Good Days and Bad Days

I have many more good days than bad.  But when I have a bad one it just hits me like a ton of bricks.

I have been continuing with my herbs/supplements, bi weekly acupuncture, weekly Merciér therapy, castor oil packs, fertility tea and vaginal steams.  The only thing that I have changed is I stopped drinking my wheat grass each morning. It was the worst part of my regimen and I was just over it.

We have been very busy with the holidays.  Which leaves not a lot of time to think...just going from one place to another.  It has been a nice break from the day to day routine.

This whole infertility thing is not easy.  Especially around the holidays.  Just another reminder that we don't have children.  I would love to wake up Christmas morning and be able to see the joy of a child first thing. Kids just make things more fun. I feel like I have a hole in my heart, like I need to grieve something but can't really do it because it is such an unknown.  Sometimes I feel like I am just stuck.  I know this too shall pass and I just have to be patient, but that isn't always easy to do.

Yesterday we went to the Razorback basketball game.  As we were driving home there is a huge sign that shows the number of births that a local hospital system has for the year. Since it is the end of the year the number was very large. This didn't seem to bother me at first. Once we got home I couldn't stop thinking about it. It just consumed my mind. It was a HUGE number and I have doctors telling me I can't be a part of it.  It is just not fair.  

On top of that, my whole weight thing really hit me last night.  My clothes have been tighter and everything I do (diet and exercise), nothing seems to change that. I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. And when I do it is like I don't even recognize the person I look like anymore. Now I know logically speaking this probably has to do with my thyroid from the tests I finished taking, but it still makes me feel like it is just another thing wrong with me which isn't easy to take in either.

I ended up in our bedroom crying my eyes out.  Sometimes I just have to let it all out.  I always feel so much better after that.  

I have said this before and I would say it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My husband is amazing. He always comes to my side to comfort me and to make it all better. I would be completely lost without him. Even though I am sure he thinks I am crazy sometimes - I just cry out of the blue for no reason at times! He never even flinches to be right by my side. I am so blessed to have him in this journey with me.

I found this quote online and I just love it!

Barnes Thyroid Test - Final Results

I finished my Barnes thyroid test today.  I failed it.

There are two different ways I can look at this:

1. I failed ANOTHER test - just another way of my body not functioning correctly
2. Happy that I have peeled back another layer of this diagnosis and will be able to get some answers

I am going to go with the 2nd. (The first is what originally crossed my mind but I told myself to suck it up and that I need to stay positive).  Like I have said before attitude is EVERYTHING and you choose what your day will be.  You get a clean slate each morning when you wake up - you can choose to make it a good day or choose to make it a bad day.  

My average temperature was 97.2.  Based on the paperwork this would be considered hypothyroid. The interesting thing is that when I Googled hypothyroid and infertility there are numerous articles about infertility and thyroid problems.  This intrigues me and I can't wait to find out more about it.  I am scheduled to go back to acupuncture the second week in January so I will give her the results and we will discuss the next steps from there.  

Acupuncture and Barnes Thyroid Test

I had an acupuncture appointment today.  A few weeks ago I had found an article on a page in a group that I am part of that had an article about a girl with POF and different acupuncture points that were used for 9 months and she was able to get her period back.

Dr L had reviewed this and had some questions to ask.  First, she gave me a piece of paper with 4 different options.  She asked me to choose which one best fit my symptoms.  As I was looking through them none of them had a lot of my symptoms.  As I have gone through this whole journey and with everything I have read most people with POF have a lot more menopausal symptoms.  I do not, just an absence of my menstrual cycle.

We discussed this and I chose the best option. She then took a look at my tongue, it looked healthy.  I asked her about this and she said you can tell a lot by a person's tongue.  So, I am glad mine looked healthy.

She also did some different points.  I was a little nervous because the first ones were in my back. She put them in at an angle and then I laid down on my back so she could put all the other needles in the points on the front of my body.  Strangely enough I didn't feel the needles in my back while I was laying on it.

We also discussed my thyroid.  On all of my blood tests from the beginning of the year this level came back regular.  My TSH level came back as 1.28 - completely normal range.  She asked if I would be willing to take my temperature each day.  I already do this with a digital thermometer in my mouth to see if I am ovulating or not.  She explained that this was a throw a way thermometer that you place under your armpit and take it before you get out of bed or do anything in the morning.  I agreed.  I mean who wouldn't want to take their temperature by mouth and under your armpit at the same time each morning before getting out of bed before you are really awake?!

I brought home the test and will take it for 10 days in a row.  My average temperature for those 10 days should be 97.8 or above.  If it is below then more than likely my thyroid is abnormal.  This would explain the 30 lbs that I have gained since all of this has started.  And no matter what I do I can't seem to get it off.

My homework is also to take a look at my pills that I currently take to see if any of them have iodine or kelp in them.  Dr L says this is a natural way to get the thyroid to even back out.

The thermometer is called Tempa-DOT, it is a single use thermometer that I will use each morning and throw away.  The kit came with 10 strips.

