Where There Is Hope...

I found this quote and it is so true for me this week...

Through our entire journey I have tried to never give up hope. That is the one thing about it, always something to hold on to. When we decided to start our adoption journey after struggling through our infertility journey we had to lay some things to rest. 

Things that most people our age don't have to do. Infertility is such a grieving process. I don't think you truly know unless you have gone through it. You have to grieve a baby you may never have. Just like a death. Except you have to say goodbye to someone that you never even got a chance to meet. Which may sound crazy to most people, but it is the truth. And it is so sad, you never know when the end of the road is. There is always that little glimmer of hope that you just can't give up on.

When you are growing up you picture what your family will look like when you are grown. That your children will look like part of you and part of your husband. You hear it all the time; he/she looks so much like you. That is one of the many things that infertility strips from you. That we may never have someone say that to us about our future children.

This Monday was a HUGE day. After 2 years and 10 months of nothing, no signs whatsoever of my fertile years. I got my cycle back. So many emotions have been involved. I cried, was in disbelief, complete and udder shock. 

I have had two reproductive endocrinologists and two OBGYN's tell me that this will never happen. That I would never get my cycle back because I am in full blow menopause. We have tried everything for almost two years. Countless herbs, supplements, fertility tea, castor oil packs, drinking the nastiest tasting thing I have ever had; wheat grass! And all in one day, everything changed. Just like that. 

I don't know what made it happen, will probably never know. But, I do know that after all of our hard work; it feels like it has finally paid off. 

I am still getting my massages and I feel like that has a lot to do with it. When I called my massage therapist to tell her the news I had tears in my eyes. She was so thrilled for me as well. And has stood behind me every step of the way. Always going the extra mile to help me out and to help me get answers. I am so indebted to her for being my cheerleader. I know that God puts people in your life for a reason and I truly believe she was put in mine for a reason.

One of the things that I have researched that if I ever did get my cycle back was to get cycle day 3 (CD3) testing. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and had that done. Very hopeful for good results. All of my numbers have improved, greatly from what they have ever been before. My FSH which is one of the big factors, the number has always been off the charts. 114, 104 and 94, my CD3 test came back as 58. That is by far the lowest I have ever seen in my results. I wasn't very happy about it at first because it is not what it is supposed to be. It has to be under 10 for a chance of pregnancy. And I feel like I am a long way from that. But, if I look at it as glass half full, it has gone down substantially.

While talking to my sister on the phone that day she told me to celebrate my victories, no matter what they are. I love her and the support she gives me each and every day.

While sitting at dinner on Thursday night after the roller coaster of emotions from the beginning of the week, Benji and I were talking about it. I was being hard on myself and feeling not so happy about the results because they are not what they are "supposed" to be. He is another person that I am so grateful for. He is here for me in the day in and day out of it. And never waivers, always giving me the boost I need. Telling me how proud he was of me and how far I have come, it brought me to tears.

This is a HUGE victory for me. And for that I am thankful. 

Where there is hope, there is faith. Where there is faith, miracles happen. 

So now I get to count my cycle days, something that I have never been able to do since I have been diagnosed. And to still have hope for our little miracle.

I don't know what next month will bring, if it will come back or be non existent again. But I am choosing to be grateful for our victory.

Living in the Moment and Courage

It has been really quiet since we finished our individual interviews for our home study. Part of it is due to the holiday's and part of it is due to the way things work in this process.

Benji's individual interview went great. We have run in to some road blocks while filling out the medical portion of our packets. Long story short...we both go to a walk-in clinic when we are sick which is not that often. They aren't willing to sign the paperwork since they aren't our "primary" caregiver. So, after getting all my medical records and some communicable diseases blood work run I was able to get mine finally signed off on. Benji is working on his and once we turn that in we will be approved. Yay!

We have been trying to live in the moment the past couple of months. Just living life day to day. We have also started making plans for this next year and not putting our life on hold. If I just let it be I know it will happen. All of this can be so overwhelming at times most of the time. To think in an instant, our lives could will change. And we can have what we have been longing for. 

