Patience

We had our in-home consultation back in September. Everything went well. She mostly asked us questions about the paperwork that we had already filled out and then some additional things. She gave us some more forms that had to be filled out as well. When I scanned everything back to her it was around 100 pages.

We received our acceptance letter through the state for our training. You have to be approved in order to start it. Once they have enough people to make up a class, we will begin that, not sure when that will be. More patience.

We are very excited for the next steps and to be able to get placement as soon as possible. This has been something that we have been longing for, for a long time.

As we approach the holiday season it makes me so sad. Another set of holiday's without a child. I have never wanted something so bad in my whole life. I had a little breakdown last night. It all comes on so fast. I have so much sadness and hope in my heart. I'm normally busy and dealing with the day to day of life...and then you just remember. Those words that forever changed our lives. 'You will never be able to have children' Infertility is definitely a greaving process and hits you when you least expect it. I still don't know how we are almost 3 years in to this. I look back at that and feel like we have come a long way but then we aren't where we thought we would be either.

It is so hard being patient throughout this process. Especially when everyone around you has what you want. I never imagined myself being 31 years old and not having children yet. Yes, children. I've always wanted at least 2 kids. Then, when you go through something like this and the process is so long, you have to think about living life with one child. What if we get one and it takes this long to get another one? I know I should be patient and focus on the now. But, it's hard not to have hopes and imagine your future. 

I saw this picture online this week and it is so real and true in this season we are in. 

I will never understand it. Why should it cost so much to adopt a child and so less to get rid of one?! It makes my heart sad. Life just isn't fair. I know so many people that I have met through my journey that would do anything for a child. And I would do the same. Somethings I'll just never understand...

Our Adoption Journey

We have been going through our adoption journey since this past October. I can't believe that it has already been a year, in some ways it has gone by so fast and others it is slower than molasses. We are still hopeful that by word of mouth we will get a match. Since it has been so slow we decided to take the next step in July and we signed up through the state for the foster to adopt program. In the state of Arkansas they don't have just straight adoption. You get placement through foster care and you have to have the child for 6 months before you are able to adopt.

We received our packet of paperwork in the mail after filling out an online application

More paperwork. We have become pros at filling it all out. We had previously done it privately through a case worker. Of course none of  the private translates to what has to be filled out for the state so we are starting from square one again.

When I talked to the Little Rock office she told me that from the time you turn your paperwork in it takes approximately 6 - 9 months for placement.

We filled everything out and mailed our packet in mid-July.

All the pamphlets and paperwork 

We went on vacation and had family in town, so the time passed pretty quickly. I followed back up with them again and they had sent everything off for our background checks.

When I spoke with the lady in Little Rock she told me that she wanted me to understand the ultimate goal of the state is to reunite children with their biological parents. I asked her what our odds were and she said 70% go back to their bio parents and only 30% get adopted. Not the greatest odds for us, but we'll take it. Whatever it takes for us to finally become parents.

We have now been assigned a case worker that is local. Our appointment for our fingerprints will be next week. And our in home consultation will be this Friday. We are hopeful that this will finally work out for us and we can reach our ultimate goal of becoming parents.

This quote is really ringing true for me lately. Adoption is the hardest thing that I have ever been through. That and infertility. The waiting process is hard, although we have been trying to adopt for the last year, it has been in our hearts to be parents since we very first met. Even as a child I always dreamed of being a mom. I am hoping this is getting us closer to our end goal and can't wait for that very special day. I do believe that we will soon be truly blessed!

Where There Is Hope...

I found this quote and it is so true for me this week...

Through our entire journey I have tried to never give up hope. That is the one thing about it, always something to hold on to. When we decided to start our adoption journey after struggling through our infertility journey we had to lay some things to rest. 

