to give my body a break (per my acupuncturist). I have missed it. It is so relaxing to me, and each time I would go it would knock me out cold in to a deep sleep.

I got my thyroid results back after being on my medication for 8 weeks and everything has leveled off. Which is a good thing. I was hoping to have been able to lose some weight, no chance. I was reading through a few things about hypothyroidism that says a person that has it has to work 3 times harder than an average person in order to see results. Add full blown menopause on top of that and life is just perfect! That really bothers me, but I am going with the mentality of one day at a time. I do what I can.

I have been in a rut mentally and emotionally the past few weeks. I thought that spring would be a welcoming season for me. Not so much. Nothing like everything being reborn from the winter months to really slap you in the face. Every day on my drive home I see the new baby calves and foals. Just another reminder that everything can reproduce but me. I know in my mind that this is a horrible attitude to have, but some days you just have your moments.

I have been incredibly sad too. Any little thing just sends me in to a flood of tears. This is so odd to me because at the beginning of my journey I was really upset and then once I kept going things seemed to level off. I know it just takes a toll. I am approaching a year on my natural path and haven't seen any results at all from it. Not even one drop (pun intended!). That bothers me...A LOT! At the beginning, I read success story after success story which really boosted my confidence. I know my chances are slim. I get that. If I was a betting woman I wouldn't bet on something that had a 5% chance.

I see pregnancy announcements, gender reveal parties, baby showers and new babies being born all the time. And I want that so bad. My peers are all having children. These ARE my child bearing days. This is what my body is supposed to do and it isn't.

But, then there is faith and there is hope. So thankful that I have both of them. Always there for me to lean on.

I have always compared infertility to the stages of grieving (I need to do a post on that later). And it could not be more true. The only thing is that you are grieving something that you have never had. Just a small glimpse of what we could have. I have never wanted anything so bad in my entire life. I struggle with the why all the time too. Why is someone that is addicted to drugs able to have children and I am not? I don't think that I will ever have an answer to that question. I know that I have to be patient and believe...but it is still so hard. The thing about grieving infertility though is that it keeps going. I don't know that I will ever have closure on it.

I was flipping through the channels the other day and Cinderella was on. Funny how when you are a kid you memorize all the songs to Disney movies, but I never thought about the words until I heard them that day. I feel like I was meant to hear that at that moment. And it couldn't be more true...

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

I have been reading this each day, as a reminder that I just need to keep on believing and my wish will come true!

Infertility Study Complete and Thyroid Labs

I finished my infertility study that I was a part of. I was worried that I wouldn't have enough to talk about for the hour and a half sessions, but I was wrong. It really is crazy, a lot of times I feel like I haven't done that much or could be doing more with my diagnosis. But, when I look back in my book and on my blog I have really accomplished a lot. Granted I haven't achieved the end result I am looking for.

The first session was a "get to know me" part. What is my diagnosis? What does it mean? What have I done in terms of treatment, etc? That was the easy part. 

The second session was more about the emotional part of infertility. I speak to my husband and family members and friends about my infertility. I have always been very open about it, it is not something I am ashamed of because I now know that it is not my fault. I struggled with that statement a lot in the beginning. Was there something I could of done? What if I wouldn't have taken birth control for so long? But, that wasn't going to get me anywhere. I am a fixer by nature, when you have a problem, you fix it.  It is what it is and there is truly nothing I can do to change it. There were definitely some deep questions. And it took me back to a place that I haven't visited in awhile. I got choked up a couple of times. Not being able to have a child and grief go hand in hand for me. I have mostly happy days now, but somehow the grief part of it has a sneaky way of coming up on me. 

The third session was just a recap of  what we talked about the first two sessions. One of the questions that she asked me was "How does infertility define you?" That is not something that I have ever thought about so it was a hard question for me to answer. I wish I could say that I haven't let it define me or that it doesn't define me but that isn't true. It has changed the person that I am today. I have a lot thicker shell than I used to. I am a lot more sensitive to things than I used to be. It is constantly on my mind. I just know in my mind that all of this is for something else. Just have to be patient and see what that is. I know in my heart that one day we will be parents.

All in all I am really glad I did the study. It taught me a lot about myself and helped me get some emotions out that I wouldn't normally talk about.

I had my normal acupuncture appointment a couple of weeks ago. She suggested that I take the Barnes Thyroid Test again to see if any of my temperatures had changed. My average came back at 97.4 and it is supposed to be over 97.8 so I am still a little low.

