Back to School

We have been on our journey through infertility now for a year and a half. The beginning was definitely the most emotional for me. Trying to get through all the information and understanding one sentence that will forever change two people's lives.

Once we digested the initial shock we went in to battle mode. How are we going to beat this? Researching, researching, researching. Looking for success stories to boost our confidence and trying to beat the odds that are stacked very high against us.

Two infertility clinics later we knew that the way for us to go was a more natural path. Our odds according to those doctors weren't very good so we didn't have much to lose.

I have been completely focused on that for the past year, a year and two and a half months to be exact. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that long but sometimes if feels like an eternity.

Things have started to slow down for us. I have taken herbs and supplements for longer than I have planned, I tried acupuncture. Got the right medication to get my thyroid on track. Doing my Mercier Therapy to get rid of my scar tissue and get everything flowing and moving correctly.

When we began the natural journey I was sure that it was going to work, isn't that how things always are at the beginning?! I still have hope, my light is just a little dimmer than it was at the beginning. I will never give up on this, for as long as I live. I will continue to research and find new things that are working for people and happening in the infertility world. But, sometimes one can only take so many hits before it starts getting to them.

This past Sunday I was scrolling through Facebook. I started noticing all of the back to school posts about people getting all of their child's things together for their very first day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, junior high...etc.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these people are my age. Friends, people I went to school with, family. Everyone but me is getting ready to send their kids back to school.

Not me.

It is crazy how the world of social media can sometimes make you feel inadequate or lonely. When it should be the complete opposite of that.

I decided last Sunday to take a break. From all of it. No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all of the back to school posts that were to come the very next morning. I cried myself to work every day this week and every day on the way home. Passing school busses, school zones, kids walking down the sidewalk.

This week was one of the hardest weeks of my infertility journey. I think last year at this time I was so focused on me and the journey I was on and the newness of figuring out what to do and what the next thing would be to get me pregnant. That I didn't have time to see it or get down about it.

Not this year.

It has been kind of nice to be disconnected from the world for the past 6 days. Just me and my thoughts. Not comparing myself to others, not seeing birth announcements, not seeing the daily reminder that I don't have kids and am clearly not pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE these things. I love children. I love my family and I love my friends and all of their kids. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to see pictures of my friends and family that are far away that I don't get to see all the time, and keeping up with them and what they are doing.

Life just sucks sometimes and this is one of those times. Life is not fair. That is one lesson that I have learned the hard way.

I am glad I have had this week to reflect. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is my motto lately.

Just being real and writing out my thoughts so that when I do have my baby I can look back and see the journey it took and to be so thankful for the things I do have in life.

Loving this quote lately and it is so true!

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

Wow, I can't believe that it has been almost a month since I have updated my blog. Life has been kind of crazy and busy lately. Which is a good thing because I haven't had the time to be down and sulk about my situation.

Not a whole lot has changed. I am still doing my daily routine. Taking herbs/supplements in the morning and evening. Still going to Mercier therapy every other week. I am taking a break from acupuncture. We discussed it and I am taking about 6 weeks off to give my body a break (per my acupuncturist). I have missed it. It is so relaxing to me, and each time I would go it would knock me out cold in to a deep sleep.

I got my thyroid results back after being on my medication for 8 weeks and everything has leveled off. Which is a good thing. I was hoping to have been able to lose some weight, no chance. I was reading through a few things about hypothyroidism that says a person that has it has to work 3 times harder than an average person in order to see results. Add full blown menopause on top of that and life is just perfect! That really bothers me, but I am going with the mentality of one day at a time. I do what I can.

I have been in a rut mentally and emotionally the past few weeks. I thought that spring would be a welcoming season for me. Not so much. Nothing like everything being reborn from the winter months to really slap you in the face. Every day on my drive home I see the new baby calves and foals. Just another reminder that everything can reproduce but me. I know in my mind that this is a horrible attitude to have, but some days you just have your moments.

