Patience

We had our in-home consultation back in September. Everything went well. She mostly asked us questions about the paperwork that we had already filled out and then some additional things. She gave us some more forms that had to be filled out as well. When I scanned everything back to her it was around 100 pages.

We received our acceptance letter through the state for our training. You have to be approved in order to start it. Once they have enough people to make up a class, we will begin that, not sure when that will be. More patience.

We are very excited for the next steps and to be able to get placement as soon as possible. This has been something that we have been longing for, for a long time.

As we approach the holiday season it makes me so sad. Another set of holiday's without a child. I have never wanted something so bad in my whole life. I had a little breakdown last night. It all comes on so fast. I have so much sadness and hope in my heart. I'm normally busy and dealing with the day to day of life...and then you just remember. Those words that forever changed our lives. 'You will never be able to have children' Infertility is definitely a greaving process and hits you when you least expect it. I still don't know how we are almost 3 years in to this. I look back at that and feel like we have come a long way but then we aren't where we thought we would be either.

It is so hard being patient throughout this process. Especially when everyone around you has what you want. I never imagined myself being 31 years old and not having children yet. Yes, children. I've always wanted at least 2 kids. Then, when you go through something like this and the process is so long, you have to think about living life with one child. What if we get one and it takes this long to get another one? I know I should be patient and focus on the now. But, it's hard not to have hopes and imagine your future. 

I saw this picture online this week and it is so real and true in this season we are in. 

I will never understand it. Why should it cost so much to adopt a child and so less to get rid of one?! It makes my heart sad. Life just isn't fair. I know so many people that I have met through my journey that would do anything for a child. And I would do the same. Somethings I'll just never understand...

Our Adoption Journey

We have been going through our adoption journey since this past October. I can't believe that it has already been a year, in some ways it has gone by so fast and others it is slower than molasses. We are still hopeful that by word of mouth we will get a match. Since it has been so slow we decided to take the next step in July and we signed up through the state for the foster to adopt program. In the state of Arkansas they don't have just straight adoption. You get placement through foster care and you have to have the child for 6 months before you are able to adopt.

We received our packet of paperwork in the mail after filling out an online application

More paperwork. We have become pros at filling it all out. We had previously done it privately through a case worker. Of course none of  the private translates to what has to be filled out for the state so we are starting from square one again.

When I talked to the Little Rock office she told me that from the time you turn your paperwork in it takes approximately 6 - 9 months for placement.

We filled everything out and mailed our packet in mid-July.

All the pamphlets and paperwork 

We went on vacation and had family in town, so the time passed pretty quickly. I followed back up with them again and they had sent everything off for our background checks.

When I spoke with the lady in Little Rock she told me that she wanted me to understand the ultimate goal of the state is to reunite children with their biological parents. I asked her what our odds were and she said 70% go back to their bio parents and only 30% get adopted. Not the greatest odds for us, but we'll take it. Whatever it takes for us to finally become parents.

We have now been assigned a case worker that is local. Our appointment for our fingerprints will be next week. And our in home consultation will be this Friday. We are hopeful that this will finally work out for us and we can reach our ultimate goal of becoming parents.

This quote is really ringing true for me lately. Adoption is the hardest thing that I have ever been through. That and infertility. The waiting process is hard, although we have been trying to adopt for the last year, it has been in our hearts to be parents since we very first met. Even as a child I always dreamed of being a mom. I am hoping this is getting us closer to our end goal and can't wait for that very special day. I do believe that we will soon be truly blessed!

Where There Is Hope...

I found this quote and it is so true for me this week...

Through our entire journey I have tried to never give up hope. That is the one thing about it, always something to hold on to. When we decided to start our adoption journey after struggling through our infertility journey we had to lay some things to rest. 

Things that most people our age don't have to do. Infertility is such a grieving process. I don't think you truly know unless you have gone through it. You have to grieve a baby you may never have. Just like a death. Except you have to say goodbye to someone that you never even got a chance to meet. Which may sound crazy to most people, but it is the truth. And it is so sad, you never know when the end of the road is. There is always that little glimmer of hope that you just can't give up on.

