I have been continuing with my herbs/supplements, bi weekly acupuncture, weekly Merciér therapy, castor oil packs, fertility tea and vaginal steams. The only thing that I have changed is I stopped drinking my wheat grass each morning. It was the worst part of my regimen and I was just over it.
We have been very busy with the holidays. Which leaves not a lot of time to think...just going from one place to another. It has been a nice break from the day to day routine.
This whole infertility thing is not easy. Especially around the holidays. Just another reminder that we don't have children. I would love to wake up Christmas morning and be able to see the joy of a child first thing. Kids just make things more fun. I feel like I have a hole in my heart, like I need to grieve something but can't really do it because it is such an unknown. Sometimes I feel like I am just stuck. I know this too shall pass and I just have to be patient, but that isn't always easy to do.
Yesterday we went to the Razorback basketball game. As we were driving home there is a huge sign that shows the number of births that a local hospital system has for the year. Since it is the end of the year the number was very large. This didn't seem to bother me at first. Once we got home I couldn't stop thinking about it. It just consumed my mind. It was a HUGE number and I have doctors telling me I can't be a part of it. It is just not fair.
On top of that, my whole weight thing really hit me last night. My clothes have been tighter and everything I do (diet and exercise), nothing seems to change that. I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. And when I do it is like I don't even recognize the person I look like anymore. Now I know logically speaking this probably has to do with my thyroid from the tests I finished taking, but it still makes me feel like it is just another thing wrong with me which isn't easy to take in either.
I ended up in our bedroom crying my eyes out. Sometimes I just have to let it all out. I always feel so much better after that.
I have said this before and I would say it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My husband is amazing. He always comes to my side to comfort me and to make it all better. I would be completely lost without him. Even though I am sure he thinks I am crazy sometimes - I just cry out of the blue for no reason at times! He never even flinches to be right by my side. I am so blessed to have him in this journey with me.
I found this quote online and I just love it!
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