Snowed In

I live in Northwest Arkansas, some winters are good and some not so much. This winter, according to all the old wives tales is supposed to be a bad one. As soon as the weather channels start tracking a storm that is all the buzz in this area. Sometimes they are dead on and other times not even close with their snow fall amounts. This time was actually correct.

We started out with sleet for a few hours and then got about 8 inches of snow on top of that. Arkansas doesn't really have the equipment to keep up with the roads. I have been working from home since last Thursday. I get a lot of work done while I am at home, a lot less distractions.  

This is our baby, Kyzer.  In case you can't tell from his face he doesn't like the snow!

The snow is very pretty.  I was able to get out and scoop a path for the dog.  He is so spoiled!

Then I took pictures from the back of our house, while he stayed inside and enjoyed the warmth!

Cabin fever was starting to set in by Friday night so we decided to go the Razorback basketball game on Saturday.  We try to make it to most of the home games.  My father in law, brother in law, his friend and Benji and I went.  Even though it took us an hour and a half to get there, normally it is around 40 minutes, it was worth it to get out of the house!

Sunday we decided to get out again since we were running low on groceries.  We picked up my sister in law and niece and nephew to get them out of the house for a bit as well.  It is always fun to spend time with them.

It has been kind of nice to take a break from everyday life for a few days.  Especially around the holidays. 

This is my first year of being infertile around the holidays.  I am trying to make the best of it.  

I have a love/hate relationship with social media. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing everyone's pictures and updates but it is hard to see that when you are told you can't have children. It makes it even more real. Everyone my age is pregnant, everyone has kids that they are snuggled up in their houses with and sledding with. And I am at home, not pregnant and with no kids. I have my "baby" but he doesn't talk back, which I guess that could be a good thing, ha! I don't say this to hurt anyone's feelings, just want to get all my emotions out there and be able to look back on this one day.  

Being snowed in does have its positives too, lots of time for trying to make babies! That is probably too much information for most of you but I am just keeping it real. So I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for our little miracle baby.

Acupuncture - Auricular Acupuncture Therapy

I had an acupuncture appointment today.  My acupuncturist did the normal points and then she also did the points in my ears again.  We did this previously in July and August. 

This is a picture of what the needles look like while they are in my ear. (Note: this is not my actual ear, just a picture off the internet)  I never knew how hard it was to take a picture of your own ear!

The ear is also known as an inverted fetus concept - meaning if you look at someone's ear upside down it looks like a fetus.  There are known points in the ear that have effects on the reproductive system.

Auricular acupuncture is a treatment system based on normalizing the body's pain and dysfunction through stimulation of points on the ear. 

This involves needling points in the ear that correspond to different organ systems in the body. The ear points can be needled with conventional needles, sometimes, small seeds or specialized "press" needles are used.

The usual selected auricular points for fertility treatment are:

1. Kidneys
2. Uterus
3. Liver
4. Spleen
5. Ovary
6. Endocrine System 

Each time three to five points are selected and strong stimulation is applied on them.

Here is a diagram of the different points.

After I was finished with the needle part she attached the "press" needles that are left on those pressure points until they fall off, or they will hopefully stay on until I go back in two weeks.  Here is a picture of what my ears look like with them on.  I call them my earrings!

When I had these over the summer they didn't last the two weeks, I think that was mostly due to swimming.  So hopefully they will stay on longer this time. 

They don't hurt at all, just a little awkward at times.  The needles that go in to my ears during acupuncture hurt a little more than most of the needles.  I think this is due to not having that many soft spots on your ears, especially at the top.  But, it only stings a little going in and then I can't feel them.  

It is always nice to get a nap in at lunch too!

4th week of Merciér Therapy

Today was my 4th week or Merciér therapy.  I had one session on Tuesday and one session today, this was my 12th session.

When I signed up for this that was the agreement.  12 sessions - 3 to 4 times a week.  I think that I felt things would be different by this point.  Meaning I would have started my period.  I am disappointed that I haven't. Since I haven't started yet we are going to do one session each week until I do.  Part of the program is six additional massages after you have completed the 12 sessions.  So these will be part of the whole package.

But I can't short change things either.  A LOT has changed.  Even though I have not hit the final result that I wanted to yet there have been a lot of things that have changed.

I have zero scar tissue left that can be felt.  Just 4 weeks ago I thought that I didn't have a right ovary because it didn't come up on an ultrasound and couldn't be felt in my consultation and first session.  I have a lot more elasticity in my mid section.  Things feel much more open and free instead of tight and closed.

I am proud of myself for how far I have come since this diagnosis.  I have done a lot of things to change the results and just because I have yet to see those results change as a number or on a piece of paper I am at peace with what I have completed.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving day.  I am looking forward to traveling to Nebraska and spending the holidays with family.  It will also be  time to relax and let my mind take a break from infertility.  I will take my herbs and supplements with me and take those while we are out of town but  I will take a break from the wheat grass, castor oil packs and V steams.  It is just too much to travel with those things.

I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving and you get to spend time with your loved ones <3 I am so thankful and blessed!

I really love this quote...and I will live by that until my miracle happens.

The Dreaded Test

I have been contemplating on whether or not I should write about this.  But, when I started this blog I promised myself that I would document my ENTIRE journey.  And this is just part of it.