Things that most people our age don't have to do. Infertility is such a grieving process. I don't think you truly know unless you have gone through it. You have to grieve a baby you may never have. Just like a death. Except you have to say goodbye to someone that you never even got a chance to meet. Which may sound crazy to most people, but it is the truth. And it is so sad, you never know when the end of the road is. There is always that little glimmer of hope that you just can't give up on.

When you are growing up you picture what your family will look like when you are grown. That your children will look like part of you and part of your husband. You hear it all the time; he/she looks so much like you. That is one of the many things that infertility strips from you. That we may never have someone say that to us about our future children.

This Monday was a HUGE day. After 2 years and 10 months of nothing, no signs whatsoever of my fertile years. I got my cycle back. So many emotions have been involved. I cried, was in disbelief, complete and udder shock. 

I have had two reproductive endocrinologists and two OBGYN's tell me that this will never happen. That I would never get my cycle back because I am in full blow menopause. We have tried everything for almost two years. Countless herbs, supplements, fertility tea, castor oil packs, drinking the nastiest tasting thing I have ever had; wheat grass! And all in one day, everything changed. Just like that. 

I don't know what made it happen, will probably never know. But, I do know that after all of our hard work; it feels like it has finally paid off. 

I am still getting my massages and I feel like that has a lot to do with it. When I called my massage therapist to tell her the news I had tears in my eyes. She was so thrilled for me as well. And has stood behind me every step of the way. Always going the extra mile to help me out and to help me get answers. I am so indebted to her for being my cheerleader. I know that God puts people in your life for a reason and I truly believe she was put in mine for a reason.

One of the things that I have researched that if I ever did get my cycle back was to get cycle day 3 (CD3) testing. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and had that done. Very hopeful for good results. All of my numbers have improved, greatly from what they have ever been before. My FSH which is one of the big factors, the number has always been off the charts. 114, 104 and 94, my CD3 test came back as 58. That is by far the lowest I have ever seen in my results. I wasn't very happy about it at first because it is not what it is supposed to be. It has to be under 10 for a chance of pregnancy. And I feel like I am a long way from that. But, if I look at it as glass half full, it has gone down substantially.

While talking to my sister on the phone that day she told me to celebrate my victories, no matter what they are. I love her and the support she gives me each and every day.

While sitting at dinner on Thursday night after the roller coaster of emotions from the beginning of the week, Benji and I were talking about it. I was being hard on myself and feeling not so happy about the results because they are not what they are "supposed" to be. He is another person that I am so grateful for. He is here for me in the day in and day out of it. And never waivers, always giving me the boost I need. Telling me how proud he was of me and how far I have come, it brought me to tears.

This is a HUGE victory for me. And for that I am thankful. 

Where there is hope, there is faith. Where there is faith, miracles happen. 

So now I get to count my cycle days, something that I have never been able to do since I have been diagnosed. And to still have hope for our little miracle.

I don't know what next month will bring, if it will come back or be non existent again. But I am choosing to be grateful for our victory.

Two Strikes and Approval

We received a phone call around Thanksgiving from our lawyer. She had a potential birth mom for us and said that all of our packet was given to her and that she was going to make her decision by Christmas. Ahhhhh! That made adopting so real to us. Not that it wasn't before but we were just going through all the steps and busy in the process of paperwork and interviews. It is hard when you get news like that to keep it in but we decided we would as to not get anyone's hopes up. Benji and I would talk about it...so many emotions came with it. Happiness, excitement, counting the amount of weeks that she is pregnant as to when the due date would be, etc. By Christmas we hadn't heard anything. We are both pretty patient people and we didn't want to push it. Just figured if and when she decided, or chose us that we could be excited then. 

Needless to say we didn't get chosen. Talk about a punch in the gut. Not only are we not able to have children but the approval part of adoption just plain sucks. You second guess yourself. What didn't she like about us? Why didn't she choose us? After the initial shock and tears wore off we understand that it is not about us. It is about the birth mom's decision. And I am sure that is not an easy decision to make at all.

