Patience

We had our in-home consultation back in September. Everything went well. She mostly asked us questions about the paperwork that we had already filled out and then some additional things. She gave us some more forms that had to be filled out as well. When I scanned everything back to her it was around 100 pages.

We received our acceptance letter through the state for our training. You have to be approved in order to start it. Once they have enough people to make up a class, we will begin that, not sure when that will be. More patience.

We are very excited for the next steps and to be able to get placement as soon as possible. This has been something that we have been longing for, for a long time.

As we approach the holiday season it makes me so sad. Another set of holiday's without a child. I have never wanted something so bad in my whole life. I had a little breakdown last night. It all comes on so fast. I have so much sadness and hope in my heart. I'm normally busy and dealing with the day to day of life...and then you just remember. Those words that forever changed our lives. 'You will never be able to have children' Infertility is definitely a greaving process and hits you when you least expect it. I still don't know how we are almost 3 years in to this. I look back at that and feel like we have come a long way but then we aren't where we thought we would be either.

It is so hard being patient throughout this process. Especially when everyone around you has what you want. I never imagined myself being 31 years old and not having children yet. Yes, children. I've always wanted at least 2 kids. Then, when you go through something like this and the process is so long, you have to think about living life with one child. What if we get one and it takes this long to get another one? I know I should be patient and focus on the now. But, it's hard not to have hopes and imagine your future. 

I saw this picture online this week and it is so real and true in this season we are in. 

I will never understand it. Why should it cost so much to adopt a child and so less to get rid of one?! It makes my heart sad. Life just isn't fair. I know so many people that I have met through my journey that would do anything for a child. And I would do the same. Somethings I'll just never understand...

Our Adoption Journey

We have been going through our adoption journey since this past October. I can't believe that it has already been a year, in some ways it has gone by so fast and others it is slower than molasses. We are still hopeful that by word of mouth we will get a match. Since it has been so slow we decided to take the next step in July and we signed up through the state for the foster to adopt program. In the state of Arkansas they don't have just straight adoption. You get placement through foster care and you have to have the child for 6 months before you are able to adopt.

We received our packet of paperwork in the mail after filling out an online application

More paperwork. We have become pros at filling it all out. We had previously done it privately through a case worker. Of course none of  the private translates to what has to be filled out for the state so we are starting from square one again.

When I talked to the Little Rock office she told me that from the time you turn your paperwork in it takes approximately 6 - 9 months for placement.

We filled everything out and mailed our packet in mid-July.

All the pamphlets and paperwork 

We went on vacation and had family in town, so the time passed pretty quickly. I followed back up with them again and they had sent everything off for our background checks.

When I spoke with the lady in Little Rock she told me that she wanted me to understand the ultimate goal of the state is to reunite children with their biological parents. I asked her what our odds were and she said 70% go back to their bio parents and only 30% get adopted. Not the greatest odds for us, but we'll take it. Whatever it takes for us to finally become parents.

We have now been assigned a case worker that is local. Our appointment for our fingerprints will be next week. And our in home consultation will be this Friday. We are hopeful that this will finally work out for us and we can reach our ultimate goal of becoming parents.

This quote is really ringing true for me lately. Adoption is the hardest thing that I have ever been through. That and infertility. The waiting process is hard, although we have been trying to adopt for the last year, it has been in our hearts to be parents since we very first met. Even as a child I always dreamed of being a mom. I am hoping this is getting us closer to our end goal and can't wait for that very special day. I do believe that we will soon be truly blessed!

HRT and Cycles

Wow, I can't believe the summer is almost over and it's been April since I last wrote a blog post. Way too long!

Back in March I got my first cycle, after having nothing since being diagnosed, this was a huge hope for us. I had some normal cycles (28 to 30 days) and then in May/June ended up having a menstrual cycle for 21 out of 30 days, yikes! After talking to my doctor he decided to take me off my bioidentical HRT to see what happened with my cycles after not taking the medication. They thought that I was possibly in remission from POF. Music to my ears.

I started HRT back in October, nothing happened until March...5 months. Based on that information they didn't think it was the HRT causing the cycles. The one thing about POF is that you can go in to remission. The doctor was hopeful that is what happened, my ovaries decided to wake back up and work. The only thing they warned me of is that we don't know for how long or if anything will work while it is happening. With this disease there are a lot of questions and a lot of unknowns. At the beginning I struggled with this a lot. I like to know what is going to happen, I am a planner and an organizer. There was a little sliver of hope that something might happen. There have been cases that women who are in remission have a mature egg that drops and pregnancy happens.

After quitting the pills in June, nothing came in July...nothing came in August. Failed pregnancy test and I was back to the doctor. We chatted about what it all meant, again so many unknowns. All I want is an answer. I had my blood work redone to test my hormones. They all came back the worst they have ever been...Blah!

	April 2015	August 2015
Estradiol	35.2 pg/mL	17.5 pg/mL
Progesterone	3.2 ng/mL	.9 ng/mL
FSH	58.4 mIu/mL	127.1 mIu/mL
LH	22.2 mlu/mL	47.5 mIu/mL

Estradiol goal is 50, Progesterone goal is 10, FSH is supposed to be under 10 and LH is supposed to be less than 7 in order to reach pregnancy. Definitely not where I wanted to be. But, it is out of my control. I understand that but it still doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

So, I went back on HRT starting in August.

