Where There Is Hope...

I found this quote and it is so true for me this week...

Through our entire journey I have tried to never give up hope. That is the one thing about it, always something to hold on to. When we decided to start our adoption journey after struggling through our infertility journey we had to lay some things to rest. 

Things that most people our age don't have to do. Infertility is such a grieving process. I don't think you truly know unless you have gone through it. You have to grieve a baby you may never have. Just like a death. Except you have to say goodbye to someone that you never even got a chance to meet. Which may sound crazy to most people, but it is the truth. And it is so sad, you never know when the end of the road is. There is always that little glimmer of hope that you just can't give up on.

When you are growing up you picture what your family will look like when you are grown. That your children will look like part of you and part of your husband. You hear it all the time; he/she looks so much like you. That is one of the many things that infertility strips from you. That we may never have someone say that to us about our future children.

This Monday was a HUGE day. After 2 years and 10 months of nothing, no signs whatsoever of my fertile years. I got my cycle back. So many emotions have been involved. I cried, was in disbelief, complete and udder shock. 

I have had two reproductive endocrinologists and two OBGYN's tell me that this will never happen. That I would never get my cycle back because I am in full blow menopause. We have tried everything for almost two years. Countless herbs, supplements, fertility tea, castor oil packs, drinking the nastiest tasting thing I have ever had; wheat grass! And all in one day, everything changed. Just like that. 

I don't know what made it happen, will probably never know. But, I do know that after all of our hard work; it feels like it has finally paid off. 

I am still getting my massages and I feel like that has a lot to do with it. When I called my massage therapist to tell her the news I had tears in my eyes. She was so thrilled for me as well. And has stood behind me every step of the way. Always going the extra mile to help me out and to help me get answers. I am so indebted to her for being my cheerleader. I know that God puts people in your life for a reason and I truly believe she was put in mine for a reason.

One of the things that I have researched that if I ever did get my cycle back was to get cycle day 3 (CD3) testing. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and had that done. Very hopeful for good results. All of my numbers have improved, greatly from what they have ever been before. My FSH which is one of the big factors, the number has always been off the charts. 114, 104 and 94, my CD3 test came back as 58. That is by far the lowest I have ever seen in my results. I wasn't very happy about it at first because it is not what it is supposed to be. It has to be under 10 for a chance of pregnancy. And I feel like I am a long way from that. But, if I look at it as glass half full, it has gone down substantially.

While talking to my sister on the phone that day she told me to celebrate my victories, no matter what they are. I love her and the support she gives me each and every day.

While sitting at dinner on Thursday night after the roller coaster of emotions from the beginning of the week, Benji and I were talking about it. I was being hard on myself and feeling not so happy about the results because they are not what they are "supposed" to be. He is another person that I am so grateful for. He is here for me in the day in and day out of it. And never waivers, always giving me the boost I need. Telling me how proud he was of me and how far I have come, it brought me to tears.

This is a HUGE victory for me. And for that I am thankful. 

Where there is hope, there is faith. Where there is faith, miracles happen. 

So now I get to count my cycle days, something that I have never been able to do since I have been diagnosed. And to still have hope for our little miracle.

I don't know what next month will bring, if it will come back or be non existent again. But I am choosing to be grateful for our victory.

Back to School

We have been on our journey through infertility now for a year and a half. The beginning was definitely the most emotional for me. Trying to get through all the information and understanding one sentence that will forever change two people's lives.

Once we digested the initial shock we went in to battle mode. How are we going to beat this? Researching, researching, researching. Looking for success stories to boost our confidence and trying to beat the odds that are stacked very high against us.

Two infertility clinics later we knew that the way for us to go was a more natural path. Our odds according to those doctors weren't very good so we didn't have much to lose.

I have been completely focused on that for the past year, a year and two and a half months to be exact. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that long but sometimes if feels like an eternity.