When you are young you think you know everything. That what is happening to you is the worst that it can get. I remember things from when I was a young adult/teenager that were so important then and they mean absolutely nothing now. It is crazy how things can change. I think back a lot on just a couple of years ago. We sold our starter home and had found our dream house. It ended up taking us 6 months to get it. That seemed like such a long time to me then. And now that I look back on it, it was such a short amount of time. I suppose that will be how this works out as well. Waiting two years, so far, to have a baby. To complete our family. 

All it will be is one phone call. That will change that long amount of time that we have been waiting to nothing. All of those feelings will just dissipate. It is exciting, scary, overwhelming, emotional and crazy! To think that we could be parents in just a short amount of time.

Even since we have started our adoption journey, some days it seems like we just started it and some days it feels like it has been the longest three months.

Not knowing what to expect, not knowing when that day will come. It is hard. Especially for both of us, we are very much planners/organizers. Which is even more reason for us to live in the moment. I like that things have slowed down a bit due to the holiday's to really make us see that too.  

I got this sign from my mom for Christmas, I picked it out at the local craft fair this fall. I completely forgot about it, love little surprises like that in life! And the saying is oh so true.

We have had a great past couple of weeks. We got to celebrate Christmas three times with the ones we love. We are so grateful for all of our family and all of the support we have received thus far. 

Update from Infertility Study

I received the final dissertation from my infertility study that I was a part of this past spring.

I forgot all the raw emotions that I had while doing this. As I have been reading through the dissertation I am so thankful that I was a part of it.

Even though it doesn't seem like much has changed, I have grown so much since doing those interviews.

I was still very bitter and scared of the unknown that is infertility.

Now I am at a much happier place in my journey and have discovered many things about myself. My self worth is much more positive and I now know that there is absolutely nothing that I could have done that would have made this not happen to me.

That in itself gives me such peace of mind.

The purpose of the dissertation is to give the public, as well as doctor's a better view of what it is like to live the life of an infertile woman and an infertile couple.

All people that were interviewed were kept anonymous. My pseudo name was "Natalie" for those that are interested in reading through it.

Dissertation Publication - Infertility Study

Inspiration Boards

I have had this idea in my head for awhile. Ever since I started blogging I have really tuned in to different quotes that I LOVE.

I went to Hobby Lobby and was able to get some accessories and make my idea turn in to our bathroom wall decoration.

This is the view looking down the wall

First board

2nd board

3rd board

View from the other end

Love being able to see all of these quotes each morning. They help me keep things in perspective and start my day off right. I read most of them while I am drying may hair each day.

I truly believe that seeing is believing, so this helps me with that aspect of my infertility. And makes me keep my hope alive.

Back to School

We have been on our journey through infertility now for a year and a half. The beginning was definitely the most emotional for me. Trying to get through all the information and understanding one sentence that will forever change two people's lives.

Once we digested the initial shock we went in to battle mode. How are we going to beat this? Researching, researching, researching. Looking for success stories to boost our confidence and trying to beat the odds that are stacked very high against us.

Two infertility clinics later we knew that the way for us to go was a more natural path. Our odds according to those doctors weren't very good so we didn't have much to lose.

I have been completely focused on that for the past year, a year and two and a half months to be exact. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that long but sometimes if feels like an eternity.

Things have started to slow down for us. I have taken herbs and supplements for longer than I have planned, I tried acupuncture. Got the right medication to get my thyroid on track. Doing my Mercier Therapy to get rid of my scar tissue and get everything flowing and moving correctly.

When we began the natural journey I was sure that it was going to work, isn't that how things always are at the beginning?! I still have hope, my light is just a little dimmer than it was at the beginning. I will never give up on this, for as long as I live. I will continue to research and find new things that are working for people and happening in the infertility world. But, sometimes one can only take so many hits before it starts getting to them.

This past Sunday I was scrolling through Facebook. I started noticing all of the back to school posts about people getting all of their child's things together for their very first day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, junior high...etc.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these people are my age. Friends, people I went to school with, family. Everyone but me is getting ready to send their kids back to school.

Not me.