Where There Is Hope...

I found this quote and it is so true for me this week...

Through our entire journey I have tried to never give up hope. That is the one thing about it, always something to hold on to. When we decided to start our adoption journey after struggling through our infertility journey we had to lay some things to rest. 

Things that most people our age don't have to do. Infertility is such a grieving process. I don't think you truly know unless you have gone through it. You have to grieve a baby you may never have. Just like a death. Except you have to say goodbye to someone that you never even got a chance to meet. Which may sound crazy to most people, but it is the truth. And it is so sad, you never know when the end of the road is. There is always that little glimmer of hope that you just can't give up on.

When you are growing up you picture what your family will look like when you are grown. That your children will look like part of you and part of your husband. You hear it all the time; he/she looks so much like you. That is one of the many things that infertility strips from you. That we may never have someone say that to us about our future children.

This Monday was a HUGE day. After 2 years and 10 months of nothing, no signs whatsoever of my fertile years. I got my cycle back. So many emotions have been involved. I cried, was in disbelief, complete and udder shock. 

I have had two reproductive endocrinologists and two OBGYN's tell me that this will never happen. That I would never get my cycle back because I am in full blow menopause. We have tried everything for almost two years. Countless herbs, supplements, fertility tea, castor oil packs, drinking the nastiest tasting thing I have ever had; wheat grass! And all in one day, everything changed. Just like that. 

I don't know what made it happen, will probably never know. But, I do know that after all of our hard work; it feels like it has finally paid off. 

I am still getting my massages and I feel like that has a lot to do with it. When I called my massage therapist to tell her the news I had tears in my eyes. She was so thrilled for me as well. And has stood behind me every step of the way. Always going the extra mile to help me out and to help me get answers. I am so indebted to her for being my cheerleader. I know that God puts people in your life for a reason and I truly believe she was put in mine for a reason.

One of the things that I have researched that if I ever did get my cycle back was to get cycle day 3 (CD3) testing. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and had that done. Very hopeful for good results. All of my numbers have improved, greatly from what they have ever been before. My FSH which is one of the big factors, the number has always been off the charts. 114, 104 and 94, my CD3 test came back as 58. That is by far the lowest I have ever seen in my results. I wasn't very happy about it at first because it is not what it is supposed to be. It has to be under 10 for a chance of pregnancy. And I feel like I am a long way from that. But, if I look at it as glass half full, it has gone down substantially.

While talking to my sister on the phone that day she told me to celebrate my victories, no matter what they are. I love her and the support she gives me each and every day.

While sitting at dinner on Thursday night after the roller coaster of emotions from the beginning of the week, Benji and I were talking about it. I was being hard on myself and feeling not so happy about the results because they are not what they are "supposed" to be. He is another person that I am so grateful for. He is here for me in the day in and day out of it. And never waivers, always giving me the boost I need. Telling me how proud he was of me and how far I have come, it brought me to tears.

This is a HUGE victory for me. And for that I am thankful. 

Where there is hope, there is faith. Where there is faith, miracles happen. 

So now I get to count my cycle days, something that I have never been able to do since I have been diagnosed. And to still have hope for our little miracle.

I don't know what next month will bring, if it will come back or be non existent again. But I am choosing to be grateful for our victory.

Two Strikes and Approval

We received a phone call around Thanksgiving from our lawyer. She had a potential birth mom for us and said that all of our packet was given to her and that she was going to make her decision by Christmas. Ahhhhh! That made adopting so real to us. Not that it wasn't before but we were just going through all the steps and busy in the process of paperwork and interviews. It is hard when you get news like that to keep it in but we decided we would as to not get anyone's hopes up. Benji and I would talk about it...so many emotions came with it. Happiness, excitement, counting the amount of weeks that she is pregnant as to when the due date would be, etc. By Christmas we hadn't heard anything. We are both pretty patient people and we didn't want to push it. Just figured if and when she decided, or chose us that we could be excited then. 

Needless to say we didn't get chosen. Talk about a punch in the gut. Not only are we not able to have children but the approval part of adoption just plain sucks. You second guess yourself. What didn't she like about us? Why didn't she choose us? After the initial shock and tears wore off we understand that it is not about us. It is about the birth mom's decision. And I am sure that is not an easy decision to make at all.

About a month after Christmas I had someone reach out to me that knew someone that knew someone. I called my lawyer as I wasn't sure how all of that worked out. She said just get the name and number and give it to me and I will be able to ask all the legal questions. Again, the same emotions. The girl that I know was telling me what she knew about the girl. That she was 22 weeks along. Calculations in my head...when will the birthday be, what day will we finally become parents. 

Another dead end. The girl would never give her name and number. 

Some days I wallow in my tears and some days it is not so bad. Some days I get tired of holding my head up high and some days it is just another day.