I have been incredibly sad too. Any little thing just sends me in to a flood of tears. This is so odd to me because at the beginning of my journey I was really upset and then once I kept going things seemed to level off. I know it just takes a toll. I am approaching a year on my natural path and haven't seen any results at all from it. Not even one drop (pun intended!). That bothers me...A LOT! At the beginning, I read success story after success story which really boosted my confidence. I know my chances are slim. I get that. If I was a betting woman I wouldn't bet on something that had a 5% chance.

I see pregnancy announcements, gender reveal parties, baby showers and new babies being born all the time. And I want that so bad. My peers are all having children. These ARE my child bearing days. This is what my body is supposed to do and it isn't.

But, then there is faith and there is hope. So thankful that I have both of them. Always there for me to lean on.

I have always compared infertility to the stages of grieving (I need to do a post on that later). And it could not be more true. The only thing is that you are grieving something that you have never had. Just a small glimpse of what we could have. I have never wanted anything so bad in my entire life. I struggle with the why all the time too. Why is someone that is addicted to drugs able to have children and I am not? I don't think that I will ever have an answer to that question. I know that I have to be patient and believe...but it is still so hard. The thing about grieving infertility though is that it keeps going. I don't know that I will ever have closure on it.

I was flipping through the channels the other day and Cinderella was on. Funny how when you are a kid you memorize all the songs to Disney movies, but I never thought about the words until I heard them that day. I feel like I was meant to hear that at that moment. And it couldn't be more true...

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

I have been reading this each day, as a reminder that I just need to keep on believing and my wish will come true!

Infertility Study Complete and Thyroid Labs

I finished my infertility study that I was a part of. I was worried that I wouldn't have enough to talk about for the hour and a half sessions, but I was wrong. It really is crazy, a lot of times I feel like I haven't done that much or could be doing more with my diagnosis. But, when I look back in my book and on my blog I have really accomplished a lot. Granted I haven't achieved the end result I am looking for.

The first session was a "get to know me" part. What is my diagnosis? What does it mean? What have I done in terms of treatment, etc? That was the easy part. 

The second session was more about the emotional part of infertility. I speak to my husband and family members and friends about my infertility. I have always been very open about it, it is not something I am ashamed of because I now know that it is not my fault. I struggled with that statement a lot in the beginning. Was there something I could of done? What if I wouldn't have taken birth control for so long? But, that wasn't going to get me anywhere. I am a fixer by nature, when you have a problem, you fix it.  It is what it is and there is truly nothing I can do to change it. There were definitely some deep questions. And it took me back to a place that I haven't visited in awhile. I got choked up a couple of times. Not being able to have a child and grief go hand in hand for me. I have mostly happy days now, but somehow the grief part of it has a sneaky way of coming up on me. 

The third session was just a recap of  what we talked about the first two sessions. One of the questions that she asked me was "How does infertility define you?" That is not something that I have ever thought about so it was a hard question for me to answer. I wish I could say that I haven't let it define me or that it doesn't define me but that isn't true. It has changed the person that I am today. I have a lot thicker shell than I used to. I am a lot more sensitive to things than I used to be. It is constantly on my mind. I just know in my mind that all of this is for something else. Just have to be patient and see what that is. I know in my heart that one day we will be parents.

All in all I am really glad I did the study. It taught me a lot about myself and helped me get some emotions out that I wouldn't normally talk about.

I had my normal acupuncture appointment a couple of weeks ago. She suggested that I take the Barnes Thyroid Test again to see if any of my temperatures had changed. My average came back at 97.4 and it is supposed to be over 97.8 so I am still a little low.

I also went today and had my blood drawn for my follow up labs at my thyroid doctor. Hopefully, the medication that I have been on will have helped some. If not, we will just keep increasing the dosage until I get to the right amount.

I saw this quote the other day and I love it. I kind of have a thing for quotes :) Sometimes they are what gets me through the day!

Show Us Your Life - Infertility

I am linking up to Kelly's Korner blog this morning. She does a "Show Us Your Life" post on Friday's and today is about infertility.

I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) in February 2013. I had just turned 29 years old. I have been on my journey now for one year.

