Back to School

We have been on our journey through infertility now for a year and a half. The beginning was definitely the most emotional for me. Trying to get through all the information and understanding one sentence that will forever change two people's lives.

Once we digested the initial shock we went in to battle mode. How are we going to beat this? Researching, researching, researching. Looking for success stories to boost our confidence and trying to beat the odds that are stacked very high against us.

Two infertility clinics later we knew that the way for us to go was a more natural path. Our odds according to those doctors weren't very good so we didn't have much to lose.

I have been completely focused on that for the past year, a year and two and a half months to be exact. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that long but sometimes if feels like an eternity.

Things have started to slow down for us. I have taken herbs and supplements for longer than I have planned, I tried acupuncture. Got the right medication to get my thyroid on track. Doing my Mercier Therapy to get rid of my scar tissue and get everything flowing and moving correctly.

When we began the natural journey I was sure that it was going to work, isn't that how things always are at the beginning?! I still have hope, my light is just a little dimmer than it was at the beginning. I will never give up on this, for as long as I live. I will continue to research and find new things that are working for people and happening in the infertility world. But, sometimes one can only take so many hits before it starts getting to them.

This past Sunday I was scrolling through Facebook. I started noticing all of the back to school posts about people getting all of their child's things together for their very first day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, junior high...etc.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these people are my age. Friends, people I went to school with, family. Everyone but me is getting ready to send their kids back to school.

Not me.

It is crazy how the world of social media can sometimes make you feel inadequate or lonely. When it should be the complete opposite of that.

I decided last Sunday to take a break. From all of it. No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all of the back to school posts that were to come the very next morning. I cried myself to work every day this week and every day on the way home. Passing school busses, school zones, kids walking down the sidewalk.

This week was one of the hardest weeks of my infertility journey. I think last year at this time I was so focused on me and the journey I was on and the newness of figuring out what to do and what the next thing would be to get me pregnant. That I didn't have time to see it or get down about it.

Not this year.

It has been kind of nice to be disconnected from the world for the past 6 days. Just me and my thoughts. Not comparing myself to others, not seeing birth announcements, not seeing the daily reminder that I don't have kids and am clearly not pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE these things. I love children. I love my family and I love my friends and all of their kids. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to see pictures of my friends and family that are far away that I don't get to see all the time, and keeping up with them and what they are doing.

Life just sucks sometimes and this is one of those times. Life is not fair. That is one lesson that I have learned the hard way.

I am glad I have had this week to reflect. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is my motto lately.

Just being real and writing out my thoughts so that when I do have my baby I can look back and see the journey it took and to be so thankful for the things I do have in life.

Loving this quote lately and it is so true!

Second (Or Third) Opinion

We had decided after our appointment at the first fertility clinic that we would get a second (or third if you count the regular doctor) opinion.  We went the same week that I started taking all of my herbs and supplements.

6/13/2013 - Arkansas Fertility

The area that we live in does not have reproductive endocrinologists.  The first place we went was a couple hours away.  Our trip to Little Rock for this appointment was about 3 1/2 hours away.

Dr M welcomed us in to his office.  Right off the bat I had a good feeling about him.  We told him that we really wanted some one to explain to us what the diagnosis was and what our options were instead of being told what we had to do.

He reviewed my previous hormone tests with us:

• Testosterone - a little high
• LH - 42 which is high
• FSH - very high (I already knew this one!)
• Estrogen - 14 - low
• Calcium - little high - one point above normal (this is good)

He told us that I definitely have Premature Ovarian Failure which is now being called Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POI).

• 4 - 6% of women have spontaneous pregnancy, they have no idea how this happens

He requested that I definitely keep taking DHEA - 75mg daily because it has proven results

One of the things that I am at risk for with this diagnosis is osteoporosis.  Most women go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but he suggested I don't have to do this at this time.  I should have my hormones levels drawn yearly.

• Thyroid, diabetes and parathyroid (metabolics profile)
• Should have bone density test completed within a year - request dexascan - if it is decreasing then I need to start HRT right away

If I have a period on my own then I should go get my progesterone tested 3 weeks from the start of my cycle to check for ovulation.

My chances on IVF are 5% which is not large enough for them to consider doing based on my body not having very many eggs.

Egg donor treatments are $20,000 a try and there is about a 70% chance of pregnancy.

After meeting with Dr M and getting all of this information we definitely felt like the natural way that we had chosen was the way to go.  It just feels right and much less invasive.  We decided that day that we would do everything in our power to do this the natural way, and if it doesn't work then we know that we have tried and would be able to move on to foster/adoption or whatever our hearts lead us to do. 

I do have to say after meeting with Dr M I was much more at peace.  The appointment in Tulsa gave me nothing but anxiety.  Dr M had wonderful bed side manner and actually took a complete hour to speak with us.  As I have found out the hard way, most doctors won't give you that kind of time.

I do suppose the saying "time heals all wounds" helped at this appointment too.  The diagnosis wasn't as fresh as it had been the first time.