My infertility journey has been two years long. Part of me hates that I went to the doctor around my birthday that year. Not that I ever thought anything would be wrong or I would get the news that I did. Part of that makes me not like celebrating my birthday because it is a reminder to me of another year without a baby. Without a family. Without the happiness that a child brings to a home. 

We are still hoping and praying every day that we get good news. Every time my phone rings and it is a number I don't know. Every day when I wake up, wondering if today will be the day. We really hope it comes soon but also know that it will happen when it is supposed to. 

In other news, we got the approval from our home study. We never thought that we wouldn't get approved but you just never know. It is good to have that paperwork in our hands and know that nothing is standing in the way of our dream to become parents.

Hooray! Our Adoption home study approval paperwork.

Living in the Moment and Courage

It has been really quiet since we finished our individual interviews for our home study. Part of it is due to the holiday's and part of it is due to the way things work in this process.

Benji's individual interview went great. We have run in to some road blocks while filling out the medical portion of our packets. Long story short...we both go to a walk-in clinic when we are sick which is not that often. They aren't willing to sign the paperwork since they aren't our "primary" caregiver. So, after getting all my medical records and some communicable diseases blood work run I was able to get mine finally signed off on. Benji is working on his and once we turn that in we will be approved. Yay!

We have been trying to live in the moment the past couple of months. Just living life day to day. We have also started making plans for this next year and not putting our life on hold. If I just let it be I know it will happen. All of this can be so overwhelming at times most of the time. To think in an instant, our lives could will change. And we can have what we have been longing for. 

When you are young you think you know everything. That what is happening to you is the worst that it can get. I remember things from when I was a young adult/teenager that were so important then and they mean absolutely nothing now. It is crazy how things can change. I think back a lot on just a couple of years ago. We sold our starter home and had found our dream house. It ended up taking us 6 months to get it. That seemed like such a long time to me then. And now that I look back on it, it was such a short amount of time. I suppose that will be how this works out as well. Waiting two years, so far, to have a baby. To complete our family. 

All it will be is one phone call. That will change that long amount of time that we have been waiting to nothing. All of those feelings will just dissipate. It is exciting, scary, overwhelming, emotional and crazy! To think that we could be parents in just a short amount of time.

Even since we have started our adoption journey, some days it seems like we just started it and some days it feels like it has been the longest three months.

Not knowing what to expect, not knowing when that day will come. It is hard. Especially for both of us, we are very much planners/organizers. Which is even more reason for us to live in the moment. I like that things have slowed down a bit due to the holiday's to really make us see that too.  

I got this sign from my mom for Christmas, I picked it out at the local craft fair this fall. I completely forgot about it, love little surprises like that in life! And the saying is oh so true.

We have had a great past couple of weeks. We got to celebrate Christmas three times with the ones we love. We are so grateful for all of our family and all of the support we have received thus far. 

Thank You!

Wow!

Since I shared our blog publicly last week, I have been saying that word a lot, wow...

We decided to share our decision to adopt so that we could spread the word. Our adoption counselor told us that if we were going to do "word of mouth" adoption that the more people that knew about it the better. She instructed us to tell everyone that we knew, for them to tell everyone they know, and so on.

We have been sharing our news for the past month with our families and close friends.

Putting that decision out there for the world to see was a little scary. Not knowing how people would judge us. From the beginning of our journey I have never wanted to give up on our ability to have a child. Part of sharing meant that I could possibly get judgement, that we had given up. Which I never want anyone to think. We will not ever give up on this.

Boy, was I wrong.

I cried most of the day Monday as I read the things that people wrote about us as they shared our story on social media.

Everyday people thinking that we would be great parents. People that I haven't talked to in years, or seen since graduating high school. People that didn't have to say anything, or share it for that matter.

We are so humbled and grateful for all of the people that have shared our story. Or talked to their friends and family about us. Just spreading the word.

We know that this brings us that much closer to having our family complete, something that we have been waiting for, for a long time.

For that we are so indebted to all of you. I feel as if "thank you" is certainly not enough.

We thank you from the bottom of our hearts! And are so grateful for each and every one of you.

Update from Infertility Study

I received the final dissertation from my infertility study that I was a part of this past spring.

I forgot all the raw emotions that I had while doing this. As I have been reading through the dissertation I am so thankful that I was a part of it.

Even though it doesn't seem like much has changed, I have grown so much since doing those interviews.

I was still very bitter and scared of the unknown that is infertility.

Now I am at a much happier place in my journey and have discovered many things about myself. My self worth is much more positive and I now know that there is absolutely nothing that I could have done that would have made this not happen to me.

That in itself gives me such peace of mind.

The purpose of the dissertation is to give the public, as well as doctor's a better view of what it is like to live the life of an infertile woman and an infertile couple.

All people that were interviewed were kept anonymous. My pseudo name was "Natalie" for those that are interested in reading through it.

Dissertation Publication - Infertility Study

Our Next Step

We have been taking a break from everything to do with infertility. Just taking the time to be a couple without the stress of everything. This is easier said than done though, especially with me. I take supplements in the morning and at night, as well as my thyroid medication and HRT. This is an everyday reminder to me of what I have.