I also went today and had my blood drawn for my follow up labs at my thyroid doctor. Hopefully, the medication that I have been on will have helped some. If not, we will just keep increasing the dosage until I get to the right amount.

I saw this quote the other day and I love it. I kind of have a thing for quotes :) Sometimes they are what gets me through the day!

Infertility Study

A couple of weeks ago I linked up to a local blog that allowed people who are experiencing infertility to connect. It has been interesting reading through the different blogs and seeing how other people are coping. I have to admit it it feels good to know that I am not alone (not that I would ever wish this upon anyone). One thing I struggle with is that I know people aren't sure how to talk to me or what to say especially if they have never experienced it. It is kind of like a big elephant in the room with awkward silences. So when I read/talk to others going through the same thing they just get it.

Through that blog one of the statements at the end was about a woman doing a study and if anyone was interested to contact her. I decided to do just that. When I started my blog it was to document our journey and to give hope to other women like me. When reading about this I felt like I had to join. Tell my story and be a part of the study. If I can help just one other couple, that would make me ecstatic! I was talking to a friend about it and she said maybe that is the purpose of this certain season of my life right now, I have to agree.

There will be 10 people involved in the study. There are three sessions over the course of three weeks. Each session being an hour and a half long. I will be shocked at myself if I am able to talk that long each time. My first interview/session is on Friday. 

I am a little nervous but also excited. I have said this before but I feel like knowledge is power. The more I put myself out there and the more I read and research this topic the better chance I have of being successful. 

Wish me luck!

Show Us Your Life - Infertility

I am linking up to Kelly's Korner blog this morning. She does a "Show Us Your Life" post on Friday's and today is about infertility.

I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) in February 2013. I had just turned 29 years old. I have been on my journey now for one year.

POF is the loss of function of the ovaries before age 40. Basically your body goes in to premature menopause. Most people with this diagnosis have hot flashes, night sweats, etc. All the signs of menopause. I have been lucky so far. My only symptoms are my high FSH and amenorrhea.

I was also diagnosed last month with hypothyroidism. This means that I have an underactive thyroid. There is a lot of information out there linking infertility and thyroid issues so I am hoping this will get me one step closer.

Since I started my journey last year I have decided to take a more natural approach. I have been to numerous doctors, 2 fertility clinics and have received the same information from all. That I have a 5% chance of getting pregnant on my own, the same is true if I were to do IVF, only 5% chance with that as well. Since the percentages are so low the only option they give me is donor egg through IVF. My ovaries aren't working but, my uterus would be able to carry a baby.

Back to the natural part. I take herbs/supplements each morning and night. I have been going to acupuncture. I started Mercier Therapy (natural/manipulative therapy on your abdomen). All in an effort to get my body back to what it is supposed to do.

One thing I have learned throughout my journey is that you can never give up hope. It isn't easy, everyday reminders of pregnancy, people my age all having children. Infertility can be a very lonely world. Everyone in my life has been very supportive but unless you have gone through it/are going through it, it is hard to understand.

I have really learned a lot about myself so far. I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. My husband is amazing, I knew this before, but until you go through something this hard I guess you don't appreciate it as much.

I am happy about our decision thus far. For now we don't want to do the donor egg/IVF option. We have talked about fostering/adoption. But, aren't in a hurry. We do have some time. One other thing that I have learned is to take time to think about large life decisions. Everything does get better with time. A year ago at this time I was much more emotional/raw. Since then, I don't cry as often and have become stronger when talking about it as well.

My blog is about my journey so far. My hope is that I will be able to help just one person.

Will be praying for everyone going through this journey as well XOXO

The Big Three O and 1 Year

I turned 30 this past Friday. If you know me, I have been dreading this day for sometime. You see I always thought I would have a nice little happy family by the time that I was 30, doesn't every little girl dream about that? Good job, house, married and with children. I have 3 out of 4, just waiting on that last one.

My body apparently heard me talking about not wanting to have a birthday because I caught a horrible case of the stomach virus. So glad that is over with and that I am now on the mend.

Today marks one year since my diagnosis of POF. CRAZY..I can't believe it has already been a year.

I will never forget that day. Getting a phone call, going back to the doctor with Benji and then sitting in the car both of us crying, not knowing what to say. Calling my mom and sister and going to my sisters house and crying my eyes out to them. So thankful to have both of my families close.