About a month after Christmas I had someone reach out to me that knew someone that knew someone. I called my lawyer as I wasn't sure how all of that worked out. She said just get the name and number and give it to me and I will be able to ask all the legal questions. Again, the same emotions. The girl that I know was telling me what she knew about the girl. That she was 22 weeks along. Calculations in my head...when will the birthday be, what day will we finally become parents. 

Another dead end. The girl would never give her name and number. 

Some days I wallow in my tears and some days it is not so bad. Some days I get tired of holding my head up high and some days it is just another day.

My infertility journey has been two years long. Part of me hates that I went to the doctor around my birthday that year. Not that I ever thought anything would be wrong or I would get the news that I did. Part of that makes me not like celebrating my birthday because it is a reminder to me of another year without a baby. Without a family. Without the happiness that a child brings to a home. 

We are still hoping and praying every day that we get good news. Every time my phone rings and it is a number I don't know. Every day when I wake up, wondering if today will be the day. We really hope it comes soon but also know that it will happen when it is supposed to. 

In other news, we got the approval from our home study. We never thought that we wouldn't get approved but you just never know. It is good to have that paperwork in our hands and know that nothing is standing in the way of our dream to become parents.

Hooray! Our Adoption home study approval paperwork.

Living in the Moment and Courage

It has been really quiet since we finished our individual interviews for our home study. Part of it is due to the holiday's and part of it is due to the way things work in this process.

Benji's individual interview went great. We have run in to some road blocks while filling out the medical portion of our packets. Long story short...we both go to a walk-in clinic when we are sick which is not that often. They aren't willing to sign the paperwork since they aren't our "primary" caregiver. So, after getting all my medical records and some communicable diseases blood work run I was able to get mine finally signed off on. Benji is working on his and once we turn that in we will be approved. Yay!

We have been trying to live in the moment the past couple of months. Just living life day to day. We have also started making plans for this next year and not putting our life on hold. If I just let it be I know it will happen. All of this can be so overwhelming at times most of the time. To think in an instant, our lives could will change. And we can have what we have been longing for. 

When you are young you think you know everything. That what is happening to you is the worst that it can get. I remember things from when I was a young adult/teenager that were so important then and they mean absolutely nothing now. It is crazy how things can change. I think back a lot on just a couple of years ago. We sold our starter home and had found our dream house. It ended up taking us 6 months to get it. That seemed like such a long time to me then. And now that I look back on it, it was such a short amount of time. I suppose that will be how this works out as well. Waiting two years, so far, to have a baby. To complete our family. 

All it will be is one phone call. That will change that long amount of time that we have been waiting to nothing. All of those feelings will just dissipate. It is exciting, scary, overwhelming, emotional and crazy! To think that we could be parents in just a short amount of time.

Even since we have started our adoption journey, some days it seems like we just started it and some days it feels like it has been the longest three months.

Not knowing what to expect, not knowing when that day will come. It is hard. Especially for both of us, we are very much planners/organizers. Which is even more reason for us to live in the moment. I like that things have slowed down a bit due to the holiday's to really make us see that too.  

I got this sign from my mom for Christmas, I picked it out at the local craft fair this fall. I completely forgot about it, love little surprises like that in life! And the saying is oh so true.

We have had a great past couple of weeks. We got to celebrate Christmas three times with the ones we love. We are so grateful for all of our family and all of the support we have received thus far. 

Home Study

We had our home study this afternoon.

After meeting with Paula the first time I wasn't nervous at all. The main thing she told us is that she is looking for a lovable family with a home that has enough space for a child.

We took a tour of the house when she first arrived.

Then we had to break out for our individual interviews with her. We had a couples interview when we went to her office a few weeks ago.

She went through my portion of the packet that I had filled out and sent to her at the beginning of the process. I just love her. She is so easy going and likes to talk, I do too, so we get along very well. We also have a lot in common and agree on a lot of the same points.