Ever since being diagnosed we have fought with everything we have to be able to reverse this nasty disease. However, during the course of the last two years we have chatted about adoption a time or two. Always saying that we would come back to it when and if we are ready. 

When we were on our vacation in July at the beach we had a date night. That night after we got back to the condo we walked down to the beach and sat in some chairs and just talked. Talked about where we have been in regards to being childless, what we are currently doing and what the future looked like for both of us. We both know that we do not want to live our lives without kids. So, after about an hour we decided that we wanted to look in to adoption and see what it was all about, since neither of us know much about it, just the normal things you hear from people. The high cost of it and the long waits for child placement.

After arriving back home to our normal everyday routines, I had been looking online through the state's website. You can sign up through there and submit your application online. That starts the process, then you go through a home study, about 30 hours of classes as a couple and then you are open to get children. 

I wanted so badly to fill out the application and submit it, we were ready for the next step. All that was standing between us was that one little submit button. Before hitting it, we talked about it again and decided we just weren't ready. One thing about marriage is that there is an ebb and flow, you have to compromise, be on the same page. Especially about life altering decisions. So we waited. And thought more and more about it.

One thing that infertility will teach you is to be patient. And I have a feeling through the adoption process we will be learning more and more about patience.

We were sitting out on our deck one night, just chatting about life. And I brought up the whole adoption discussion again. We talked about the things that we are both scared of. We talked about the joy that it will bring us. 

I do believe the two additional months that we both waited and reflected made us even more ready for our journey ahead. 

Since then I had been reading a lot about the differences in state adoption and private adoption. State adoption you normally get older kids, you do have a chance of younger but not a big one. With private you are able to get an infant. 

That saying that "everything happens for a reason" is so true, especially in this case. I think that we would have rushed the thought and actions the two months prior so I am so glad we waited. 

That brings me to where we are today. We are going to adopt, preferably an infant, a child that we can raise with our own morals and values. A child that we can show them the value of family, growing up with the two great families that we are blessed to be a part of.

We are so excited about our future and what the coming months will hold for us. We are happy to announce that we have officially begun our journey to adopt!

Inspiration Boards

I have had this idea in my head for awhile. Ever since I started blogging I have really tuned in to different quotes that I LOVE.

I went to Hobby Lobby and was able to get some accessories and make my idea turn in to our bathroom wall decoration.

This is the view looking down the wall

First board

2nd board

3rd board

View from the other end

Love being able to see all of these quotes each morning. They help me keep things in perspective and start my day off right. I read most of them while I am drying may hair each day.

I truly believe that seeing is believing, so this helps me with that aspect of my infertility. And makes me keep my hope alive.

Back to School

We have been on our journey through infertility now for a year and a half. The beginning was definitely the most emotional for me. Trying to get through all the information and understanding one sentence that will forever change two people's lives.

Once we digested the initial shock we went in to battle mode. How are we going to beat this? Researching, researching, researching. Looking for success stories to boost our confidence and trying to beat the odds that are stacked very high against us.

Two infertility clinics later we knew that the way for us to go was a more natural path. Our odds according to those doctors weren't very good so we didn't have much to lose.

I have been completely focused on that for the past year, a year and two and a half months to be exact. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that long but sometimes if feels like an eternity.

Things have started to slow down for us. I have taken herbs and supplements for longer than I have planned, I tried acupuncture. Got the right medication to get my thyroid on track. Doing my Mercier Therapy to get rid of my scar tissue and get everything flowing and moving correctly.

When we began the natural journey I was sure that it was going to work, isn't that how things always are at the beginning?! I still have hope, my light is just a little dimmer than it was at the beginning. I will never give up on this, for as long as I live. I will continue to research and find new things that are working for people and happening in the infertility world. But, sometimes one can only take so many hits before it starts getting to them.

This past Sunday I was scrolling through Facebook. I started noticing all of the back to school posts about people getting all of their child's things together for their very first day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, junior high...etc.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these people are my age. Friends, people I went to school with, family. Everyone but me is getting ready to send their kids back to school.

Not me.

It is crazy how the world of social media can sometimes make you feel inadequate or lonely. When it should be the complete opposite of that.

I decided last Sunday to take a break. From all of it. No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all of the back to school posts that were to come the very next morning. I cried myself to work every day this week and every day on the way home. Passing school busses, school zones, kids walking down the sidewalk.

This week was one of the hardest weeks of my infertility journey. I think last year at this time I was so focused on me and the journey I was on and the newness of figuring out what to do and what the next thing would be to get me pregnant. That I didn't have time to see it or get down about it.

Not this year.

It has been kind of nice to be disconnected from the world for the past 6 days. Just me and my thoughts. Not comparing myself to others, not seeing birth announcements, not seeing the daily reminder that I don't have kids and am clearly not pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE these things. I love children. I love my family and I love my friends and all of their kids. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to see pictures of my friends and family that are far away that I don't get to see all the time, and keeping up with them and what they are doing.

Life just sucks sometimes and this is one of those times. Life is not fair. That is one lesson that I have learned the hard way.

I am glad I have had this week to reflect. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is my motto lately.