When I first stopped taking my birth control pills and didn't have a period I thought as everyone would that I may be pregnant.  I mean, it happens to people while they are on the pill, so surely it could happen right after I stopped.  During that time I always made sure to have a box of pregnancy tests handy.  I would take one every now and then since I hadn't had a period.  After I went to the doctor and got the news that they think I won't have children I quit putting myself through the agonizing pain of taking the tests.

Since I have been on my natural path it has always been in the back of my mind that I should take a test, but I haven't done it.  Mostly because I have always received a negative result so why would I want to keep reminding myself of it.

Well, today was that day.  I have been doing my fertility massages for three weeks.  There is no scar tissue left and my ovaries have become normal size again.  Since I haven't gotten my period yet, most girls do by this time, I thought I should just take a test and be pleasantly surprised.

And once again, that damn stick proved me wrong.  It is kind of crazy if you think about it, one stick, with one or two words on it can completely change your life.

I think all women who struggle with infertility grow to hate these things as much as I do.  It is such a let down.  Just when you think you know your body has changed, BAM it slaps you right back down.  You want to be excited about it but you know month after month it is going to say the same thing.  Today was no different.  I try to not let it bother me, and I have to say I do a pretty good job at it.  But sometimes it just gets to you.  For me mostly it is while I am driving and have plenty of time to myself and time to think.  I drive down the road with tears just streaming.  I am sure I get weird looks from other drivers but I don't care.  It is my time and if that is how I let it out, that is my thing.

I can't wait for the day that I can prove that stick wrong!

3rd week of Merciér Therapy and Shoutout

I completed my 3rd week of Merciér therapy on Thursday.  That was my 10th session.  I have two more left.

I have no scar tissue left and both of my ovaries are easily found so I have come a long way in the past 3 weeks.  It is not tender anywhere anymore either so it is like getting an hour and a half massage each day, what's not to like?!

Karen and I were hoping to have my cycle back by now but it hasn't happened.  This leaves me a little disappointed.  Although through this whole process my body has never done anything like anyone else's so I shouldn't expect it to now!  I know that it will come back.  Just have to be patient.

I am still taking my 22 herbs and supplements a day as well as drinking Pregnitude and wheat grass.  I am also drinking my 3 glasses of fertility tea a day.  I do my steam each day that I have Merciér therapy done and my castor oil packs as well.  I also started temping this week, in case you don't know what this is you use a basal thermometer and take your temperature by mouth before getting out of bed in the morning.  This makes you more aware of when you are ovulating.  I did this for two months in July and August and never ovulated based on my temperature (With POF you normally don't ovulate, your body thinks it is in menopause).  I am hoping with everything being opened up from the therapy we will have better luck this time.
  
I also wanted to give a little shout out to Karen.  She bravely did a radio interview about Merciér therapy and has allowed me to share it with everyone.  She truly is a blessing in my life!  If you have time you should listen to it, if not just read the article and share with anyone you may know.  Women keep this stuff a secret and it shouldn't be.  The more we talk about it the more we can help others.  (I am also mentioned in about the 47th minute of the interview).

http://intentionradio.com/2013/11/no-more-suffering-in-silence-karen-miller/?post_id=7774&search_category&search_label&author&no_redirect=true

Blown Away

We have been absolutely blown away the past couple of days.

I just wanted to document our journey and share with friends and family and have something to show our future children.  I was very anxious/nervous about sharing this blog on social media because I was afraid people would judge me or look down on me.  I was completely wrong.

I have had people send me messages that they have/or are struggling with infertility.  I even received a few messages from people I didn't even know!  Never in a million years did I think this would touch that many people.

It gives me such gratitude to know that I have helped people, and show them that they are not alone.  The problem with infertility is they say every 1 in 8 couples suffer from it and most people aren't willing to talk about it at all.   I want to change that.  There is nothing to be ashamed of, it is not your fault.

It is also so great for my soul when people tell me they went through the same struggles and either have a child of their own now or are currently pregnant.  It gives me such hope.  I don't believe for one minute that I am 29 years old and can never have children.  I am a firm believer that your body can heal itself, you just have to give it the right tools and BELIEVE that it will happen.

So, I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone that has taken the time to read this and share it.  And thank you for all the kind and sweet words and the prayers.  They have been very uplifting!

Time to Reflect

I decided to write this blog to document our lives through our struggle with infertility, specifically Premature Ovarian Failure.  I also thought it would be a good way to keep our family and friends updated with everything that is going on. Another reason I am writing this blog is so that I can show our future kids our journey.  The final reason and most important is that even if I can help one person through their struggle it will be worth it.  Infertility can be a very lonely world sometimes.  People don't like to talk about it.  My hope is that more people will take the natural approach as well.

The past couple of weeks I have been updating everything that has happened so far on our journey.

I haven't written much of my own personal thoughts, so here goes:

When I first received my diagnosis I was so upset.  I know that I am meant to be a mother.  I have always thought that for as long as I can remember.  I come from two very large families and I want that life.  I also married in to a wonderful family.  My husbands immediate family lives here but the rest of his family lives in Germany and we have visited twice and they are so welcoming to me even with the language barrier.