It is crazy how the world of social media can sometimes make you feel inadequate or lonely. When it should be the complete opposite of that.

I decided last Sunday to take a break. From all of it. No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all of the back to school posts that were to come the very next morning. I cried myself to work every day this week and every day on the way home. Passing school busses, school zones, kids walking down the sidewalk.

This week was one of the hardest weeks of my infertility journey. I think last year at this time I was so focused on me and the journey I was on and the newness of figuring out what to do and what the next thing would be to get me pregnant. That I didn't have time to see it or get down about it.

Not this year.

It has been kind of nice to be disconnected from the world for the past 6 days. Just me and my thoughts. Not comparing myself to others, not seeing birth announcements, not seeing the daily reminder that I don't have kids and am clearly not pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE these things. I love children. I love my family and I love my friends and all of their kids. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to see pictures of my friends and family that are far away that I don't get to see all the time, and keeping up with them and what they are doing.

Life just sucks sometimes and this is one of those times. Life is not fair. That is one lesson that I have learned the hard way.

I am glad I have had this week to reflect. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is my motto lately.

Just being real and writing out my thoughts so that when I do have my baby I can look back and see the journey it took and to be so thankful for the things I do have in life.

Loving this quote lately and it is so true!

Biggest Group Yet!

We had another infertility support group meeting tonight. It was our biggest group yet, 8 people! It is such a blessing to have this support at this time in my life.

Great night at The Pressroom

They get what I am going through and always know the right things to say. I always look forward to our meetings and can't wait for the next one!

Osteo What?!

At my Endo appointment that I had in June the doctor brought up the need for me to get a bone density scan (DEXA scan). This wasn't new to me. Both RE's that I have been to suggested the same thing. This doctor explained it to me a little differently which actually made me go through with getting it.

He told me that they need a base line so that they can compare my bone scans later on in life. Most women go through menopause at the average age of 50. The loss in estrogen which protects the bones can make them lose their density over time.

I set up a scan when I got back from our vacation which was two Monday's ago. It was really simple. Change in to a hospital gown, lay on a table while a machine went up and down over me. Then I had to lay on my side while the machine did it's work again. All in all it took about 5 minutes, they told me it was the easiest scan I would ever have. I wasn't anxious to get the results. It was just a base line test so there wasn't really anything I was planning on finding out about anyway. By now I have become a pro at the waiting game from doctors.

I was in the waiting room longer than it took me to get the scan completed

Tuesday night while I was making dinner, my phone rang. I looked at it and it showed the Endo office's number. Odd I thought, calling after five. I picked up and heard the doctors voice, he stated his name...my heart instantly dropped to my stomach. When a doctor calls you after five you know they aren't calling about good news.

He told me that my results had come back, and that I have bone loss in my spine. My hips are fine. The measurement is based off T-scores. A "normal" 30 year old should be at zero. 30 years old is the optimum age of your bones so that is what they base it off of. From zero to -1.0 you are good. 

He told me that the diagnosis is called Osteopenia. Osteo what? was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I pulled it up on my iPad as he was still explaining things to me. Not that I really heard anything after the first couple sentences. I was in complete shock.

Osteopenia is when the bone mineral density is lower than normal. It is considered by many doctors to be a precursor to Osteoperosis. The score is -1.0 to -2.5. I came in at -1.4.

Suggestions for treatment are to continue taking my calcium and vitamin D supplements. And to get on HRT. I have been staying away from HRT, but figure I should start looking in to it again. I have read so many negative things about it and it scares me to go on it at such a young age. My plan is to get a list of options and look at the pros and cons of each one. Other suggestions are to do strength training to keep my muscles and bones strong. Continue doing yoga as it strengthens the body and mind.

After the phone call I went back to making dinner, trying to get my mind off of it. I decided I would pull myself together and not tell the hubs until after we had time to enjoy our dinner together. For some reason these things always sound good in my head. 