When you are growing up you picture what your family will look like when you are grown. That your children will look like part of you and part of your husband. You hear it all the time; he/she looks so much like you. That is one of the many things that infertility strips from you. That we may never have someone say that to us about our future children.

This Monday was a HUGE day. After 2 years and 10 months of nothing, no signs whatsoever of my fertile years. I got my cycle back. So many emotions have been involved. I cried, was in disbelief, complete and udder shock. 

I have had two reproductive endocrinologists and two OBGYN's tell me that this will never happen. That I would never get my cycle back because I am in full blow menopause. We have tried everything for almost two years. Countless herbs, supplements, fertility tea, castor oil packs, drinking the nastiest tasting thing I have ever had; wheat grass! And all in one day, everything changed. Just like that. 

I don't know what made it happen, will probably never know. But, I do know that after all of our hard work; it feels like it has finally paid off. 

I am still getting my massages and I feel like that has a lot to do with it. When I called my massage therapist to tell her the news I had tears in my eyes. She was so thrilled for me as well. And has stood behind me every step of the way. Always going the extra mile to help me out and to help me get answers. I am so indebted to her for being my cheerleader. I know that God puts people in your life for a reason and I truly believe she was put in mine for a reason.

One of the things that I have researched that if I ever did get my cycle back was to get cycle day 3 (CD3) testing. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and had that done. Very hopeful for good results. All of my numbers have improved, greatly from what they have ever been before. My FSH which is one of the big factors, the number has always been off the charts. 114, 104 and 94, my CD3 test came back as 58. That is by far the lowest I have ever seen in my results. I wasn't very happy about it at first because it is not what it is supposed to be. It has to be under 10 for a chance of pregnancy. And I feel like I am a long way from that. But, if I look at it as glass half full, it has gone down substantially.

While talking to my sister on the phone that day she told me to celebrate my victories, no matter what they are. I love her and the support she gives me each and every day.

While sitting at dinner on Thursday night after the roller coaster of emotions from the beginning of the week, Benji and I were talking about it. I was being hard on myself and feeling not so happy about the results because they are not what they are "supposed" to be. He is another person that I am so grateful for. He is here for me in the day in and day out of it. And never waivers, always giving me the boost I need. Telling me how proud he was of me and how far I have come, it brought me to tears.

This is a HUGE victory for me. And for that I am thankful. 

Where there is hope, there is faith. Where there is faith, miracles happen. 

So now I get to count my cycle days, something that I have never been able to do since I have been diagnosed. And to still have hope for our little miracle.

I don't know what next month will bring, if it will come back or be non existent again. But I am choosing to be grateful for our victory.

Living in the Moment and Courage

It has been really quiet since we finished our individual interviews for our home study. Part of it is due to the holiday's and part of it is due to the way things work in this process.

Benji's individual interview went great. We have run in to some road blocks while filling out the medical portion of our packets. Long story short...we both go to a walk-in clinic when we are sick which is not that often. They aren't willing to sign the paperwork since they aren't our "primary" caregiver. So, after getting all my medical records and some communicable diseases blood work run I was able to get mine finally signed off on. Benji is working on his and once we turn that in we will be approved. Yay!

We have been trying to live in the moment the past couple of months. Just living life day to day. We have also started making plans for this next year and not putting our life on hold. If I just let it be I know it will happen. All of this can be so overwhelming at times most of the time. To think in an instant, our lives could will change. And we can have what we have been longing for. 

When you are young you think you know everything. That what is happening to you is the worst that it can get. I remember things from when I was a young adult/teenager that were so important then and they mean absolutely nothing now. It is crazy how things can change. I think back a lot on just a couple of years ago. We sold our starter home and had found our dream house. It ended up taking us 6 months to get it. That seemed like such a long time to me then. And now that I look back on it, it was such a short amount of time. I suppose that will be how this works out as well. Waiting two years, so far, to have a baby. To complete our family. 

All it will be is one phone call. That will change that long amount of time that we have been waiting to nothing. All of those feelings will just dissipate. It is exciting, scary, overwhelming, emotional and crazy! To think that we could be parents in just a short amount of time.

Even since we have started our adoption journey, some days it seems like we just started it and some days it feels like it has been the longest three months.