I have the best husband.  I have always known this, but the battle of infertility has made our marriage even stronger.  He has a heart of gold and would do anything and everything for me.  Through all of this he has been my rock.  He is my cheerleader and tells me what a great job I am doing and what I am sacrificing for our family. I am so thankful for him.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason, I am not sure what the reason for this is but if I look at the bigger picture I know that this too shall pass.

I believe that attitude is EVERYTHING.  You get a clean slate when you wake up each morning and it is your choice on how to live that day.  I choose to live my life positively.  Now, there are some days that aren't that easy.  Especially when everyone you see is pregnant (I swear once you are told that you can't have kids everyone is pregnant)!  It is also not easy to see everyone your age announcing their pregnancies and pictures of their kids but that is life.  Life isn't always fair.

(I have been living by this quote lately)

2nd week of Merciér Therapy

I made it through my 2nd week of the massage therapy.  I have really grown to love it and I look forward to going each day.

Karen and I talk the entire time of my massage, we have so much in common and share the same thoughts and ideas that it isn't even funny.  Sometimes I feel like she is my therapist too!

My last day of therapy for this week was Friday.  She mentioned that my ovaries when I started last week were very small, some of the smallest she had ever felt.  This wasn't a surprise to me because I had heard this from the doctors as well.

She gave me some great news that my ovaries were starting to feel much larger.  The left one especially.  The right one she is still able to find each time which is very promising to me.

Our goal is to get my cycle back and then once I have that back go from there in regards to getting pregnant.  I am also able to feel tingling/pain in that part of my abdomen which we both think of as a very good sign.

Great report at Acupuncture

I have still been continuing my acupuncture every other week.  Since the start of my Merciér therapy I have been looking forward to going back to acupuncture to see if there have been any changes.

When I arrived Friday morning I asked Dr L if she could re measure my frequencies to see if my readings looked better.  She was more than happy to do it.

I have to hold a metal piece that is attached to a machine in my right hand and then she uses the other part and places it on different parts of my hands and feet to measure the different meridians on my body.

Once completed we reviewed the last time I had my frequencies checked and I had MAJOR improvements specifically in the area of my abdomen. Once again great news, I am starting to like this.   I believe that this is due to everything working together but most importantly the Merciér therapy and specifically when I felt the tissue move the week before.

1st week of Merciér Therapy

My first day of Merciér therapy I was pretty anxious.  I wasn't exactly sure what to expect and what the pain level would be.

The first day was pretty painful on my abdomen area but we had a lot of scar tissue to work through.  She was able to find my left ovary right away but couldn't locate my right ovary.  There was a lot of blockage.

I was really sore when I woke up on Wednesday morning.  And I had to go back for another day of therapy which I wasn't looking forward to as I was sore from the day before.  I laid on the table and she began the treatment again.

While she was working on my right side we heard a noise and then I could feel tissue move underneath my skin and break apart.  It was the weirdest feeling.  Ever since I began all of this and all that I have been taking and doing I finally felt that this was meant to be.  I could actually feel the physical results.  Once the tissue moved she was able to locate my right ovary.  Success!!  I was so ecstatic.

The third massage that week she was able to go even deeper, and she was able to find both ovaries right away which was great news to me.  I was getting more used to the massages by now and was actually looking forward to them.

Fertility Tea and V Steam

One of the things that goes along with Merciér therapy is fertility tea and V steam.

My first day of my massage after I was finished Karen gave these to me and asked that I drink 2 - 3 glasses of tea a day and do the steam each day that I have the therapy completed.

Fertility Tea - the following herbs are used:

• Chasteberry - stimulates the hormone involved in ovulation and restores female hormonal balance
• Red Raspberry Leaf - has the ability to tone the uterus and muscles of the pelvic region
• Ladies Mantle - regulates the monthly menstrual cycle
• Nettle Leaf - contains a wide spectrum of vitamins and minerals that are crucial to good reproductive health - Nettle contains vitamins A, C, D, K, potassium, phosphorus, iron and sulfur.  Nettle also contains calcium, a mineral that affects a woman's ability to conceive and maintain pregnancy
• Peppermint - give the tea a delicious flavor and serves as a sexual stimulant
• Green Tea - is a powerful antioxidant that enhances reproductive health by repairing the oxidative damage that occurs naturally as the result of environmental toxins and aging

Vaginal Steams - this blend of specific herbs and steam will allow the pelvis and the reproductive organs to open up and be ready to receive on many levels.  V steam helps to release tension and relax pelvic floor muscles.  

• Sage - is used to help reduce hot flashes and dysmenorrhea - sage has a component that is estrogenic
• Comfrey Leaf - has an anti-prostaglandin property that reduces inflammation.  Several studies have shown that Comfrey can influence the production of sex steroid hormones which stimulate the ovaries.
• Lavender Flowers - have sedative properties and are good for calmin, anxiety and tension as well as relaxing spasms within the musculature
• Basil Leaf - helps to treat hormonally related fertility issues as well as easing discomforts of menopause and dysmenorrhea
• Oregano Leaf - is antibacterial and soothing
• Yarrow Leaf - expels toxins, is wound healing and can dispel blood clots.  Yarrow has been used to cease heavy bleeding and can also be used for amenorrhea.  This herb is a natural anti-inflammatory too.