Things have started to slow down for us. I have taken herbs and supplements for longer than I have planned, I tried acupuncture. Got the right medication to get my thyroid on track. Doing my Mercier Therapy to get rid of my scar tissue and get everything flowing and moving correctly.

When we began the natural journey I was sure that it was going to work, isn't that how things always are at the beginning?! I still have hope, my light is just a little dimmer than it was at the beginning. I will never give up on this, for as long as I live. I will continue to research and find new things that are working for people and happening in the infertility world. But, sometimes one can only take so many hits before it starts getting to them.

This past Sunday I was scrolling through Facebook. I started noticing all of the back to school posts about people getting all of their child's things together for their very first day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, junior high...etc.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these people are my age. Friends, people I went to school with, family. Everyone but me is getting ready to send their kids back to school.

Not me.

It is crazy how the world of social media can sometimes make you feel inadequate or lonely. When it should be the complete opposite of that.

I decided last Sunday to take a break. From all of it. No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all of the back to school posts that were to come the very next morning. I cried myself to work every day this week and every day on the way home. Passing school busses, school zones, kids walking down the sidewalk.

This week was one of the hardest weeks of my infertility journey. I think last year at this time I was so focused on me and the journey I was on and the newness of figuring out what to do and what the next thing would be to get me pregnant. That I didn't have time to see it or get down about it.

Not this year.

It has been kind of nice to be disconnected from the world for the past 6 days. Just me and my thoughts. Not comparing myself to others, not seeing birth announcements, not seeing the daily reminder that I don't have kids and am clearly not pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE these things. I love children. I love my family and I love my friends and all of their kids. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to see pictures of my friends and family that are far away that I don't get to see all the time, and keeping up with them and what they are doing.

Life just sucks sometimes and this is one of those times. Life is not fair. That is one lesson that I have learned the hard way.

I am glad I have had this week to reflect. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is my motto lately.

Just being real and writing out my thoughts so that when I do have my baby I can look back and see the journey it took and to be so thankful for the things I do have in life.

Loving this quote lately and it is so true!

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

Wow, I can't believe that it has been almost a month since I have updated my blog. Life has been kind of crazy and busy lately. Which is a good thing because I haven't had the time to be down and sulk about my situation.

Not a whole lot has changed. I am still doing my daily routine. Taking herbs/supplements in the morning and evening. Still going to Mercier therapy every other week. I am taking a break from acupuncture. We discussed it and I am taking about 6 weeks off to give my body a break (per my acupuncturist). I have missed it. It is so relaxing to me, and each time I would go it would knock me out cold in to a deep sleep.

I got my thyroid results back after being on my medication for 8 weeks and everything has leveled off. Which is a good thing. I was hoping to have been able to lose some weight, no chance. I was reading through a few things about hypothyroidism that says a person that has it has to work 3 times harder than an average person in order to see results. Add full blown menopause on top of that and life is just perfect! That really bothers me, but I am going with the mentality of one day at a time. I do what I can.

I have been in a rut mentally and emotionally the past few weeks. I thought that spring would be a welcoming season for me. Not so much. Nothing like everything being reborn from the winter months to really slap you in the face. Every day on my drive home I see the new baby calves and foals. Just another reminder that everything can reproduce but me. I know in my mind that this is a horrible attitude to have, but some days you just have your moments.

I have been incredibly sad too. Any little thing just sends me in to a flood of tears. This is so odd to me because at the beginning of my journey I was really upset and then once I kept going things seemed to level off. I know it just takes a toll. I am approaching a year on my natural path and haven't seen any results at all from it. Not even one drop (pun intended!). That bothers me...A LOT! At the beginning, I read success story after success story which really boosted my confidence. I know my chances are slim. I get that. If I was a betting woman I wouldn't bet on something that had a 5% chance.

I see pregnancy announcements, gender reveal parties, baby showers and new babies being born all the time. And I want that so bad. My peers are all having children. These ARE my child bearing days. This is what my body is supposed to do and it isn't.