Just being real and writing out my thoughts so that when I do have my baby I can look back and see the journey it took and to be so thankful for the things I do have in life.

Loving this quote lately and it is so true!

Biggest Group Yet!

We had another infertility support group meeting tonight. It was our biggest group yet, 8 people! It is such a blessing to have this support at this time in my life.

Great night at The Pressroom

They get what I am going through and always know the right things to say. I always look forward to our meetings and can't wait for the next one!

Osteo What?!

At my Endo appointment that I had in June the doctor brought up the need for me to get a bone density scan (DEXA scan). This wasn't new to me. Both RE's that I have been to suggested the same thing. This doctor explained it to me a little differently which actually made me go through with getting it.

He told me that they need a base line so that they can compare my bone scans later on in life. Most women go through menopause at the average age of 50. The loss in estrogen which protects the bones can make them lose their density over time.

I set up a scan when I got back from our vacation which was two Monday's ago. It was really simple. Change in to a hospital gown, lay on a table while a machine went up and down over me. Then I had to lay on my side while the machine did it's work again. All in all it took about 5 minutes, they told me it was the easiest scan I would ever have. I wasn't anxious to get the results. It was just a base line test so there wasn't really anything I was planning on finding out about anyway. By now I have become a pro at the waiting game from doctors.

I was in the waiting room longer than it took me to get the scan completed

Tuesday night while I was making dinner, my phone rang. I looked at it and it showed the Endo office's number. Odd I thought, calling after five. I picked up and heard the doctors voice, he stated his name...my heart instantly dropped to my stomach. When a doctor calls you after five you know they aren't calling about good news.

He told me that my results had come back, and that I have bone loss in my spine. My hips are fine. The measurement is based off T-scores. A "normal" 30 year old should be at zero. 30 years old is the optimum age of your bones so that is what they base it off of. From zero to -1.0 you are good. 

He told me that the diagnosis is called Osteopenia. Osteo what? was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I pulled it up on my iPad as he was still explaining things to me. Not that I really heard anything after the first couple sentences. I was in complete shock.

Osteopenia is when the bone mineral density is lower than normal. It is considered by many doctors to be a precursor to Osteoperosis. The score is -1.0 to -2.5. I came in at -1.4.

Suggestions for treatment are to continue taking my calcium and vitamin D supplements. And to get on HRT. I have been staying away from HRT, but figure I should start looking in to it again. I have read so many negative things about it and it scares me to go on it at such a young age. My plan is to get a list of options and look at the pros and cons of each one. Other suggestions are to do strength training to keep my muscles and bones strong. Continue doing yoga as it strengthens the body and mind.

After the phone call I went back to making dinner, trying to get my mind off of it. I decided I would pull myself together and not tell the hubs until after we had time to enjoy our dinner together. For some reason these things always sound good in my head. 

I put on a smile when he came in the door. Kept cooking. I had left the iPad on the bar which is a place that it normally isn't laying. He instantly noticed it and asked what I was looking up. That was all it took...complete waterfalls coming out of my eyes. He really is the best husband and partner for me. Always knows what to say and how to comfort me. Tells me that we will get through this together. I appreciate him for all of those things more than he will ever know.

It has only been two days so I am still trying to comprehend it all. I feel like my list of "things" just keeps adding up when it comes to my health. All of the symptoms and problems that come along with Premature Ovarian Failure. Yipee for me.

I still struggle with the infertility aspect, let alone the health aspects.

All I know is that there has to be a reason for all of this. Something that I may never know the answer to and why it is all happening. All I can do is keep going each day and living my life. 

I hope and pray each day that I am doing the right things when it comes to my health. Still so many things that I feel like a 30 year old shouldn't have to be thinking about...

Loving this quote lately

My heart aches for a baby and it aches for things to go back to normal. I realize that I have a new normal and things will never go back to the way they were. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. Don't we all just wish we could take the good things and not the bad!

Still taking my break as we are quickly going through this summer. It has been nice to not think about all the doctors appointments, reading blogs and researching new things that I can do in order to reverse my diagnosis. 

Just taking it day by day and being thankful for what I DO have.

Endo Appointment and What Next?

I went to my long awaited endocrinology appointment today. When I originally called back in April, they told me it was a 2.5 month wait. I swear sometimes nothing can be easy. If there is anything I have learned through this journey, it is patience.

I had been researching and reading about the pituitary gland. It interested me because there are 6 hormones that are secreted from it. Three of them that I had previously tested and had issues with.

• Human Growth Hormone (HGH) - I don't have any signs or symptoms of this
• Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) - I was diagnosed in January with hypothyroidism
• Andrenocorticotropic Hormone (ACTH) - the reproductive endo in Little Rock had checked these levels and they came back in range
• Prolactin (PRL) - I don't have any signs or symptoms of this - my blood test levels came back normal on this when tested
• Luteinizing Hormone (LH) - all of my test results from this have been high
• Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) - all of my test results from this have been high (this is how I was originally diagnosed with POF as well)

We began the appointment by going through my pages of test results. I have a one inch binder that I carry around with me to all my appointments. It has all of my medical records, research and inspiration in it. I am sure all of the doctors think I am crazy! 