This is a picture of the tea and the steam herbs.

Merciér Therapy

I happened to stumble across Merciér Therapy on Facebook.  I am part of a local infertility group on Facebook and was scanning through recent posts.  The first thing I did was look it up to see what it was.

It is a manipulative therapy that is completed over a short period of time to get optimal results.  This was right along the path that I was taking, so I had to know more.

I called Karen, she was the therapist that pulled up in my area.  She was so sweet on the phone and I decided to go in for a 30 minute consultation to see what it was all about.

The purpose of Merciér therapy is to use a gentle, corrective massage therapy to create more blood flow and mobility of the uterus, ovaries and tubes.  It goes to the source of the challenge and fixes it.  This sounded much better to me than prescription drugs and injections!

Merciér therapy has to occur on a consistent basis to achieve maximum results.  It is kind of like physical therapy, just for your abdomen/reproductive area.

Karen suggested 12 sessions of therapy for a one month period which would mean 3 - 4 times a week.  There would be a 30 minute abdomen portion and an hour full body massage after that because she believes that the entire body works together, I agree with that logic as well.

While I was there she also asked if she could go ahead and feel around my abdomen area to see if she noticed anything.  While laying on the table she noticed that I had a lot of scar tissue on the right hand side of my abdomen (this is the side that the doctor in Tulsa told me he couldn't find my ovary).  She was confident that if we started the therapy that would break up that tissue.

She asked me if there had been anything in my life that I could think of as trauma to my body.  After further discussion I told her that I was in a car accident about 7 years ago, the right side would have been where my seatbelt was.  I also had a very hard fall a few years ago which was also concentrated on my right side.

We discussed timing since the 12 sessions need to be done in a very close time frame.  Karen was asked to go to Dubai to speak about Merciér therapy so we decided that I would start my treatment at the beginning of November.

I couldn't wait!

Test Results

What a mess.  That pretty much sums up the ordeal that the last week has been.  I had my blood taken on 9/10 at the hospital.  While I was there I asked them how long they thought it would take they said one to two days.

I wanted the results back the second I got my blood tested!  I called the doctors office on Wednesday and they said they hadn't received the results from the hospital yet.  I called back again on Thursday, same thing. We went out of town over the weekend so I didn't think about it much for the next few days.

Once I got back on Monday I called the doctor again.  She decided this time she would call the hospital (before she was just looking on a program online).  Monday evening I received a call from the lab. They had lost my blood.  Go figure, in today's day and age I don't know how that even happens.  I had to verify my bracelet to my blood multiple times before I could leave.

So, I went back to the hospital, had my blood take again and my results came back the very next day.

Hormone	February 2013	September 2013
HCG	1.7	4
FSH	114	123
LH	42	53
AMH	Not tested	<.16

No positive changes, I am devastated.  After all this hard work and nothing.  The world we live in is very fast paced so we as Americans have become the same way.  I have been learning to have patience.  It is very hard for me.  Waiting for my dream house for 6 months taught me patience.  I think everything happens for a reason and I think that experience was just teaching me for my whole infertility journey.

Taking a look at the larger picture - I was on a pill that tricked my body for years so why would my body in just 3 months snap back from that.

I just keep taking it day by day and hoping for positive results.  At the end of the day that is what we have, HOPE.

Hormones Rechecked

I have been doing my daily regimen of herbs and supplements.  Eating better, exercising more frequently. Going to bi weekly appointments of acupuncture.  I also go to the chiropractor once a month.

We decided to get my hormone levels re checked to see if there had been any positive improvements.  It has been exactly 3 months since I started my natural process.

I called my doctor here and asked to get my blood work taken, they told me for the tests I was wanting I would have to go to the local hospital.  I went in this morning and had my blood taken.

I feel like there is a lot riding on this.  I have made many changes that I believe in and not to mention the financial part of it; all the pills that I purchased and appointments.  It all adds up.

Castor Oil Packs

Castor oil packs are known to enhance circulation and promote healing of the tissues and organs underneath the skin.  They have traditionally been used to aid in cases with inflammation, pain, growths or when increased circulation was desired.

From a fertility standpoint it supports the following:

• Ovarian health
• Fallopian tube health
• Uterine health
• Detoxifying before conception
• Supports egg health

Castor oil packs stimulate 3 important parts of the body: lymphatic and circulatory systems and the liver.  The stimulation of these body systems aids the body in healing the organs and tissues beneath where the castor oil pack is applied.

It is important that you buy cold-pressed castor oil, not the stuff that you buy at your supermarket.  I purchase it at my herb/supplement store.

I lay on an old towel on the floor.  Then take a cloth (best if it is organic material) and put the castor oil on it.  Everything that I read is that castor oil can stain anything it touches so you have to make sure you are careful with it.  After you have the cloth with the oil on it you place that on your abdomen area.  Then I take a small piece of plasic (I use the small trashbags you can buy at the store) put that over the cloth so your heating pad doesn't get stained.  Place the heating pad on top of it and then another towel just to make sure you don't get it on anything.