But, then there is faith and there is hope. So thankful that I have both of them. Always there for me to lean on.

I have always compared infertility to the stages of grieving (I need to do a post on that later). And it could not be more true. The only thing is that you are grieving something that you have never had. Just a small glimpse of what we could have. I have never wanted anything so bad in my entire life. I struggle with the why all the time too. Why is someone that is addicted to drugs able to have children and I am not? I don't think that I will ever have an answer to that question. I know that I have to be patient and believe...but it is still so hard. The thing about grieving infertility though is that it keeps going. I don't know that I will ever have closure on it.

I was flipping through the channels the other day and Cinderella was on. Funny how when you are a kid you memorize all the songs to Disney movies, but I never thought about the words until I heard them that day. I feel like I was meant to hear that at that moment. And it couldn't be more true...

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

I have been reading this each day, as a reminder that I just need to keep on believing and my wish will come true!

Show Us Your Life - Infertility

I am linking up to Kelly's Korner blog this morning. She does a "Show Us Your Life" post on Friday's and today is about infertility.

I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) in February 2013. I had just turned 29 years old. I have been on my journey now for one year.

POF is the loss of function of the ovaries before age 40. Basically your body goes in to premature menopause. Most people with this diagnosis have hot flashes, night sweats, etc. All the signs of menopause. I have been lucky so far. My only symptoms are my high FSH and amenorrhea.

I was also diagnosed last month with hypothyroidism. This means that I have an underactive thyroid. There is a lot of information out there linking infertility and thyroid issues so I am hoping this will get me one step closer.

Since I started my journey last year I have decided to take a more natural approach. I have been to numerous doctors, 2 fertility clinics and have received the same information from all. That I have a 5% chance of getting pregnant on my own, the same is true if I were to do IVF, only 5% chance with that as well. Since the percentages are so low the only option they give me is donor egg through IVF. My ovaries aren't working but, my uterus would be able to carry a baby.

Back to the natural part. I take herbs/supplements each morning and night. I have been going to acupuncture. I started Mercier Therapy (natural/manipulative therapy on your abdomen). All in an effort to get my body back to what it is supposed to do.

One thing I have learned throughout my journey is that you can never give up hope. It isn't easy, everyday reminders of pregnancy, people my age all having children. Infertility can be a very lonely world. Everyone in my life has been very supportive but unless you have gone through it/are going through it, it is hard to understand.

I have really learned a lot about myself so far. I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. My husband is amazing, I knew this before, but until you go through something this hard I guess you don't appreciate it as much.

I am happy about our decision thus far. For now we don't want to do the donor egg/IVF option. We have talked about fostering/adoption. But, aren't in a hurry. We do have some time. One other thing that I have learned is to take time to think about large life decisions. Everything does get better with time. A year ago at this time I was much more emotional/raw. Since then, I don't cry as often and have become stronger when talking about it as well.

My blog is about my journey so far. My hope is that I will be able to help just one person.

Will be praying for everyone going through this journey as well XOXO

Good Days and Bad Days

I have many more good days than bad.  But when I have a bad one it just hits me like a ton of bricks.

I have been continuing with my herbs/supplements, bi weekly acupuncture, weekly Merciér therapy, castor oil packs, fertility tea and vaginal steams.  The only thing that I have changed is I stopped drinking my wheat grass each morning. It was the worst part of my regimen and I was just over it.

We have been very busy with the holidays.  Which leaves not a lot of time to think...just going from one place to another.  It has been a nice break from the day to day routine.

This whole infertility thing is not easy.  Especially around the holidays.  Just another reminder that we don't have children.  I would love to wake up Christmas morning and be able to see the joy of a child first thing. Kids just make things more fun. I feel like I have a hole in my heart, like I need to grieve something but can't really do it because it is such an unknown.  Sometimes I feel like I am just stuck.  I know this too shall pass and I just have to be patient, but that isn't always easy to do.