The doctor was very nice, he explained everything to me. I like this and I like being able to understand what everything means. 

He read through my original thyroid results and noticed that each thing that was tested showed in range. I had never looked at it when I first got it. My thyroid doctor told me that my levels were mildly under active so I went with that. I think this whole time I have wanted something to blame my infertility on. And this was just one piece to blame. It was like a dagger to my heart to hear that there is probably nothing wrong with my thyroid. I know that may sound extremely weird to someone, but when you are told you have a problem, you want to fix it. You want to have a reason. Frustrating doesn't even begin to explain it. Now I am to the point that I don't know who to trust. What doctor is telling me the truth? 

After that blow, he went through my other hormone levels that were off. Since my LH and FSH have always been so high he said that means my pituitary is working on overdrive. So, there is no need to test it or look in to it any further. If there was something wrong with it the number would be low. They are the opposite. Since my ovaries aren't responding they just keep secreting the hormones, causing the levels to elevate. 

I usually do pretty good in my appointments now a days. But, once someone starts giving me sympathy it makes me so emotional. I of course started crying, then once I get worked up about it I usually can't stop. Nothing like a little awkwardness! 

He also did a physical exam, checked my reflexes, eyes, throat, thyroid, lungs, etc.

He explained just as the other doctors have that most of the time with my diagnosis there just isn't a cause for the disease. It makes me feel so helpless. I have tried everything that I know to do. 

For a year and a half. In the grand scheme of things that doesn't seem like that long. But when you are living it every single day it seems like an eternity. I have never wanted something so bad in my entire life. 

In my head this was the last thing that I had to get checked out and I was just sure that was it. Each doctor I go to, I am just sure they can give me a reason. 

I think the time has come that I just accept that I may never know the reason. 

That isn't easy for me to say. That doesn't mean I will ever give up on it or myself. Or my future family. I will fight this until the day I die. I may not know why now, but I know that everything happens for a reason. And maybe I just can't see the big picture right now. 

We have a busy couple of months coming up. I plan to spend that time taking a break from all of the research/medical records. Constantly asking why...I just need to let myself breathe and relax. Take time for me and take time for us as a couple. Slow down and enjoy family and life in general. I feel like once we have the time to do that we will know what the next step will be in our journey.

I will always lean on hope and know that this will only make me stronger.

I found these two quotes and I absolutely love them.

Vivid Dreams

The past two nights I have had very vivid dreams. They have both been the same exact thing, it has freaked me out enough that I don't even want to go to sleep anymore.

It all begins that we find out we are pregnant, we get the honor of telling both of our families who are all ecstatic because we have been waiting for this for such a long time. Then we go through each month chronicling the growth of my belly. And preparing the nursery. Living our lives in pure bliss and joy. 9 months go by quickly and we are in the hospital having our precious baby that we have dreamed about. We cry with such happy emotion, all while our family and friends are around. Then I wake up.

Two nights in a row. The exact same thing. You know when you have a dream and feel like it is real? That is how I have been waking up. And then I realize it isn't true and my heart just breaks all over again.

I don't know why I am having these dreams, but I am sure there has to be a reason for it. I haven't had the time to dwell on our infertility lately. We have been busy, it is just a busy time in our lives. For this I have been thankful, not that I am not dealing with it but that it gets pushed to the back of my heart and mind.

Maybe these dreams are a way of pulling me back to reality to deal with it. The problem is I don't know how to do it. I feel like we are stuck. I have tried numerous things, researched many hours. I don't have good chances scientifically. I know that...I get that. But, it doesn't make it any easier. Then I read stories about women with the same thing and they spontaneously get pregnant. And it gives me such hope.

One thing I do know, whatever happens, I will never give up on this. I owe that to myself, my husband and our families.

RESOLVE to Know More

This week is National Infertiliy Awareness Week (NIAW). NIAW is celebrating 25 years this year. What a great group/organization to get the word out there and to be the main source for support groups and resources. I am doing the Bloggers Unite Challenge to bring awareness to our situation and to get people talking about infertility since so many couples suffer in silence.

I resolve to learn more about the disease of infertility. It affects 1 in 8 couples. Most of these couples suffer in silence. 

If you haven't read my blog before, I suffer from Premature Ovarian Failure/Primary Ovarian Insufficiency, better known as POF/POI. Only 1% of women in the world have it which makes it hard to find a doctor that knows much about it. 5 - 10% of couples have spontaneous pregnancy. The only other option given by doctors is donor egg using IVF.

My husband and I first told our families of our infertility right away. For awhile we didn't talk about it to others. It was embarrassing to us and we didn't know anyone else who had the same issues. Infertility can be a very lonely world most of the time. Once we decided what path we wanted to take I began blogging about it. It was  is a great release for me. 

I have always said that if I could just help one person I feel that I have made a difference. 

We have chosen a more natural path to try and beat the odds that are just a number. We will never give up HOPE. 

I resolve to teach people what to say to couples struggling with infertility.