POF is the loss of function of the ovaries before age 40. Basically your body goes in to premature menopause. Most people with this diagnosis have hot flashes, night sweats, etc. All the signs of menopause. I have been lucky so far. My only symptoms are my high FSH and amenorrhea.

I was also diagnosed last month with hypothyroidism. This means that I have an underactive thyroid. There is a lot of information out there linking infertility and thyroid issues so I am hoping this will get me one step closer.

Since I started my journey last year I have decided to take a more natural approach. I have been to numerous doctors, 2 fertility clinics and have received the same information from all. That I have a 5% chance of getting pregnant on my own, the same is true if I were to do IVF, only 5% chance with that as well. Since the percentages are so low the only option they give me is donor egg through IVF. My ovaries aren't working but, my uterus would be able to carry a baby.

Back to the natural part. I take herbs/supplements each morning and night. I have been going to acupuncture. I started Mercier Therapy (natural/manipulative therapy on your abdomen). All in an effort to get my body back to what it is supposed to do.

One thing I have learned throughout my journey is that you can never give up hope. It isn't easy, everyday reminders of pregnancy, people my age all having children. Infertility can be a very lonely world. Everyone in my life has been very supportive but unless you have gone through it/are going through it, it is hard to understand.

I have really learned a lot about myself so far. I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. My husband is amazing, I knew this before, but until you go through something this hard I guess you don't appreciate it as much.

I am happy about our decision thus far. For now we don't want to do the donor egg/IVF option. We have talked about fostering/adoption. But, aren't in a hurry. We do have some time. One other thing that I have learned is to take time to think about large life decisions. Everything does get better with time. A year ago at this time I was much more emotional/raw. Since then, I don't cry as often and have become stronger when talking about it as well.

My blog is about my journey so far. My hope is that I will be able to help just one person.

Will be praying for everyone going through this journey as well XOXO

The Big Three O and 1 Year

I turned 30 this past Friday. If you know me, I have been dreading this day for sometime. You see I always thought I would have a nice little happy family by the time that I was 30, doesn't every little girl dream about that? Good job, house, married and with children. I have 3 out of 4, just waiting on that last one.

My body apparently heard me talking about not wanting to have a birthday because I caught a horrible case of the stomach virus. So glad that is over with and that I am now on the mend.

Today marks one year since my diagnosis of POF. CRAZY..I can't believe it has already been a year.

I will never forget that day. Getting a phone call, going back to the doctor with Benji and then sitting in the car both of us crying, not knowing what to say. Calling my mom and sister and going to my sisters house and crying my eyes out to them. So thankful to have both of my families close.

Some days it feels like it has gone by slower than a snail but other days it seems like it flew by. I have learned so much about myself in the past year. With the bad always comes good. As I have mentioned before, I am a very organized person and LOVE lists. So, I thought I would make a list of the observations/things I have learned so far in my journey.

• I still wake up every morning thinking this is all just a nightmare and that it isn't true - not sure that this fact will ever change

• I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was - tell me I can't do something and one day I WILL prove you wrong

• My marriage has only grown stronger from all of this and for that I am thankful - it has always been strong from the beginning. We go together like two peas in a pod. But, until you have something that can alter that, you don't realize what you really have. I have said it many times but my husband is my rock and has been so amazing through our infertility journey. He makes sure to always use "us" even when I mostly feel like it is me. He is so understanding and loving with his words, always finds a way to make me smile. I truly am nothing without him.

• I have cried more in one year than I have the other 29 years of my life

• I have met many new people in the past year due to infertility and our similarities. So thankful to have met these sweet girls, even if some of them have only been through the internet. Something about someone knowing exactly what you are going through makes things much easier.

• I have created/found an amazing support group to get my body back to its optimal health - doctors, acupuncturist, chiropractor, massage therapist (with that one I even got a true friend out of the deal - love you Ms Karen!)

• I have an amazing support system, friends and family both. Even though they may not always know what to say to me they are there for me and support me and that means more than anything to me.