Not knowing what to expect, not knowing when that day will come. It is hard. Especially for both of us, we are very much planners/organizers. Which is even more reason for us to live in the moment. I like that things have slowed down a bit due to the holiday's to really make us see that too.  

I got this sign from my mom for Christmas, I picked it out at the local craft fair this fall. I completely forgot about it, love little surprises like that in life! And the saying is oh so true.

We have had a great past couple of weeks. We got to celebrate Christmas three times with the ones we love. We are so grateful for all of our family and all of the support we have received thus far. 

Home Study

We had our home study this afternoon.

After meeting with Paula the first time I wasn't nervous at all. The main thing she told us is that she is looking for a lovable family with a home that has enough space for a child.

We took a tour of the house when she first arrived.

Then we had to break out for our individual interviews with her. We had a couples interview when we went to her office a few weeks ago.

She went through my portion of the packet that I had filled out and sent to her at the beginning of the process. I just love her. She is so easy going and likes to talk, I do too, so we get along very well. We also have a lot in common and agree on a lot of the same points.

We ended up talking for the next hour and a half that she was here. About my family history, how we plan on disciplining our child, how I feel about my infertility and what stage I am in, etc. She kept complementing us on all of our paperwork which always makes us feel good.

Since we talked so long it didn't leave time for Benji's individual interview. We scheduled that for next week. After that is done, as well as a couple more paperwork things we should be approved.

Paula also met with the lawyer who's list we are on yesterday. She was able to communicate with her back and forth while she was here at our house so we are hoping some positive things come out of that for us.

We are so excited and one step closer to having our family complete.

During our Home Study with Paula

Our First Adoption Meeting

We had our first adoption meeting today. We got to meet Paula, all three of us clicked from the moment we met each other.

She had received our packet and read through it before our meeting. The meeting started out with introductions. Then she said so many people have questions about adoption so she wanted to go through the different ways.

• Word of Mouth Adoption (this is the option we are choosing) - tell everyone you know that you are looking for a match. That way they can tell everyone they know and so on and so forth
• She gave us the name of a local lawyer that gets the calls from the local hospitals when a woman comes in to give birth and is unable to take them home
• Agency Adoption - Very expensive, we would be spending between $20,000 - $25,000. American adoptions is the most known place. They have an office in Rogers, AR.
• An advantage to this is that the mother is taken care of by the agency
• Private Lawyers - This is also very expensive, most places cost about $30,000. She gave us some names of some highly recommended lawyers

In the state of Arkansas the window before the actual adoption can take place is 5 days. So, from the day the baby is born they have 5 days to change their mind. This is one of the things that scares both of us the most. Receiving a child and then getting it taken away from us. However, you miss 100% of the chances that you don't take and we are willing to take this chance.

She also talked to us about the adoption tax credit, you get this back the year that you have placement of a child.

We scheduled our home study for Wednesday November 5th  Thursday November 13th. She will come to our house and check everything out to make sure that we have room for a child. She will also interview us individually at that time, this is part of the whole process.

We discussed timing, she said based on our preferences it could happen as soon as the home study is done, or it could take months. You just never know. 

We are hoping for the best, that our home study passes. I am not that worried about this, she told us that our paperwork was all great and that there were no red flags. 

Our next plan is to get in touch with the lawyer that is local and get put on her list. 

We are so excited and feel like this is all happening very quickly now!

So excited to become parents!

Adoption 101

After making the decision to adopt we know that we have to get the right people in place and the knowledge of it in order for that to happen.

I have a friend from high school (thank you Barbara!) that has adopted and she gave me the name of a lady that is local. I spoke with her at the beginning of October, she said she would go ahead and send me the paperwork and we set up our very first meeting that would be on October 22nd. That gave us about two weeks to get together the paperwork that she would be sending us.

I received the packet in email form, it is 52 pages long! Half of it was for me and the other half for Benji to fill out.