I do this 4 - 6 times a week for an hour each time.  After I am done I just take a quick shower so that I don't get the oil on anything.

This is a picture of everything that I use.  I just keep the cloth in a ziploc bag so that it can be reused, they say it can be reused for up to 6 months.  I just apply a little more castor oil each use.

Acupuncture

Through all the research that we completed regarding our diagnosis I decided to give acupuncture a try.  It is along the lines of the natural path that we were taking.  I will be honest, I was very nervous going in to my first appointment.  I do not like needles at all!

Dr L was very sweet and explained everything to me.  The first thing she did was review the herbs/supplements I was taking.  Asked me about my diet and exercise.  She wanted to understand the whole body as one, which makes total sense to me.  When we were going to doctors they were just looking at one thing, my diagnosis, and how to get me a child.  What I have realized through this whole process is that I want to have complete health and not just "fix" one thing.

My first appointment she read my frequencies and showed me that I had substantial differences from side to side.  Specifically below my belly button.  She explained to me that meridians can get blocked and it is like an accident on the highway, it can have effects on the rest of your body.

She gave me homework to complete each day - rub the sides of right above my rib cage in small circular motions.  I do this each day when I am taking my pills so that I don't forget.

After reviewing my herbs/supplements she suggested I start taking vitamin D so I purchased that there and added it to my daily regimen.  What's one more pill?!

One other thing that was homework was for me to monitor my heart rate after I exercise.  After keeping record for a week I took it back to her and she told me what my "workout" heart rate should be based on my age and my resting beats per minute.  My goal is to get my heart rate at about 151 bpm while working out.

These are some of my points that she puts needles in.  The needles in my toes don't feel the best going in, but all the others you don't hardly even feel it.

I do have to say after being so scared of it I find it very relaxing. I fall asleep every time during the session and sleep very well the night after I have my treatment.  For the first few weeks I did one session a week and then graduated to every other week.

This is the board that she uses in the acupuncture room that shows the number of needles that have been inserted each time.

Second (Or Third) Opinion

We had decided after our appointment at the first fertility clinic that we would get a second (or third if you count the regular doctor) opinion.  We went the same week that I started taking all of my herbs and supplements.

6/13/2013 - Arkansas Fertility

The area that we live in does not have reproductive endocrinologists.  The first place we went was a couple hours away.  Our trip to Little Rock for this appointment was about 3 1/2 hours away.

Dr M welcomed us in to his office.  Right off the bat I had a good feeling about him.  We told him that we really wanted some one to explain to us what the diagnosis was and what our options were instead of being told what we had to do.

He reviewed my previous hormone tests with us:

• Testosterone - a little high
• LH - 42 which is high
• FSH - very high (I already knew this one!)
• Estrogen - 14 - low
• Calcium - little high - one point above normal (this is good)

He told us that I definitely have Premature Ovarian Failure which is now being called Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POI).

• 4 - 6% of women have spontaneous pregnancy, they have no idea how this happens

He requested that I definitely keep taking DHEA - 75mg daily because it has proven results

One of the things that I am at risk for with this diagnosis is osteoporosis.  Most women go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but he suggested I don't have to do this at this time.  I should have my hormones levels drawn yearly.

• Thyroid, diabetes and parathyroid (metabolics profile)
• Should have bone density test completed within a year - request dexascan - if it is decreasing then I need to start HRT right away

If I have a period on my own then I should go get my progesterone tested 3 weeks from the start of my cycle to check for ovulation.

My chances on IVF are 5% which is not large enough for them to consider doing based on my body not having very many eggs.

Egg donor treatments are $20,000 a try and there is about a 70% chance of pregnancy.

After meeting with Dr M and getting all of this information we definitely felt like the natural way that we had chosen was the way to go.  It just feels right and much less invasive.  We decided that day that we would do everything in our power to do this the natural way, and if it doesn't work then we know that we have tried and would be able to move on to foster/adoption or whatever our hearts lead us to do. 

I do have to say after meeting with Dr M I was much more at peace.  The appointment in Tulsa gave me nothing but anxiety.  Dr M had wonderful bed side manner and actually took a complete hour to speak with us.  As I have found out the hard way, most doctors won't give you that kind of time.

I do suppose the saying "time heals all wounds" helped at this appointment too.  The diagnosis wasn't as fresh as it had been the first time.

Herbs and Supplements

I began taking the following natural supplements on 6/9/2013:

Royal Jelly - 1 tsp 2x per day - this is what the queen bee eats and she lays 250,000 eggs during peak season and up to 2,000 eggs per day
L-Arganine - 1 capsule 3x per day - 500mg per capsule so 1,500mg per day - this encourages blood flow to the uterus, ovaries and genitals
COQ10 - 2 capsules a day - 400mg per capsule - 800mg per day - this is used for basic functioning of cells, it is used in infertility to improve egg quality
DHEA - 75mg per day - this one I was told by the doctor it has been approved and they use it on infertility patients and it has proven results - it increases chances of spontaneous conception, increased quality and quantity of eggs
Melatonin - 3mg before bed - this helps regulate hormones and maintains the body's daily rhythm
Maca - 1 capsule per day - 525mg - is known to improve fertility
Chase Tree (Vitex) - 1 capsule per day - 225mg - an herb that has been used for centuries for hormonal imbalances in women
Red Raspberry Tea - 1 cup per day - this is supposed to help get my cycle back
Wheat Grass - 1 tbsp per day - I mix this with organic tomato juice - it is the only way I can get it down.  I will warn you this is the worst of all of them, you either love the taste of it or hate it and I hate it!
Pregnitude - 1 packet in the morning and 1 packet in the evening - 2 grams myo-inositol, 200mcg folic acid - I purchase this from Walgreens.com, this box will last you a month.  Pregnitude is a reproductive support dietary supplement for women that helps support ovulatory function, menstrual cyclicity and quality of eggs
Shatavari - 1 capsule per day - 500mg - this is a menstrual cycle regulator and supports mucous membranes
Licorice Root - 1 capsule per day - 450mg - this is an anti inflammatory it also balances blood sugar levels and is good for liver health.  This is important because the liver is the chemical processing plant so it maintains hormonal balance
Red Clover - 1 capsule per day - 375mg - this improves circulatory function, increase cervical mucous, high in both calcium and magnesium

6/27/2013 - I started taking Vitamin D - 5000in - 1 capsule per day per my accupuncturist - this is known to increase infertility - it lowers estradiol and progesterone

11/6/2013 - I started taking Rhodiola - 250mg capsules - 2 times a day so 500mg per day per my Merciér therapist - this improves timing of ovulation, promotes regular ovulation, tones the uterus and uterine lining, relaxes and supports the nervous system

11/13/2013 - I started taking Wobenzym N - 6 pills a day - 3 in the morning and 3 in the evening per my Merciér therapist - this cleanses tissues, promotes better circulation, breaks down and removes "fibrin" the make-up of prolonged inflammation and scar tissue, breaks down proteins in the blood that cause inflammation - this facilitates their removal via the lymphatic and circulatory system, reduces inflammation, increase in proper blood formation, increase in proper circulation hinders scar tissue formation while reducing pain

1/7/2014 - I started taking Iodine supplements - 225mcg - one pill per day per my acupuncturist due to my temperature being low which leads her to believe I have hypothyroidism. I have 60 pills so I will take them for 2 months and then take the Barnes Thyroid Test again at that time.

 2/16/2014 - I started taking Calcium supplements - 250mg - 3 pills per day for a total of 750mg and Magnesium supplements - 120mg - 3 pills per day for a total of 360mg.

Deciding to go Natural

After spending a lot of time researching and thinking about things we decided that for now the donor egg/IVF route is not for us.  Not only is it very invasive and you have to pump your body full of drugs it is also $20,000 a try.  There is no guarantee that it will work.

On the same website that we used to research (Fertile Thoughts) I found a blog that sparked my interest.  I am so thankful that I found it because it really got me going on my more natural approach.  Thank you
http://one-in-ten-million.blogspot.com/, I am so glad I found your blog and you are such an inspiration to all of us that have POF.

I also found three private Facebook groups that have girls from all over the world that are going through the same thing I am, this has been a huge help as well.

The other hard thing about this diagnosis is that it has been estimated that POF affects 1% of the population.  I have found that this leads to doctors not knowing a whole lot about it either because they don't see patients that have it very often.

Second Worst Day of my Life

May 15, 2013 - Tulsa Fertility Center

This was a two hour drive from where we live.  We left around 8 so we could get there for our 10:15 appointment.

It was very surreal, I was still thinking in my head the whole time that this was not happening to us.

Once we checked in we had to fill out a TON of paperwork.  Apparently when you are infertile they require a lot of family history/personal history.

We were taken back to the doctor's office (I will not be putting any names of doctors in here) and he started talking away.  Telling me that I definitely had premature ovarian failure.

He also suggested getting a skin biopsy or ovary biopsy to check for Turner's Mosaic Syndrome - that the blood test doesn't pick it up.  He said this may or may not tell us some things.  I am not a doctor but I was not about to be cut on for a biopsy for maybe getting results.  He also stated that my body was currently making enough estrogen because I don't have hot flashes, yet.  One thing that I have read online is most girls that have POF have all the symptoms of menopause.  The only thing I have is amennorhea (no period) and high FSH.

After this he took us to a room to have an internal ultrasound.  I had never had one of these before, it was uncomfortable to say the least.  That and the fact that he was telling me he couldn't find my right ovary at all and that my left ovary was shriveled.  I could already tell it was going to be a great day (I hope you can sense my sarcasm).  He also started the ultrasound out by telling me that my uterus was in great shape and could definitely hold a child.  They say hindsight is always 20/20...

After getting my clothes back on we went back to his office.  About the hindsight thing, the first thing he said was my body was in great shape in order to carry a child.  That the only chance we have of having a child is to use donor eggs and IVF (someone else's egg and my husbands sperm).  I was definitely not prepared for this at all.  As I stated before I was still in a little bit of denial - that none of this was happening to us.

The rest of the appointment is kind a blur to me.  All I remember is that he mentioned donor eggs probably 20 times.  He was definitely pushing that on us.