I put on a smile when he came in the door. Kept cooking. I had left the iPad on the bar which is a place that it normally isn't laying. He instantly noticed it and asked what I was looking up. That was all it took...complete waterfalls coming out of my eyes. He really is the best husband and partner for me. Always knows what to say and how to comfort me. Tells me that we will get through this together. I appreciate him for all of those things more than he will ever know.

It has only been two days so I am still trying to comprehend it all. I feel like my list of "things" just keeps adding up when it comes to my health. All of the symptoms and problems that come along with Premature Ovarian Failure. Yipee for me.

I still struggle with the infertility aspect, let alone the health aspects.

All I know is that there has to be a reason for all of this. Something that I may never know the answer to and why it is all happening. All I can do is keep going each day and living my life. 

I hope and pray each day that I am doing the right things when it comes to my health. Still so many things that I feel like a 30 year old shouldn't have to be thinking about...

Loving this quote lately

My heart aches for a baby and it aches for things to go back to normal. I realize that I have a new normal and things will never go back to the way they were. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. Don't we all just wish we could take the good things and not the bad!

Still taking my break as we are quickly going through this summer. It has been nice to not think about all the doctors appointments, reading blogs and researching new things that I can do in order to reverse my diagnosis. 

Just taking it day by day and being thankful for what I DO have.

Coffee Date

We had another infertility support group meeting tonight. I LOVE these meetings with these wonderful ladies that are in my life.

They just get it. Period. They get the struggles, the heartache, the grieving and the loss. It is such a breath of fresh air each time that we get together and meet. We laugh, we cry and just let it all out.

This week we went to a local coffee bar/restaurant that is on our square, Pressroom.

Since we met around dinner time we all ended up eating and just chatting about where we are in our journey's. We also had a new girl that came, I am so glad she did!

I am so grateful to have met these women and to be a part of this group. I know that this is one of the silver linings to my infertility. If I wouldn't have to go through all of this I would have never have met them. 

And for that I am very grateful.

Genetic Study, 6 years and Support

This week has been a crazy busy week! I can't believe that it is already Friday.

I haven't mentioned it yet, but I am part of a genetic study that a Women's Institute is doing out of Pittsburgh. They are doing the study on 1,200 people. It is only on women who suffer from POF, 1% of women in the world have it and there isn't that much research that has been done. There is no cure for it and the only fertility option is donor egg. The study is being done to see if there are any genetic links to what causes it or how someone gets it. There are some autoimmune diseases that they think cause it but once you are tested for that and it is negative, you get an answer of unknown. Which is what I was told.

I had to fill out a consent form and the history of my cycles, then have about a 15 minute phone conversation with one of the case workers. We went over my history and then family members history. After that they sent me 3 tubes for my blood that I was able to have drawn here. All I had to do was go to the doctor, have them draw it and then ship it back to Pittsburgh.

Blood draw for genetic testing

I have always said since my whole journey started that if I can help just one person through this in the future that would make me ecstatic. Although I probably won't see anything from this study that will pertain to me, it should be able to help future generations out and that means a lot to me.

Part of this testing is also that they are able to get my families DNA as well. Most importantly my immediate family, and then any of my aunts, uncles and first cousins. I asked for their help and have had an overwhelming response. I always knew I had an awesome family but this just proved it to me even more!

Tuesday we celebrated our anniversary. We went on our very first date 13 years ago and were married on that same day 6 years ago. It ended up being a great day. We were both working but made time to see each other for lunch and then went out on a romantic date for dinner. I have the most amazing husband, always my rock and my cheerleader. Sometimes I get down about our infertility journey and he is always there to lift me up. I really have been blessed by having him and his family in my life. I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.

Anniversary Dinner at Theo's Steakhouse

I have been part of an Infertility Support group since I found out about my diagnosis. It is a group on Facebook. It is private so the only people in it are people that are struggling with infertility that are in the area I live in. We talk about doctors, ask questions, etc. It has been very helpful. Since last week was National Infertility Awareness Week the administrator asked if we would be interested in having our first ever support group meeting face to face.

I was a little nervous at first. I haven't ever met anyone in the same position as me that is still struggling through it. I have talked to people I know that have been through it, but ended up having children. Just not the same thing as I am experiencing right now in my life. I wasn't going to go at first but then decided it would be good for me, and I am so glad that I did.