The beginning is personal background information, name/DOB, etc. Then you go in to describing your personality, how others would describe you, what your goals are, what your life challenges have been/are. The next pages are about your family, how you were raised, how you were disciplined. How we think we would parent together, would we do the same things our parents did or change things up? Then there is a section about our education, work history, ethical and religious values. There are a lot of questions on adoption. What you think about it, how you came to terms with being ready for it. Lots of questions on marriage, what makes you a good spouse, what makes your partner a good spouse, etc. There are about 4 pages on infertility, how it makes you feel, how it has affected your marriage. Assets and liabilities, you have to list your monthly income, what monthly expenses come out, what you have in your bank accounts. 

It is a lot of information, I understand why they do it. They have to make sure you are ready to become parents and are emotionally, physically and financially able to become a parent. 

I am not going to lie. There were some HARD questions in there. We each filled our paperwork out on our own and then I had to put them both together to compile them to be able to send them in. We have been married for just under 7 years, and have know each other for almost 14. It is crazy to me how much we are on the same page without even discussing things. I love that about our relationship. It has always been easy. 

One of the questions that sticks out in my mind is what you want your child/children to remember most about you when they look back on their childhood. We both answered with the time that we spend with them making memories.

We also had to have three reference letters completed. We gave them to our friends/family members that we chose for them to fill out and send in. 

Now the next thing we wait for is our appointment!

Back to School

We have been on our journey through infertility now for a year and a half. The beginning was definitely the most emotional for me. Trying to get through all the information and understanding one sentence that will forever change two people's lives.

Once we digested the initial shock we went in to battle mode. How are we going to beat this? Researching, researching, researching. Looking for success stories to boost our confidence and trying to beat the odds that are stacked very high against us.

Two infertility clinics later we knew that the way for us to go was a more natural path. Our odds according to those doctors weren't very good so we didn't have much to lose.

I have been completely focused on that for the past year, a year and two and a half months to be exact. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that long but sometimes if feels like an eternity.

Things have started to slow down for us. I have taken herbs and supplements for longer than I have planned, I tried acupuncture. Got the right medication to get my thyroid on track. Doing my Mercier Therapy to get rid of my scar tissue and get everything flowing and moving correctly.

When we began the natural journey I was sure that it was going to work, isn't that how things always are at the beginning?! I still have hope, my light is just a little dimmer than it was at the beginning. I will never give up on this, for as long as I live. I will continue to research and find new things that are working for people and happening in the infertility world. But, sometimes one can only take so many hits before it starts getting to them.

This past Sunday I was scrolling through Facebook. I started noticing all of the back to school posts about people getting all of their child's things together for their very first day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, junior high...etc.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these people are my age. Friends, people I went to school with, family. Everyone but me is getting ready to send their kids back to school.

Not me.

It is crazy how the world of social media can sometimes make you feel inadequate or lonely. When it should be the complete opposite of that.

I decided last Sunday to take a break. From all of it. No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all of the back to school posts that were to come the very next morning. I cried myself to work every day this week and every day on the way home. Passing school busses, school zones, kids walking down the sidewalk.

This week was one of the hardest weeks of my infertility journey. I think last year at this time I was so focused on me and the journey I was on and the newness of figuring out what to do and what the next thing would be to get me pregnant. That I didn't have time to see it or get down about it.

Not this year.

It has been kind of nice to be disconnected from the world for the past 6 days. Just me and my thoughts. Not comparing myself to others, not seeing birth announcements, not seeing the daily reminder that I don't have kids and am clearly not pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE these things. I love children. I love my family and I love my friends and all of their kids. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to see pictures of my friends and family that are far away that I don't get to see all the time, and keeping up with them and what they are doing.

Life just sucks sometimes and this is one of those times. Life is not fair. That is one lesson that I have learned the hard way.

I am glad I have had this week to reflect. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is my motto lately.

Just being real and writing out my thoughts so that when I do have my baby I can look back and see the journey it took and to be so thankful for the things I do have in life.

Loving this quote lately and it is so true!

Vivid Dreams

The past two nights I have had very vivid dreams. They have both been the same exact thing, it has freaked me out enough that I don't even want to go to sleep anymore.