• I have become more sensitive to people in general. Never again will I ever ask anyone I meet - "When are you having kids?" That is such a loaded question and really puts someone who is struggling through infertility in an awkward/emotional position. 

• I have found out that in today's world with medicine you have to do what is right for you, even though someone tells you something that they say is your only option you don't have to listen to them. Take time to think through all your options so that you can make the best one.

• I am thankful that I am not $20,000 - $40,000 in debt from infertility treatments

• Life isn't fair

• Time really does heal all wounds - I am a lot tougher than I was a year ago at this time, I cry a lot less frequently. The pain is still there but it seems easier to cope with.

I saw this quote online today and thought it was so fitting. I love it!

Another Piece to the Puzzle

I have been on a mission ever since I finished my thyroid test. 

I went back to acupuncture yesterday and she told me more than likely based on my low temperatures and symptoms I have hypothyroidism. She started me on an iodine supplement - taking 225mcg per day with the rest of my supplements that I take. I will do this for 2 months and then retake my temperatures to see if there are any changes.

So with that I looked up hypothyroidism: Often called under active thyroid. This is a common endocrine disorder in which the thyroid gland does not produce enough thyroid hormones.

On Friday night I had a girl reach out to me that was reading my blog post about my thyroid test and she told me she too has thyroid problems. To be exact, Hashimoto's thyroiditis which is known as the most common cause of hypothyroidism, it is known as an autoimmune condition. {Everything happens for a reason}

Now, when I started my whole journey and when I was diagnosed all three doctors that I have been to have told me that the cause of my POF is unknown (most cases are). This is due to the other test that I had completed coming back as negative (Fragile X ). But one thing that has always stuck out in my mind with POF is that when you look at the causes that are known from it a lot of them are attributed to autoimmune disorders. Lightbulb!

That led me to look up Hashimoto's thyroiditis or chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis: this is an autoimmune disease in which the thyroid gland is attacked by a variety of cell- and antibody-mediated immune processes. It was the first disease to be recognized as an autoimmune disease.

I have the following signs of Hashimoto's thyroiditis:

• Weight gain
• Sensitivity to heat and cold
• Dry, itchy skin
• Memory loss
• Infertility

I just really feel like I have finally figured out another piece to all of this. I won't know for sure that I have it until I get some additional blood tests taken. I will be going to a local doctor that specializes in thyroid on the 23rd, I can't wait!

I also did some additional research on Hashimoto's - I found this on the Cedars Sinai health conditions. 

Other Associated Disorders

Although the majority of patients with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and their genetic family members will never experience any other autoimmune condition, they do have a statistically increased risk of developing the following disorders:

• Type 1 Diabetes Mellitus (insulin-requiring)
• Graves' disease (goiter and hyperthyroidism or overactive thyroid)
• Rheumatoid arthritis
• Pernicious anemia (inability to absorb vitamin B12, potentially causing anemia and neurologic problems)
• Addison's disease (adrenal failure; the adrenal gland provides cortisol to handle stress and illness)
• Premature ovarian failure (early menopause)
• Vitiligo (patchy loss of skin pigmentation)
• Thrombocytopenic purpura (bleeding disorder due to inadequate platelets in the blood)
• Lupus erythematosus (autoimmune disease that involves skin, heart, lungs, kidneys)

Do you see the 6th point?! Seriously...this is the only infertility disorder on here and only 1% of the population have POF. I don't think this is a coincidence. I feel like this is HUGE!!!

I was telling my mom this whole story today at lunch and I teared up when I told her. I finally feel like I am getting somewhere. Like all of the things that I have been doing have finally paid off. I have struggled with this part of it. Doing everything and then getting blood tests taken that show no improvement. Not starting my period after finishing my 12 sessions of Merciér therapy. Let down after let down. But, I have kept the faith and stayed positive and this is what it is all for. 

FINALLY - a breakthrough. January 23rd can't come soon enough!

Good Days and Bad Days

I have many more good days than bad.  But when I have a bad one it just hits me like a ton of bricks.