We ended up talking for the next hour and a half that she was here. About my family history, how we plan on disciplining our child, how I feel about my infertility and what stage I am in, etc. She kept complementing us on all of our paperwork which always makes us feel good.

Since we talked so long it didn't leave time for Benji's individual interview. We scheduled that for next week. After that is done, as well as a couple more paperwork things we should be approved.

Paula also met with the lawyer who's list we are on yesterday. She was able to communicate with her back and forth while she was here at our house so we are hoping some positive things come out of that for us.

We are so excited and one step closer to having our family complete.

During our Home Study with Paula

Thank You!

Wow!

Since I shared our blog publicly last week, I have been saying that word a lot, wow...

We decided to share our decision to adopt so that we could spread the word. Our adoption counselor told us that if we were going to do "word of mouth" adoption that the more people that knew about it the better. She instructed us to tell everyone that we knew, for them to tell everyone they know, and so on.

We have been sharing our news for the past month with our families and close friends.

Putting that decision out there for the world to see was a little scary. Not knowing how people would judge us. From the beginning of our journey I have never wanted to give up on our ability to have a child. Part of sharing meant that I could possibly get judgement, that we had given up. Which I never want anyone to think. We will not ever give up on this.

Boy, was I wrong.

I cried most of the day Monday as I read the things that people wrote about us as they shared our story on social media.

Everyday people thinking that we would be great parents. People that I haven't talked to in years, or seen since graduating high school. People that didn't have to say anything, or share it for that matter.

We are so humbled and grateful for all of the people that have shared our story. Or talked to their friends and family about us. Just spreading the word.

We know that this brings us that much closer to having our family complete, something that we have been waiting for, for a long time.

For that we are so indebted to all of you. I feel as if "thank you" is certainly not enough.

We thank you from the bottom of our hearts! And are so grateful for each and every one of you.

Our First Adoption Meeting

We had our first adoption meeting today. We got to meet Paula, all three of us clicked from the moment we met each other.

She had received our packet and read through it before our meeting. The meeting started out with introductions. Then she said so many people have questions about adoption so she wanted to go through the different ways.

• Word of Mouth Adoption (this is the option we are choosing) - tell everyone you know that you are looking for a match. That way they can tell everyone they know and so on and so forth
• She gave us the name of a local lawyer that gets the calls from the local hospitals when a woman comes in to give birth and is unable to take them home
• Agency Adoption - Very expensive, we would be spending between $20,000 - $25,000. American adoptions is the most known place. They have an office in Rogers, AR.
• An advantage to this is that the mother is taken care of by the agency
• Private Lawyers - This is also very expensive, most places cost about $30,000. She gave us some names of some highly recommended lawyers

In the state of Arkansas the window before the actual adoption can take place is 5 days. So, from the day the baby is born they have 5 days to change their mind. This is one of the things that scares both of us the most. Receiving a child and then getting it taken away from us. However, you miss 100% of the chances that you don't take and we are willing to take this chance.

She also talked to us about the adoption tax credit, you get this back the year that you have placement of a child.

We scheduled our home study for Wednesday November 5th  Thursday November 13th. She will come to our house and check everything out to make sure that we have room for a child. She will also interview us individually at that time, this is part of the whole process.

We discussed timing, she said based on our preferences it could happen as soon as the home study is done, or it could take months. You just never know. 

We are hoping for the best, that our home study passes. I am not that worried about this, she told us that our paperwork was all great and that there were no red flags. 

Our next plan is to get in touch with the lawyer that is local and get put on her list. 

We are so excited and feel like this is all happening very quickly now!

So excited to become parents!

Adoption 101

After making the decision to adopt we know that we have to get the right people in place and the knowledge of it in order for that to happen.

I have a friend from high school (thank you Barbara!) that has adopted and she gave me the name of a lady that is local. I spoke with her at the beginning of October, she said she would go ahead and send me the paperwork and we set up our very first meeting that would be on October 22nd. That gave us about two weeks to get together the paperwork that she would be sending us.