There were 4 of us that were there, we met at a local coffee shop that had a door that could be closed so we could talk about whatever we wanted. We were there about two hours and it was such a breath of fresh air. To actually talk to people that understand what I am thinking and going through with doctors. Fighting for your own health. So glad that I got to meet these wonderful ladies and can't wait for our next monthly meeting.

First ever NWA Infertility Support Group

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

Wow, I can't believe that it has been almost a month since I have updated my blog. Life has been kind of crazy and busy lately. Which is a good thing because I haven't had the time to be down and sulk about my situation.

Not a whole lot has changed. I am still doing my daily routine. Taking herbs/supplements in the morning and evening. Still going to Mercier therapy every other week. I am taking a break from acupuncture. We discussed it and I am taking about 6 weeks off to give my body a break (per my acupuncturist). I have missed it. It is so relaxing to me, and each time I would go it would knock me out cold in to a deep sleep.

I got my thyroid results back after being on my medication for 8 weeks and everything has leveled off. Which is a good thing. I was hoping to have been able to lose some weight, no chance. I was reading through a few things about hypothyroidism that says a person that has it has to work 3 times harder than an average person in order to see results. Add full blown menopause on top of that and life is just perfect! That really bothers me, but I am going with the mentality of one day at a time. I do what I can.

I have been in a rut mentally and emotionally the past few weeks. I thought that spring would be a welcoming season for me. Not so much. Nothing like everything being reborn from the winter months to really slap you in the face. Every day on my drive home I see the new baby calves and foals. Just another reminder that everything can reproduce but me. I know in my mind that this is a horrible attitude to have, but some days you just have your moments.

I have been incredibly sad too. Any little thing just sends me in to a flood of tears. This is so odd to me because at the beginning of my journey I was really upset and then once I kept going things seemed to level off. I know it just takes a toll. I am approaching a year on my natural path and haven't seen any results at all from it. Not even one drop (pun intended!). That bothers me...A LOT! At the beginning, I read success story after success story which really boosted my confidence. I know my chances are slim. I get that. If I was a betting woman I wouldn't bet on something that had a 5% chance.

I see pregnancy announcements, gender reveal parties, baby showers and new babies being born all the time. And I want that so bad. My peers are all having children. These ARE my child bearing days. This is what my body is supposed to do and it isn't.

But, then there is faith and there is hope. So thankful that I have both of them. Always there for me to lean on.

I have always compared infertility to the stages of grieving (I need to do a post on that later). And it could not be more true. The only thing is that you are grieving something that you have never had. Just a small glimpse of what we could have. I have never wanted anything so bad in my entire life. I struggle with the why all the time too. Why is someone that is addicted to drugs able to have children and I am not? I don't think that I will ever have an answer to that question. I know that I have to be patient and believe...but it is still so hard. The thing about grieving infertility though is that it keeps going. I don't know that I will ever have closure on it.

I was flipping through the channels the other day and Cinderella was on. Funny how when you are a kid you memorize all the songs to Disney movies, but I never thought about the words until I heard them that day. I feel like I was meant to hear that at that moment. And it couldn't be more true...

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

I have been reading this each day, as a reminder that I just need to keep on believing and my wish will come true!

Infertility Study Complete and Thyroid Labs

I finished my infertility study that I was a part of. I was worried that I wouldn't have enough to talk about for the hour and a half sessions, but I was wrong. It really is crazy, a lot of times I feel like I haven't done that much or could be doing more with my diagnosis. But, when I look back in my book and on my blog I have really accomplished a lot. Granted I haven't achieved the end result I am looking for.

The first session was a "get to know me" part. What is my diagnosis? What does it mean? What have I done in terms of treatment, etc? That was the easy part. 