I have been continuing with my herbs/supplements, bi weekly acupuncture, weekly Merciér therapy, castor oil packs, fertility tea and vaginal steams.  The only thing that I have changed is I stopped drinking my wheat grass each morning. It was the worst part of my regimen and I was just over it.

We have been very busy with the holidays.  Which leaves not a lot of time to think...just going from one place to another.  It has been a nice break from the day to day routine.

This whole infertility thing is not easy.  Especially around the holidays.  Just another reminder that we don't have children.  I would love to wake up Christmas morning and be able to see the joy of a child first thing. Kids just make things more fun. I feel like I have a hole in my heart, like I need to grieve something but can't really do it because it is such an unknown.  Sometimes I feel like I am just stuck.  I know this too shall pass and I just have to be patient, but that isn't always easy to do.

Yesterday we went to the Razorback basketball game.  As we were driving home there is a huge sign that shows the number of births that a local hospital system has for the year. Since it is the end of the year the number was very large. This didn't seem to bother me at first. Once we got home I couldn't stop thinking about it. It just consumed my mind. It was a HUGE number and I have doctors telling me I can't be a part of it.  It is just not fair.  

On top of that, my whole weight thing really hit me last night.  My clothes have been tighter and everything I do (diet and exercise), nothing seems to change that. I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. And when I do it is like I don't even recognize the person I look like anymore. Now I know logically speaking this probably has to do with my thyroid from the tests I finished taking, but it still makes me feel like it is just another thing wrong with me which isn't easy to take in either.

I ended up in our bedroom crying my eyes out.  Sometimes I just have to let it all out.  I always feel so much better after that.  

I have said this before and I would say it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My husband is amazing. He always comes to my side to comfort me and to make it all better. I would be completely lost without him. Even though I am sure he thinks I am crazy sometimes - I just cry out of the blue for no reason at times! He never even flinches to be right by my side. I am so blessed to have him in this journey with me.

I found this quote online and I just love it!

Acupuncture and Barnes Thyroid Test

I had an acupuncture appointment today.  A few weeks ago I had found an article on a page in a group that I am part of that had an article about a girl with POF and different acupuncture points that were used for 9 months and she was able to get her period back.

Dr L had reviewed this and had some questions to ask.  First, she gave me a piece of paper with 4 different options.  She asked me to choose which one best fit my symptoms.  As I was looking through them none of them had a lot of my symptoms.  As I have gone through this whole journey and with everything I have read most people with POF have a lot more menopausal symptoms.  I do not, just an absence of my menstrual cycle.

We discussed this and I chose the best option. She then took a look at my tongue, it looked healthy.  I asked her about this and she said you can tell a lot by a person's tongue.  So, I am glad mine looked healthy.

She also did some different points.  I was a little nervous because the first ones were in my back. She put them in at an angle and then I laid down on my back so she could put all the other needles in the points on the front of my body.  Strangely enough I didn't feel the needles in my back while I was laying on it.

We also discussed my thyroid.  On all of my blood tests from the beginning of the year this level came back regular.  My TSH level came back as 1.28 - completely normal range.  She asked if I would be willing to take my temperature each day.  I already do this with a digital thermometer in my mouth to see if I am ovulating or not.  She explained that this was a throw a way thermometer that you place under your armpit and take it before you get out of bed or do anything in the morning.  I agreed.  I mean who wouldn't want to take their temperature by mouth and under your armpit at the same time each morning before getting out of bed before you are really awake?!

I brought home the test and will take it for 10 days in a row.  My average temperature for those 10 days should be 97.8 or above.  If it is below then more than likely my thyroid is abnormal.  This would explain the 30 lbs that I have gained since all of this has started.  And no matter what I do I can't seem to get it off.

My homework is also to take a look at my pills that I currently take to see if any of them have iodine or kelp in them.  Dr L says this is a natural way to get the thyroid to even back out.

The thermometer is called Tempa-DOT, it is a single use thermometer that I will use each morning and throw away.  The kit came with 10 strips.