Yesterday we went to the Razorback basketball game.  As we were driving home there is a huge sign that shows the number of births that a local hospital system has for the year. Since it is the end of the year the number was very large. This didn't seem to bother me at first. Once we got home I couldn't stop thinking about it. It just consumed my mind. It was a HUGE number and I have doctors telling me I can't be a part of it.  It is just not fair.  

On top of that, my whole weight thing really hit me last night.  My clothes have been tighter and everything I do (diet and exercise), nothing seems to change that. I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. And when I do it is like I don't even recognize the person I look like anymore. Now I know logically speaking this probably has to do with my thyroid from the tests I finished taking, but it still makes me feel like it is just another thing wrong with me which isn't easy to take in either.

I ended up in our bedroom crying my eyes out.  Sometimes I just have to let it all out.  I always feel so much better after that.  

I have said this before and I would say it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My husband is amazing. He always comes to my side to comfort me and to make it all better. I would be completely lost without him. Even though I am sure he thinks I am crazy sometimes - I just cry out of the blue for no reason at times! He never even flinches to be right by my side. I am so blessed to have him in this journey with me.

I found this quote online and I just love it!

4th week of Merciér Therapy

Today was my 4th week or Merciér therapy.  I had one session on Tuesday and one session today, this was my 12th session.

When I signed up for this that was the agreement.  12 sessions - 3 to 4 times a week.  I think that I felt things would be different by this point.  Meaning I would have started my period.  I am disappointed that I haven't. Since I haven't started yet we are going to do one session each week until I do.  Part of the program is six additional massages after you have completed the 12 sessions.  So these will be part of the whole package.

But I can't short change things either.  A LOT has changed.  Even though I have not hit the final result that I wanted to yet there have been a lot of things that have changed.

I have zero scar tissue left that can be felt.  Just 4 weeks ago I thought that I didn't have a right ovary because it didn't come up on an ultrasound and couldn't be felt in my consultation and first session.  I have a lot more elasticity in my mid section.  Things feel much more open and free instead of tight and closed.

I am proud of myself for how far I have come since this diagnosis.  I have done a lot of things to change the results and just because I have yet to see those results change as a number or on a piece of paper I am at peace with what I have completed.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving day.  I am looking forward to traveling to Nebraska and spending the holidays with family.  It will also be  time to relax and let my mind take a break from infertility.  I will take my herbs and supplements with me and take those while we are out of town but  I will take a break from the wheat grass, castor oil packs and V steams.  It is just too much to travel with those things.

I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving and you get to spend time with your loved ones <3 I am so thankful and blessed!

I really love this quote...and I will live by that until my miracle happens.

3rd week of Merciér Therapy and Shoutout

I completed my 3rd week of Merciér therapy on Thursday.  That was my 10th session.  I have two more left.

I have no scar tissue left and both of my ovaries are easily found so I have come a long way in the past 3 weeks.  It is not tender anywhere anymore either so it is like getting an hour and a half massage each day, what's not to like?!

Karen and I were hoping to have my cycle back by now but it hasn't happened.  This leaves me a little disappointed.  Although through this whole process my body has never done anything like anyone else's so I shouldn't expect it to now!  I know that it will come back.  Just have to be patient.

I am still taking my 22 herbs and supplements a day as well as drinking Pregnitude and wheat grass.  I am also drinking my 3 glasses of fertility tea a day.  I do my steam each day that I have Merciér therapy done and my castor oil packs as well.  I also started temping this week, in case you don't know what this is you use a basal thermometer and take your temperature by mouth before getting out of bed in the morning.  This makes you more aware of when you are ovulating.  I did this for two months in July and August and never ovulated based on my temperature (With POF you normally don't ovulate, your body thinks it is in menopause).  I am hoping with everything being opened up from the therapy we will have better luck this time.
  
