Back to School

We have been on our journey through infertility now for a year and a half. The beginning was definitely the most emotional for me. Trying to get through all the information and understanding one sentence that will forever change two people's lives.

Once we digested the initial shock we went in to battle mode. How are we going to beat this? Researching, researching, researching. Looking for success stories to boost our confidence and trying to beat the odds that are stacked very high against us.

Two infertility clinics later we knew that the way for us to go was a more natural path. Our odds according to those doctors weren't very good so we didn't have much to lose.

I have been completely focused on that for the past year, a year and two and a half months to be exact. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that long but sometimes if feels like an eternity.

Things have started to slow down for us. I have taken herbs and supplements for longer than I have planned, I tried acupuncture. Got the right medication to get my thyroid on track. Doing my Mercier Therapy to get rid of my scar tissue and get everything flowing and moving correctly.

When we began the natural journey I was sure that it was going to work, isn't that how things always are at the beginning?! I still have hope, my light is just a little dimmer than it was at the beginning. I will never give up on this, for as long as I live. I will continue to research and find new things that are working for people and happening in the infertility world. But, sometimes one can only take so many hits before it starts getting to them.

This past Sunday I was scrolling through Facebook. I started noticing all of the back to school posts about people getting all of their child's things together for their very first day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, junior high...etc.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these people are my age. Friends, people I went to school with, family. Everyone but me is getting ready to send their kids back to school.

Not me.

It is crazy how the world of social media can sometimes make you feel inadequate or lonely. When it should be the complete opposite of that.

I decided last Sunday to take a break. From all of it. No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all of the back to school posts that were to come the very next morning. I cried myself to work every day this week and every day on the way home. Passing school busses, school zones, kids walking down the sidewalk.

This week was one of the hardest weeks of my infertility journey. I think last year at this time I was so focused on me and the journey I was on and the newness of figuring out what to do and what the next thing would be to get me pregnant. That I didn't have time to see it or get down about it.

Not this year.

It has been kind of nice to be disconnected from the world for the past 6 days. Just me and my thoughts. Not comparing myself to others, not seeing birth announcements, not seeing the daily reminder that I don't have kids and am clearly not pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE these things. I love children. I love my family and I love my friends and all of their kids. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to see pictures of my friends and family that are far away that I don't get to see all the time, and keeping up with them and what they are doing.

Life just sucks sometimes and this is one of those times. Life is not fair. That is one lesson that I have learned the hard way.

I am glad I have had this week to reflect. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is my motto lately.

Just being real and writing out my thoughts so that when I do have my baby I can look back and see the journey it took and to be so thankful for the things I do have in life.

Loving this quote lately and it is so true!

Second Worst Day of my Life

May 15, 2013 - Tulsa Fertility Center

This was a two hour drive from where we live.  We left around 8 so we could get there for our 10:15 appointment.

It was very surreal, I was still thinking in my head the whole time that this was not happening to us.

Once we checked in we had to fill out a TON of paperwork.  Apparently when you are infertile they require a lot of family history/personal history.

We were taken back to the doctor's office (I will not be putting any names of doctors in here) and he started talking away.  Telling me that I definitely had premature ovarian failure.

He also suggested getting a skin biopsy or ovary biopsy to check for Turner's Mosaic Syndrome - that the blood test doesn't pick it up.  He said this may or may not tell us some things.  I am not a doctor but I was not about to be cut on for a biopsy for maybe getting results.  He also stated that my body was currently making enough estrogen because I don't have hot flashes, yet.  One thing that I have read online is most girls that have POF have all the symptoms of menopause.  The only thing I have is amennorhea (no period) and high FSH.

After this he took us to a room to have an internal ultrasound.  I had never had one of these before, it was uncomfortable to say the least.  That and the fact that he was telling me he couldn't find my right ovary at all and that my left ovary was shriveled.  I could already tell it was going to be a great day (I hope you can sense my sarcasm).  He also started the ultrasound out by telling me that my uterus was in great shape and could definitely hold a child.  They say hindsight is always 20/20...

After getting my clothes back on we went back to his office.  About the hindsight thing, the first thing he said was my body was in great shape in order to carry a child.  That the only chance we have of having a child is to use donor eggs and IVF (someone else's egg and my husbands sperm).  I was definitely not prepared for this at all.  As I stated before I was still in a little bit of denial - that none of this was happening to us.

The rest of the appointment is kind a blur to me.  All I remember is that he mentioned donor eggs probably 20 times.  He was definitely pushing that on us.

As we were leaving he gave me a prescription for Provera - to hopefully jump start a period.  He stated that it was important for me to have at least four menses a year in order to protect my uteral lining and not get endometriosis.  I would take Provera for 10 days and see what happens.

While we were checking out they had us schedule a follow up appointment for two weeks later.  I failed to mention before he didn't get all of my test results from Arkansas either.  I was so upset when we left. Regarding the diagnosis and the only option that he gave us (donor eggs).  We went back out to our car and I cried and cried.  I must mention my husband is a rockstar, he has been so AMAZING through everything.  he truly is my rock and I am so lucky that I married a man like him.

Back to Arkansas we went while having a long conversation on the two hour long drive home.