The second session was more about the emotional part of infertility. I speak to my husband and family members and friends about my infertility. I have always been very open about it, it is not something I am ashamed of because I now know that it is not my fault. I struggled with that statement a lot in the beginning. Was there something I could of done? What if I wouldn't have taken birth control for so long? But, that wasn't going to get me anywhere. I am a fixer by nature, when you have a problem, you fix it.  It is what it is and there is truly nothing I can do to change it. There were definitely some deep questions. And it took me back to a place that I haven't visited in awhile. I got choked up a couple of times. Not being able to have a child and grief go hand in hand for me. I have mostly happy days now, but somehow the grief part of it has a sneaky way of coming up on me. 

The third session was just a recap of  what we talked about the first two sessions. One of the questions that she asked me was "How does infertility define you?" That is not something that I have ever thought about so it was a hard question for me to answer. I wish I could say that I haven't let it define me or that it doesn't define me but that isn't true. It has changed the person that I am today. I have a lot thicker shell than I used to. I am a lot more sensitive to things than I used to be. It is constantly on my mind. I just know in my mind that all of this is for something else. Just have to be patient and see what that is. I know in my heart that one day we will be parents.

All in all I am really glad I did the study. It taught me a lot about myself and helped me get some emotions out that I wouldn't normally talk about.

I had my normal acupuncture appointment a couple of weeks ago. She suggested that I take the Barnes Thyroid Test again to see if any of my temperatures had changed. My average came back at 97.4 and it is supposed to be over 97.8 so I am still a little low.

I also went today and had my blood drawn for my follow up labs at my thyroid doctor. Hopefully, the medication that I have been on will have helped some. If not, we will just keep increasing the dosage until I get to the right amount.

I saw this quote the other day and I love it. I kind of have a thing for quotes :) Sometimes they are what gets me through the day!

The Big Three O and 1 Year

I turned 30 this past Friday. If you know me, I have been dreading this day for sometime. You see I always thought I would have a nice little happy family by the time that I was 30, doesn't every little girl dream about that? Good job, house, married and with children. I have 3 out of 4, just waiting on that last one.

My body apparently heard me talking about not wanting to have a birthday because I caught a horrible case of the stomach virus. So glad that is over with and that I am now on the mend.

Today marks one year since my diagnosis of POF. CRAZY..I can't believe it has already been a year.

I will never forget that day. Getting a phone call, going back to the doctor with Benji and then sitting in the car both of us crying, not knowing what to say. Calling my mom and sister and going to my sisters house and crying my eyes out to them. So thankful to have both of my families close.

Some days it feels like it has gone by slower than a snail but other days it seems like it flew by. I have learned so much about myself in the past year. With the bad always comes good. As I have mentioned before, I am a very organized person and LOVE lists. So, I thought I would make a list of the observations/things I have learned so far in my journey.

• I still wake up every morning thinking this is all just a nightmare and that it isn't true - not sure that this fact will ever change

• I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was - tell me I can't do something and one day I WILL prove you wrong

• My marriage has only grown stronger from all of this and for that I am thankful - it has always been strong from the beginning. We go together like two peas in a pod. But, until you have something that can alter that, you don't realize what you really have. I have said it many times but my husband is my rock and has been so amazing through our infertility journey. He makes sure to always use "us" even when I mostly feel like it is me. He is so understanding and loving with his words, always finds a way to make me smile. I truly am nothing without him.

• I have cried more in one year than I have the other 29 years of my life

• I have met many new people in the past year due to infertility and our similarities. So thankful to have met these sweet girls, even if some of them have only been through the internet. Something about someone knowing exactly what you are going through makes things much easier.

• I have created/found an amazing support group to get my body back to its optimal health - doctors, acupuncturist, chiropractor, massage therapist (with that one I even got a true friend out of the deal - love you Ms Karen!)

• I have an amazing support system, friends and family both. Even though they may not always know what to say to me they are there for me and support me and that means more than anything to me.

• I have become more sensitive to people in general. Never again will I ever ask anyone I meet - "When are you having kids?" That is such a loaded question and really puts someone who is struggling through infertility in an awkward/emotional position. 

• I have found out that in today's world with medicine you have to do what is right for you, even though someone tells you something that they say is your only option you don't have to listen to them. Take time to think through all your options so that you can make the best one.