One of the things we have experienced many times along our journey is "just adopt". Just that simple, right?! Actually, no it isn't. There are many things that go in to adoption: Learn about the process, select an agency, complete a home study, search for a child, exchange information with child's agency, be selected for that child, meet and visit the child, receive a placement and finalize your adoption. It is not a simple process. And then you add in to that the emotional process of it. 

Infertile couples are aware that adoption is a choice. You don't need to tell them that. But, the thing that hurts when that is said is that you as a couple have to come to terms that you may never be able to have a child of your own. I don't know about you, but that is not an easy thing to come to. It has been one year and two months since I was diagnosed and we are still deciding what our next steps will be. It is not something that we take lightly either.

What you can do for an infertile couple is just be there for them. Talk about the hard things with them if they are willing to. If they aren't willing to just treat them as you normally would. Don't make every conversation about their lack to have children. Do remember them on holidays - they are especially hard. Most holiday's revolve around children. Also, remember them on Mother's/Father's Day. Even though they aren't parents yet they are grieving it so it is an extra hard holiday for them.

We are 1 in 8. 

Please click on these links to learn more:

• Basic understanding of the disease of infertility
• About NIAW

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

Wow, I can't believe that it has been almost a month since I have updated my blog. Life has been kind of crazy and busy lately. Which is a good thing because I haven't had the time to be down and sulk about my situation.

Not a whole lot has changed. I am still doing my daily routine. Taking herbs/supplements in the morning and evening. Still going to Mercier therapy every other week. I am taking a break from acupuncture. We discussed it and I am taking about 6 weeks off to give my body a break (per my acupuncturist). I have missed it. It is so relaxing to me, and each time I would go it would knock me out cold in to a deep sleep.

I got my thyroid results back after being on my medication for 8 weeks and everything has leveled off. Which is a good thing. I was hoping to have been able to lose some weight, no chance. I was reading through a few things about hypothyroidism that says a person that has it has to work 3 times harder than an average person in order to see results. Add full blown menopause on top of that and life is just perfect! That really bothers me, but I am going with the mentality of one day at a time. I do what I can.

I have been in a rut mentally and emotionally the past few weeks. I thought that spring would be a welcoming season for me. Not so much. Nothing like everything being reborn from the winter months to really slap you in the face. Every day on my drive home I see the new baby calves and foals. Just another reminder that everything can reproduce but me. I know in my mind that this is a horrible attitude to have, but some days you just have your moments.

I have been incredibly sad too. Any little thing just sends me in to a flood of tears. This is so odd to me because at the beginning of my journey I was really upset and then once I kept going things seemed to level off. I know it just takes a toll. I am approaching a year on my natural path and haven't seen any results at all from it. Not even one drop (pun intended!). That bothers me...A LOT! At the beginning, I read success story after success story which really boosted my confidence. I know my chances are slim. I get that. If I was a betting woman I wouldn't bet on something that had a 5% chance.

I see pregnancy announcements, gender reveal parties, baby showers and new babies being born all the time. And I want that so bad. My peers are all having children. These ARE my child bearing days. This is what my body is supposed to do and it isn't.

But, then there is faith and there is hope. So thankful that I have both of them. Always there for me to lean on.

I have always compared infertility to the stages of grieving (I need to do a post on that later). And it could not be more true. The only thing is that you are grieving something that you have never had. Just a small glimpse of what we could have. I have never wanted anything so bad in my entire life. I struggle with the why all the time too. Why is someone that is addicted to drugs able to have children and I am not? I don't think that I will ever have an answer to that question. I know that I have to be patient and believe...but it is still so hard. The thing about grieving infertility though is that it keeps going. I don't know that I will ever have closure on it.

I was flipping through the channels the other day and Cinderella was on. Funny how when you are a kid you memorize all the songs to Disney movies, but I never thought about the words until I heard them that day. I feel like I was meant to hear that at that moment. And it couldn't be more true...

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

I have been reading this each day, as a reminder that I just need to keep on believing and my wish will come true!

Show Us Your Life - Infertility

I am linking up to Kelly's Korner blog this morning. She does a "Show Us Your Life" post on Friday's and today is about infertility.

I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) in February 2013. I had just turned 29 years old. I have been on my journey now for one year.

POF is the loss of function of the ovaries before age 40. Basically your body goes in to premature menopause. Most people with this diagnosis have hot flashes, night sweats, etc. All the signs of menopause. I have been lucky so far. My only symptoms are my high FSH and amenorrhea.

I was also diagnosed last month with hypothyroidism. This means that I have an underactive thyroid. There is a lot of information out there linking infertility and thyroid issues so I am hoping this will get me one step closer.

Since I started my journey last year I have decided to take a more natural approach. I have been to numerous doctors, 2 fertility clinics and have received the same information from all. That I have a 5% chance of getting pregnant on my own, the same is true if I were to do IVF, only 5% chance with that as well. Since the percentages are so low the only option they give me is donor egg through IVF. My ovaries aren't working but, my uterus would be able to carry a baby.

Back to the natural part. I take herbs/supplements each morning and night. I have been going to acupuncture. I started Mercier Therapy (natural/manipulative therapy on your abdomen). All in an effort to get my body back to what it is supposed to do.