It all begins that we find out we are pregnant, we get the honor of telling both of our families who are all ecstatic because we have been waiting for this for such a long time. Then we go through each month chronicling the growth of my belly. And preparing the nursery. Living our lives in pure bliss and joy. 9 months go by quickly and we are in the hospital having our precious baby that we have dreamed about. We cry with such happy emotion, all while our family and friends are around. Then I wake up.

Two nights in a row. The exact same thing. You know when you have a dream and feel like it is real? That is how I have been waking up. And then I realize it isn't true and my heart just breaks all over again.

I don't know why I am having these dreams, but I am sure there has to be a reason for it. I haven't had the time to dwell on our infertility lately. We have been busy, it is just a busy time in our lives. For this I have been thankful, not that I am not dealing with it but that it gets pushed to the back of my heart and mind.

Maybe these dreams are a way of pulling me back to reality to deal with it. The problem is I don't know how to do it. I feel like we are stuck. I have tried numerous things, researched many hours. I don't have good chances scientifically. I know that...I get that. But, it doesn't make it any easier. Then I read stories about women with the same thing and they spontaneously get pregnant. And it gives me such hope.

One thing I do know, whatever happens, I will never give up on this. I owe that to myself, my husband and our families.

Genetic Study, 6 years and Support

This week has been a crazy busy week! I can't believe that it is already Friday.

I haven't mentioned it yet, but I am part of a genetic study that a Women's Institute is doing out of Pittsburgh. They are doing the study on 1,200 people. It is only on women who suffer from POF, 1% of women in the world have it and there isn't that much research that has been done. There is no cure for it and the only fertility option is donor egg. The study is being done to see if there are any genetic links to what causes it or how someone gets it. There are some autoimmune diseases that they think cause it but once you are tested for that and it is negative, you get an answer of unknown. Which is what I was told.

I had to fill out a consent form and the history of my cycles, then have about a 15 minute phone conversation with one of the case workers. We went over my history and then family members history. After that they sent me 3 tubes for my blood that I was able to have drawn here. All I had to do was go to the doctor, have them draw it and then ship it back to Pittsburgh.

Blood draw for genetic testing

I have always said since my whole journey started that if I can help just one person through this in the future that would make me ecstatic. Although I probably won't see anything from this study that will pertain to me, it should be able to help future generations out and that means a lot to me.

Part of this testing is also that they are able to get my families DNA as well. Most importantly my immediate family, and then any of my aunts, uncles and first cousins. I asked for their help and have had an overwhelming response. I always knew I had an awesome family but this just proved it to me even more!

Tuesday we celebrated our anniversary. We went on our very first date 13 years ago and were married on that same day 6 years ago. It ended up being a great day. We were both working but made time to see each other for lunch and then went out on a romantic date for dinner. I have the most amazing husband, always my rock and my cheerleader. Sometimes I get down about our infertility journey and he is always there to lift me up. I really have been blessed by having him and his family in my life. I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.

Anniversary Dinner at Theo's Steakhouse

I have been part of an Infertility Support group since I found out about my diagnosis. It is a group on Facebook. It is private so the only people in it are people that are struggling with infertility that are in the area I live in. We talk about doctors, ask questions, etc. It has been very helpful. Since last week was National Infertility Awareness Week the administrator asked if we would be interested in having our first ever support group meeting face to face.

I was a little nervous at first. I haven't ever met anyone in the same position as me that is still struggling through it. I have talked to people I know that have been through it, but ended up having children. Just not the same thing as I am experiencing right now in my life. I wasn't going to go at first but then decided it would be good for me, and I am so glad that I did.

There were 4 of us that were there, we met at a local coffee shop that had a door that could be closed so we could talk about whatever we wanted. We were there about two hours and it was such a breath of fresh air. To actually talk to people that understand what I am thinking and going through with doctors. Fighting for your own health. So glad that I got to meet these wonderful ladies and can't wait for our next monthly meeting.

First ever NWA Infertility Support Group

The Big Three O and 1 Year

I turned 30 this past Friday. If you know me, I have been dreading this day for sometime. You see I always thought I would have a nice little happy family by the time that I was 30, doesn't every little girl dream about that? Good job, house, married and with children. I have 3 out of 4, just waiting on that last one.