Acupuncture - Auricular Acupuncture Therapy

I had an acupuncture appointment today.  My acupuncturist did the normal points and then she also did the points in my ears again.  We did this previously in July and August. 

This is a picture of what the needles look like while they are in my ear. (Note: this is not my actual ear, just a picture off the internet)  I never knew how hard it was to take a picture of your own ear!

The ear is also known as an inverted fetus concept - meaning if you look at someone's ear upside down it looks like a fetus.  There are known points in the ear that have effects on the reproductive system.

Auricular acupuncture is a treatment system based on normalizing the body's pain and dysfunction through stimulation of points on the ear. 

This involves needling points in the ear that correspond to different organ systems in the body. The ear points can be needled with conventional needles, sometimes, small seeds or specialized "press" needles are used.

The usual selected auricular points for fertility treatment are:

1. Kidneys
2. Uterus
3. Liver
4. Spleen
5. Ovary
6. Endocrine System 

Each time three to five points are selected and strong stimulation is applied on them.

Here is a diagram of the different points.

After I was finished with the needle part she attached the "press" needles that are left on those pressure points until they fall off, or they will hopefully stay on until I go back in two weeks.  Here is a picture of what my ears look like with them on.  I call them my earrings!

When I had these over the summer they didn't last the two weeks, I think that was mostly due to swimming.  So hopefully they will stay on longer this time. 

They don't hurt at all, just a little awkward at times.  The needles that go in to my ears during acupuncture hurt a little more than most of the needles.  I think this is due to not having that many soft spots on your ears, especially at the top.  But, it only stings a little going in and then I can't feel them.  

It is always nice to get a nap in at lunch too!

Great report at Acupuncture

I have still been continuing my acupuncture every other week.  Since the start of my Merciér therapy I have been looking forward to going back to acupuncture to see if there have been any changes.

When I arrived Friday morning I asked Dr L if she could re measure my frequencies to see if my readings looked better.  She was more than happy to do it.

I have to hold a metal piece that is attached to a machine in my right hand and then she uses the other part and places it on different parts of my hands and feet to measure the different meridians on my body.

Once completed we reviewed the last time I had my frequencies checked and I had MAJOR improvements specifically in the area of my abdomen. Once again great news, I am starting to like this.   I believe that this is due to everything working together but most importantly the Merciér therapy and specifically when I felt the tissue move the week before.

Acupuncture

Through all the research that we completed regarding our diagnosis I decided to give acupuncture a try.  It is along the lines of the natural path that we were taking.  I will be honest, I was very nervous going in to my first appointment.  I do not like needles at all!

Dr L was very sweet and explained everything to me.  The first thing she did was review the herbs/supplements I was taking.  Asked me about my diet and exercise.  She wanted to understand the whole body as one, which makes total sense to me.  When we were going to doctors they were just looking at one thing, my diagnosis, and how to get me a child.  What I have realized through this whole process is that I want to have complete health and not just "fix" one thing.

My first appointment she read my frequencies and showed me that I had substantial differences from side to side.  Specifically below my belly button.  She explained to me that meridians can get blocked and it is like an accident on the highway, it can have effects on the rest of your body.

She gave me homework to complete each day - rub the sides of right above my rib cage in small circular motions.  I do this each day when I am taking my pills so that I don't forget.

After reviewing my herbs/supplements she suggested I start taking vitamin D so I purchased that there and added it to my daily regimen.  What's one more pill?!

One other thing that was homework was for me to monitor my heart rate after I exercise.  After keeping record for a week I took it back to her and she told me what my "workout" heart rate should be based on my age and my resting beats per minute.  My goal is to get my heart rate at about 151 bpm while working out.

These are some of my points that she puts needles in.  The needles in my toes don't feel the best going in, but all the others you don't hardly even feel it.

I do have to say after being so scared of it I find it very relaxing. I fall asleep every time during the session and sleep very well the night after I have my treatment.  For the first few weeks I did one session a week and then graduated to every other week.

This is the board that she uses in the acupuncture room that shows the number of needles that have been inserted each time.