As we were leaving he gave me a prescription for Provera - to hopefully jump start a period.  He stated that it was important for me to have at least four menses a year in order to protect my uteral lining and not get endometriosis.  I would take Provera for 10 days and see what happens.

While we were checking out they had us schedule a follow up appointment for two weeks later.  I failed to mention before he didn't get all of my test results from Arkansas either.  I was so upset when we left. Regarding the diagnosis and the only option that he gave us (donor eggs).  We went back out to our car and I cried and cried.  I must mention my husband is a rockstar, he has been so AMAZING through everything.  he truly is my rock and I am so lucky that I married a man like him.

Back to Arkansas we went while having a long conversation on the two hour long drive home.

Taking Some Time to Breathe

After this news hitting us like a ton of bricks we needed some time to think.  I originally went in to survival mode and scheduled our appointment right away.  After taking some time to think about it we both realized that we just needed to sit back and wait a little bit.  We were still living with my parents and waiting on a foreclosed house that was our dream house.  Everything worked out with the house and we moved in to it in March 2013.  Also in that time I was asked to come back to my old job, this was a big decision for me but I decided to go back because I truly loved the job.

Once we got all of that out of our system we decided that we would go forward with our journey of infertility.  I called Tulsa Fertility Center and scheduled our appointment for May 15th, 2013.

Yoga

I started doing yoga.  I actually love it.  It helps keep my mind clear of everything and it is my me time.

I try to do this 4 times a week.

With everything that is going on in our busy lives it is kind of nice to have some time to relax and have time to yourself without any interruptions.

In the definition of yoga it says to give you a state of permanent peace, just another reason why I love it!

High FSH = Premature Ovarian Failure

When I had my blood drawn my original FSH came back as 114, the doctor thought maybe it was a false reading so I went back in and had my blood drawn again on 2/11/13 and that level came back as 104.  Below is a chart of what normal FSH ranges are:

Phase	Level
Premenarchal	0 -- 4.0 mIU/ml
Through Puberty	0.3 -- 10.0 mIU/ml
Menstrual	4.7 -- 21.5 mIU/ml
Perimenopausal	Higher than 30 mIU/ml
Menopausal	Higher than 50 mIU/ml
Postmenopausal	30 -- 134.8 mIU/ml

So, what I was being told was that I am 29 years old and have postmenopausal levels.  Who even knew that could happen, it for sure wasn't me!

The first thing we do in today's day and age when finding out about something that we know nothing about is to Google it! My husband is the master of all googling, he can always find things that take me hours to find. He is a big researcher on anything that he is doing, purchasing, etc.  He was able to find a forum called fertile thoughts.  This forum has so many stories on specific diagnosis.  It helped us to understand what all the acronyms are with infertility and a slew of hormone levels.

The doctor also had me come back in to get additional blood drawn for a "Fragile X" test as a pre requisite in order to go to the Fertility Clinic in Tulsa.  This test was taken on 2/14/13.  The results came back as negative - meaning the reason for my POF was not Fragile X.

On 2/15/13 we were officially referred to Tulsa Fertility Center to set up our appointment.

The Back Story

My name is Nicole and my husband is Benji.  We have been together since 4/29/01.  Twelve years!  We were married in 2008 so we celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary this year.

I have been a planner/organizer my entire life.  So when it came to having children I was the same way.  I would stop taking birth control (which I had been on for 12 years) and we would have a child.  Boy was I wrong.  Nothing in my life has ever prepared me for the roller coaster that my life was about to become.

I started out by going to my OBGYN for my yearly exam in February 2013.  I had stopped taking the pill in June 2012 but had a lot going on in my life for the rest of the year (2 out of the country vacations, changing jobs, quitting smoking, selling our house and moving in with my parents) so I blamed my absent period on stress.  While at the doctor we went through the normal questions.  She suggested that I may be pregnant since I hadn't had a period.  So she would do a urine test while I was there.  After the test was complete she came back in the room with a smile on her face saying 3 tests came back positive and 3 came back negative.  She would have me go get my blood tested just to be sure and one of two things would happen.  A: I would be pregnant B: if I wasn't pregnant she could put me on a pill to jump start things.  This was on a Friday, needless to say I was excited all weekend to get my results back.  I have been around children my whole entire life (my mom babysat kids as I was growing up so our house was always full and I volunteered at the local children's shelter for 5 years) so kids have always had a special place in my heart.

On Monday, while I was at work, I got a call from the nurse.  She told me that the test had come back negative (heartbreaking) and that they doctor had tested an FSH level that she thought of after I left.  That number had come back off the charts and she told me over the phone that they thought I had premature ovarian failure and would never have kids of my own.  This hit me like a ton of bricks.  Not only did I have no idea what that was but I was definitely not prepared for those words at all.  Not to mention that the nurse called me, I would think this would be a conversation that would be face to face.

After many tears we made an additional appointment that Friday (I was out of town on a business trip for the entire week) to speak with the doctor.  She told us that she didn't know much about the diagnosis, just that she was taught in medical school if you have that high of an FSH level this is what you have.  She would refer us to Tulsa Fertility Center and we could get our next steps there.

And so begins the journey...