My body apparently heard me talking about not wanting to have a birthday because I caught a horrible case of the stomach virus. So glad that is over with and that I am now on the mend.

Today marks one year since my diagnosis of POF. CRAZY..I can't believe it has already been a year.

I will never forget that day. Getting a phone call, going back to the doctor with Benji and then sitting in the car both of us crying, not knowing what to say. Calling my mom and sister and going to my sisters house and crying my eyes out to them. So thankful to have both of my families close.

Some days it feels like it has gone by slower than a snail but other days it seems like it flew by. I have learned so much about myself in the past year. With the bad always comes good. As I have mentioned before, I am a very organized person and LOVE lists. So, I thought I would make a list of the observations/things I have learned so far in my journey.

• I still wake up every morning thinking this is all just a nightmare and that it isn't true - not sure that this fact will ever change

• I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was - tell me I can't do something and one day I WILL prove you wrong

• My marriage has only grown stronger from all of this and for that I am thankful - it has always been strong from the beginning. We go together like two peas in a pod. But, until you have something that can alter that, you don't realize what you really have. I have said it many times but my husband is my rock and has been so amazing through our infertility journey. He makes sure to always use "us" even when I mostly feel like it is me. He is so understanding and loving with his words, always finds a way to make me smile. I truly am nothing without him.

• I have cried more in one year than I have the other 29 years of my life

• I have met many new people in the past year due to infertility and our similarities. So thankful to have met these sweet girls, even if some of them have only been through the internet. Something about someone knowing exactly what you are going through makes things much easier.

• I have created/found an amazing support group to get my body back to its optimal health - doctors, acupuncturist, chiropractor, massage therapist (with that one I even got a true friend out of the deal - love you Ms Karen!)

• I have an amazing support system, friends and family both. Even though they may not always know what to say to me they are there for me and support me and that means more than anything to me.

• I have become more sensitive to people in general. Never again will I ever ask anyone I meet - "When are you having kids?" That is such a loaded question and really puts someone who is struggling through infertility in an awkward/emotional position. 

• I have found out that in today's world with medicine you have to do what is right for you, even though someone tells you something that they say is your only option you don't have to listen to them. Take time to think through all your options so that you can make the best one.

• I am thankful that I am not $20,000 - $40,000 in debt from infertility treatments

• Life isn't fair

• Time really does heal all wounds - I am a lot tougher than I was a year ago at this time, I cry a lot less frequently. The pain is still there but it seems easier to cope with.

I saw this quote online today and thought it was so fitting. I love it!

Time to Reflect

I decided to write this blog to document our lives through our struggle with infertility, specifically Premature Ovarian Failure.  I also thought it would be a good way to keep our family and friends updated with everything that is going on. Another reason I am writing this blog is so that I can show our future kids our journey.  The final reason and most important is that even if I can help one person through their struggle it will be worth it.  Infertility can be a very lonely world sometimes.  People don't like to talk about it.  My hope is that more people will take the natural approach as well.

The past couple of weeks I have been updating everything that has happened so far on our journey.

I haven't written much of my own personal thoughts, so here goes:

When I first received my diagnosis I was so upset.  I know that I am meant to be a mother.  I have always thought that for as long as I can remember.  I come from two very large families and I want that life.  I also married in to a wonderful family.  My husbands immediate family lives here but the rest of his family lives in Germany and we have visited twice and they are so welcoming to me even with the language barrier.

I have the best husband.  I have always known this, but the battle of infertility has made our marriage even stronger.  He has a heart of gold and would do anything and everything for me.  Through all of this he has been my rock.  He is my cheerleader and tells me what a great job I am doing and what I am sacrificing for our family. I am so thankful for him.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason, I am not sure what the reason for this is but if I look at the bigger picture I know that this too shall pass.

I believe that attitude is EVERYTHING.  You get a clean slate when you wake up each morning and it is your choice on how to live that day.  I choose to live my life positively.  Now, there are some days that aren't that easy.  Especially when everyone you see is pregnant (I swear once you are told that you can't have kids everyone is pregnant)!  It is also not easy to see everyone your age announcing their pregnancies and pictures of their kids but that is life.  Life isn't always fair.

(I have been living by this quote lately)