• I am thankful that I am not $20,000 - $40,000 in debt from infertility treatments

• Life isn't fair

• Time really does heal all wounds - I am a lot tougher than I was a year ago at this time, I cry a lot less frequently. The pain is still there but it seems easier to cope with.

I saw this quote online today and thought it was so fitting. I love it!

Good Days and Bad Days

I have many more good days than bad.  But when I have a bad one it just hits me like a ton of bricks.

I have been continuing with my herbs/supplements, bi weekly acupuncture, weekly Merciér therapy, castor oil packs, fertility tea and vaginal steams.  The only thing that I have changed is I stopped drinking my wheat grass each morning. It was the worst part of my regimen and I was just over it.

We have been very busy with the holidays.  Which leaves not a lot of time to think...just going from one place to another.  It has been a nice break from the day to day routine.

This whole infertility thing is not easy.  Especially around the holidays.  Just another reminder that we don't have children.  I would love to wake up Christmas morning and be able to see the joy of a child first thing. Kids just make things more fun. I feel like I have a hole in my heart, like I need to grieve something but can't really do it because it is such an unknown.  Sometimes I feel like I am just stuck.  I know this too shall pass and I just have to be patient, but that isn't always easy to do.

Yesterday we went to the Razorback basketball game.  As we were driving home there is a huge sign that shows the number of births that a local hospital system has for the year. Since it is the end of the year the number was very large. This didn't seem to bother me at first. Once we got home I couldn't stop thinking about it. It just consumed my mind. It was a HUGE number and I have doctors telling me I can't be a part of it.  It is just not fair.  

On top of that, my whole weight thing really hit me last night.  My clothes have been tighter and everything I do (diet and exercise), nothing seems to change that. I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. And when I do it is like I don't even recognize the person I look like anymore. Now I know logically speaking this probably has to do with my thyroid from the tests I finished taking, but it still makes me feel like it is just another thing wrong with me which isn't easy to take in either.

I ended up in our bedroom crying my eyes out.  Sometimes I just have to let it all out.  I always feel so much better after that.  

I have said this before and I would say it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My husband is amazing. He always comes to my side to comfort me and to make it all better. I would be completely lost without him. Even though I am sure he thinks I am crazy sometimes - I just cry out of the blue for no reason at times! He never even flinches to be right by my side. I am so blessed to have him in this journey with me.

I found this quote online and I just love it!

Time to Reflect

I decided to write this blog to document our lives through our struggle with infertility, specifically Premature Ovarian Failure.  I also thought it would be a good way to keep our family and friends updated with everything that is going on. Another reason I am writing this blog is so that I can show our future kids our journey.  The final reason and most important is that even if I can help one person through their struggle it will be worth it.  Infertility can be a very lonely world sometimes.  People don't like to talk about it.  My hope is that more people will take the natural approach as well.

The past couple of weeks I have been updating everything that has happened so far on our journey.

I haven't written much of my own personal thoughts, so here goes:

When I first received my diagnosis I was so upset.  I know that I am meant to be a mother.  I have always thought that for as long as I can remember.  I come from two very large families and I want that life.  I also married in to a wonderful family.  My husbands immediate family lives here but the rest of his family lives in Germany and we have visited twice and they are so welcoming to me even with the language barrier.

I have the best husband.  I have always known this, but the battle of infertility has made our marriage even stronger.  He has a heart of gold and would do anything and everything for me.  Through all of this he has been my rock.  He is my cheerleader and tells me what a great job I am doing and what I am sacrificing for our family. I am so thankful for him.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason, I am not sure what the reason for this is but if I look at the bigger picture I know that this too shall pass.

I believe that attitude is EVERYTHING.  You get a clean slate when you wake up each morning and it is your choice on how to live that day.  I choose to live my life positively.  Now, there are some days that aren't that easy.  Especially when everyone you see is pregnant (I swear once you are told that you can't have kids everyone is pregnant)!  It is also not easy to see everyone your age announcing their pregnancies and pictures of their kids but that is life.  Life isn't always fair.

(I have been living by this quote lately)