I received the packet in email form, it is 52 pages long! Half of it was for me and the other half for Benji to fill out.

The beginning is personal background information, name/DOB, etc. Then you go in to describing your personality, how others would describe you, what your goals are, what your life challenges have been/are. The next pages are about your family, how you were raised, how you were disciplined. How we think we would parent together, would we do the same things our parents did or change things up? Then there is a section about our education, work history, ethical and religious values. There are a lot of questions on adoption. What you think about it, how you came to terms with being ready for it. Lots of questions on marriage, what makes you a good spouse, what makes your partner a good spouse, etc. There are about 4 pages on infertility, how it makes you feel, how it has affected your marriage. Assets and liabilities, you have to list your monthly income, what monthly expenses come out, what you have in your bank accounts. 

It is a lot of information, I understand why they do it. They have to make sure you are ready to become parents and are emotionally, physically and financially able to become a parent. 

I am not going to lie. There were some HARD questions in there. We each filled our paperwork out on our own and then I had to put them both together to compile them to be able to send them in. We have been married for just under 7 years, and have know each other for almost 14. It is crazy to me how much we are on the same page without even discussing things. I love that about our relationship. It has always been easy. 

One of the questions that sticks out in my mind is what you want your child/children to remember most about you when they look back on their childhood. We both answered with the time that we spend with them making memories.

We also had to have three reference letters completed. We gave them to our friends/family members that we chose for them to fill out and send in. 

Now the next thing we wait for is our appointment!

Our Next Step

We have been taking a break from everything to do with infertility. Just taking the time to be a couple without the stress of everything. This is easier said than done though, especially with me. I take supplements in the morning and at night, as well as my thyroid medication and HRT. This is an everyday reminder to me of what I have.

Ever since being diagnosed we have fought with everything we have to be able to reverse this nasty disease. However, during the course of the last two years we have chatted about adoption a time or two. Always saying that we would come back to it when and if we are ready. 

When we were on our vacation in July at the beach we had a date night. That night after we got back to the condo we walked down to the beach and sat in some chairs and just talked. Talked about where we have been in regards to being childless, what we are currently doing and what the future looked like for both of us. We both know that we do not want to live our lives without kids. So, after about an hour we decided that we wanted to look in to adoption and see what it was all about, since neither of us know much about it, just the normal things you hear from people. The high cost of it and the long waits for child placement.

After arriving back home to our normal everyday routines, I had been looking online through the state's website. You can sign up through there and submit your application online. That starts the process, then you go through a home study, about 30 hours of classes as a couple and then you are open to get children. 

I wanted so badly to fill out the application and submit it, we were ready for the next step. All that was standing between us was that one little submit button. Before hitting it, we talked about it again and decided we just weren't ready. One thing about marriage is that there is an ebb and flow, you have to compromise, be on the same page. Especially about life altering decisions. So we waited. And thought more and more about it.

One thing that infertility will teach you is to be patient. And I have a feeling through the adoption process we will be learning more and more about patience.

We were sitting out on our deck one night, just chatting about life. And I brought up the whole adoption discussion again. We talked about the things that we are both scared of. We talked about the joy that it will bring us. 

I do believe the two additional months that we both waited and reflected made us even more ready for our journey ahead. 

Since then I had been reading a lot about the differences in state adoption and private adoption. State adoption you normally get older kids, you do have a chance of younger but not a big one. With private you are able to get an infant. 

That saying that "everything happens for a reason" is so true, especially in this case. I think that we would have rushed the thought and actions the two months prior so I am so glad we waited. 

That brings me to where we are today. We are going to adopt, preferably an infant, a child that we can raise with our own morals and values. A child that we can show them the value of family, growing up with the two great families that we are blessed to be a part of.

We are so excited about our future and what the coming months will hold for us. We are happy to announce that we have officially begun our journey to adopt!