One thing I have learned throughout my journey is that you can never give up hope. It isn't easy, everyday reminders of pregnancy, people my age all having children. Infertility can be a very lonely world. Everyone in my life has been very supportive but unless you have gone through it/are going through it, it is hard to understand.

I have really learned a lot about myself so far. I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. My husband is amazing, I knew this before, but until you go through something this hard I guess you don't appreciate it as much.

I am happy about our decision thus far. For now we don't want to do the donor egg/IVF option. We have talked about fostering/adoption. But, aren't in a hurry. We do have some time. One other thing that I have learned is to take time to think about large life decisions. Everything does get better with time. A year ago at this time I was much more emotional/raw. Since then, I don't cry as often and have become stronger when talking about it as well.

My blog is about my journey so far. My hope is that I will be able to help just one person.

Will be praying for everyone going through this journey as well XOXO

The Big Three O and 1 Year

I turned 30 this past Friday. If you know me, I have been dreading this day for sometime. You see I always thought I would have a nice little happy family by the time that I was 30, doesn't every little girl dream about that? Good job, house, married and with children. I have 3 out of 4, just waiting on that last one.

My body apparently heard me talking about not wanting to have a birthday because I caught a horrible case of the stomach virus. So glad that is over with and that I am now on the mend.

Today marks one year since my diagnosis of POF. CRAZY..I can't believe it has already been a year.

I will never forget that day. Getting a phone call, going back to the doctor with Benji and then sitting in the car both of us crying, not knowing what to say. Calling my mom and sister and going to my sisters house and crying my eyes out to them. So thankful to have both of my families close.

Some days it feels like it has gone by slower than a snail but other days it seems like it flew by. I have learned so much about myself in the past year. With the bad always comes good. As I have mentioned before, I am a very organized person and LOVE lists. So, I thought I would make a list of the observations/things I have learned so far in my journey.

• I still wake up every morning thinking this is all just a nightmare and that it isn't true - not sure that this fact will ever change

• I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was - tell me I can't do something and one day I WILL prove you wrong

• My marriage has only grown stronger from all of this and for that I am thankful - it has always been strong from the beginning. We go together like two peas in a pod. But, until you have something that can alter that, you don't realize what you really have. I have said it many times but my husband is my rock and has been so amazing through our infertility journey. He makes sure to always use "us" even when I mostly feel like it is me. He is so understanding and loving with his words, always finds a way to make me smile. I truly am nothing without him.

• I have cried more in one year than I have the other 29 years of my life

• I have met many new people in the past year due to infertility and our similarities. So thankful to have met these sweet girls, even if some of them have only been through the internet. Something about someone knowing exactly what you are going through makes things much easier.

• I have created/found an amazing support group to get my body back to its optimal health - doctors, acupuncturist, chiropractor, massage therapist (with that one I even got a true friend out of the deal - love you Ms Karen!)

• I have an amazing support system, friends and family both. Even though they may not always know what to say to me they are there for me and support me and that means more than anything to me.

• I have become more sensitive to people in general. Never again will I ever ask anyone I meet - "When are you having kids?" That is such a loaded question and really puts someone who is struggling through infertility in an awkward/emotional position. 

• I have found out that in today's world with medicine you have to do what is right for you, even though someone tells you something that they say is your only option you don't have to listen to them. Take time to think through all your options so that you can make the best one.

• I am thankful that I am not $20,000 - $40,000 in debt from infertility treatments

• Life isn't fair

• Time really does heal all wounds - I am a lot tougher than I was a year ago at this time, I cry a lot less frequently. The pain is still there but it seems easier to cope with.

I saw this quote online today and thought it was so fitting. I love it!

4th week of Merciér Therapy

Today was my 4th week or Merciér therapy.  I had one session on Tuesday and one session today, this was my 12th session.

When I signed up for this that was the agreement.  12 sessions - 3 to 4 times a week.  I think that I felt things would be different by this point.  Meaning I would have started my period.  I am disappointed that I haven't. Since I haven't started yet we are going to do one session each week until I do.  Part of the program is six additional massages after you have completed the 12 sessions.  So these will be part of the whole package.

But I can't short change things either.  A LOT has changed.  Even though I have not hit the final result that I wanted to yet there have been a lot of things that have changed.

I have zero scar tissue left that can be felt.  Just 4 weeks ago I thought that I didn't have a right ovary because it didn't come up on an ultrasound and couldn't be felt in my consultation and first session.  I have a lot more elasticity in my mid section.  Things feel much more open and free instead of tight and closed.

I am proud of myself for how far I have come since this diagnosis.  I have done a lot of things to change the results and just because I have yet to see those results change as a number or on a piece of paper I am at peace with what I have completed.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving day.  I am looking forward to traveling to Nebraska and spending the holidays with family.  It will also be  time to relax and let my mind take a break from infertility.  I will take my herbs and supplements with me and take those while we are out of town but  I will take a break from the wheat grass, castor oil packs and V steams.  It is just too much to travel with those things.

I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving and you get to spend time with your loved ones <3 I am so thankful and blessed!

I really love this quote...and I will live by that until my miracle happens.