Some days it feels like it has gone by slower than a snail but other days it seems like it flew by. I have learned so much about myself in the past year. With the bad always comes good. As I have mentioned before, I am a very organized person and LOVE lists. So, I thought I would make a list of the observations/things I have learned so far in my journey.

• I still wake up every morning thinking this is all just a nightmare and that it isn't true - not sure that this fact will ever change

• I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was - tell me I can't do something and one day I WILL prove you wrong

• My marriage has only grown stronger from all of this and for that I am thankful - it has always been strong from the beginning. We go together like two peas in a pod. But, until you have something that can alter that, you don't realize what you really have. I have said it many times but my husband is my rock and has been so amazing through our infertility journey. He makes sure to always use "us" even when I mostly feel like it is me. He is so understanding and loving with his words, always finds a way to make me smile. I truly am nothing without him.

• I have cried more in one year than I have the other 29 years of my life

• I have met many new people in the past year due to infertility and our similarities. So thankful to have met these sweet girls, even if some of them have only been through the internet. Something about someone knowing exactly what you are going through makes things much easier.

• I have created/found an amazing support group to get my body back to its optimal health - doctors, acupuncturist, chiropractor, massage therapist (with that one I even got a true friend out of the deal - love you Ms Karen!)

• I have an amazing support system, friends and family both. Even though they may not always know what to say to me they are there for me and support me and that means more than anything to me.

• I have become more sensitive to people in general. Never again will I ever ask anyone I meet - "When are you having kids?" That is such a loaded question and really puts someone who is struggling through infertility in an awkward/emotional position. 

• I have found out that in today's world with medicine you have to do what is right for you, even though someone tells you something that they say is your only option you don't have to listen to them. Take time to think through all your options so that you can make the best one.

• I am thankful that I am not $20,000 - $40,000 in debt from infertility treatments

• Life isn't fair

• Time really does heal all wounds - I am a lot tougher than I was a year ago at this time, I cry a lot less frequently. The pain is still there but it seems easier to cope with.

I saw this quote online today and thought it was so fitting. I love it!

Thyroid Testing Results

I had my thyroid appointment last Thursday. I went to Dr. O. I really liked him. He actually sat and spoke with me for 30 minutes which most doctors that I have seen have not done that. He was very easy to talk to and was in agreement with everything that I am doing. He also has treated a patient that has the same thing I do so I really feel like he gets it.

I received my test results this morning. My thyroid is mildly underactive with a mildly elevated TSH. Ideal is 0.7 - 1.0 and this number elevates if your thyroid is underactive. Mine is 2.74 so it is elevated. So I have officially been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. He is suggesting I start a trial of Armour thyroid - I will take one pill a day for 6 - 8 weeks and then get my hormone levels tested again. We spoke last week about the pill as well - it is a more natural pill so I like that aspect of it, it goes along with my path that I am taking. He told me that he likes to start dosages out low and go through a trial period and then increase it if we aren't seeing results. My pill that I will start out on is 30mg.

He also told me that I don't have Hashimoto's thyroiditis. I was so sure that I had it that I wasn't prepared at all for that answer. I was fine initially finding out about it. But, the hard part for me is telling people. The first thing I did was call my husband and I just broke down in tears. Each time that I have to tell him this isn't it just kills me. I just feel like when there is a problem I should be able to fix it. And I can't do that with this.

I asked the lab since they were taking my blood if they could test my FSH and LH while I was there. FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is the hormone that they tested at the beginning, since it was so high that is how they diagnosed me with POF. The highest it has been is 123, then it has also been 114 and 104 so I guess a positive would be this is the lowest reading I have had - 94. However, in order to get pregnant they say it should be under 10. Other things that I have researched say that it isn't a true reading anyway unless it is on day 3 of your cycle and since I don't have one it is an inaccurate reading. I guess it is all in the way you look at things.

All of this and the fact that it is freezing cold and dreary outside, my husband is out of town on business and I feel like I am coming down with a cold didn't make for a great day. Lots of tears and disappointment. I normally try and be positive but this is real life and I am blogging so that I can look back once I am pregnant and see all that I have been able to overcome. So, I am just putting all the truth out there, even if it isn't pretty.

Below are all of my test results:

Test	Result
TSH	2.74
Free T3	3.5
Free T4	1.28
Reverse T3, Serum	14.1
Thyroid Peroxidase	8
FSH	94.5
LH	34.3

I picked up my pills this evening and am going to start taking them in the morning.