I also wanted to give a little shout out to Karen.  She bravely did a radio interview about Merciér therapy and has allowed me to share it with everyone.  She truly is a blessing in my life!  If you have time you should listen to it, if not just read the article and share with anyone you may know.  Women keep this stuff a secret and it shouldn't be.  The more we talk about it the more we can help others.  (I am also mentioned in about the 47th minute of the interview).

http://intentionradio.com/2013/11/no-more-suffering-in-silence-karen-miller/?post_id=7774&search_category&search_label&author&no_redirect=true

Herbs and Supplements

I began taking the following natural supplements on 6/9/2013:

Royal Jelly - 1 tsp 2x per day - this is what the queen bee eats and she lays 250,000 eggs during peak season and up to 2,000 eggs per day
L-Arganine - 1 capsule 3x per day - 500mg per capsule so 1,500mg per day - this encourages blood flow to the uterus, ovaries and genitals
COQ10 - 2 capsules a day - 400mg per capsule - 800mg per day - this is used for basic functioning of cells, it is used in infertility to improve egg quality
DHEA - 75mg per day - this one I was told by the doctor it has been approved and they use it on infertility patients and it has proven results - it increases chances of spontaneous conception, increased quality and quantity of eggs
Melatonin - 3mg before bed - this helps regulate hormones and maintains the body's daily rhythm
Maca - 1 capsule per day - 525mg - is known to improve fertility
Chase Tree (Vitex) - 1 capsule per day - 225mg - an herb that has been used for centuries for hormonal imbalances in women
Red Raspberry Tea - 1 cup per day - this is supposed to help get my cycle back
Wheat Grass - 1 tbsp per day - I mix this with organic tomato juice - it is the only way I can get it down.  I will warn you this is the worst of all of them, you either love the taste of it or hate it and I hate it!
Pregnitude - 1 packet in the morning and 1 packet in the evening - 2 grams myo-inositol, 200mcg folic acid - I purchase this from Walgreens.com, this box will last you a month.  Pregnitude is a reproductive support dietary supplement for women that helps support ovulatory function, menstrual cyclicity and quality of eggs
Shatavari - 1 capsule per day - 500mg - this is a menstrual cycle regulator and supports mucous membranes
Licorice Root - 1 capsule per day - 450mg - this is an anti inflammatory it also balances blood sugar levels and is good for liver health.  This is important because the liver is the chemical processing plant so it maintains hormonal balance
Red Clover - 1 capsule per day - 375mg - this improves circulatory function, increase cervical mucous, high in both calcium and magnesium

6/27/2013 - I started taking Vitamin D - 5000in - 1 capsule per day per my accupuncturist - this is known to increase infertility - it lowers estradiol and progesterone

11/6/2013 - I started taking Rhodiola - 250mg capsules - 2 times a day so 500mg per day per my Merciér therapist - this improves timing of ovulation, promotes regular ovulation, tones the uterus and uterine lining, relaxes and supports the nervous system

11/13/2013 - I started taking Wobenzym N - 6 pills a day - 3 in the morning and 3 in the evening per my Merciér therapist - this cleanses tissues, promotes better circulation, breaks down and removes "fibrin" the make-up of prolonged inflammation and scar tissue, breaks down proteins in the blood that cause inflammation - this facilitates their removal via the lymphatic and circulatory system, reduces inflammation, increase in proper blood formation, increase in proper circulation hinders scar tissue formation while reducing pain

1/7/2014 - I started taking Iodine supplements - 225mcg - one pill per day per my acupuncturist due to my temperature being low which leads her to believe I have hypothyroidism. I have 60 pills so I will take them for 2 months and then take the Barnes Thyroid Test again at that time.

 2/16/2014 - I started taking Calcium supplements - 250mg - 3 pills per day for a total of 750mg and Magnesium supplements - 120mg - 3 pills per day for a total of 360mg.