Patience

We had our in-home consultation back in September. Everything went well. She mostly asked us questions about the paperwork that we had already filled out and then some additional things. She gave us some more forms that had to be filled out as well. When I scanned everything back to her it was around 100 pages.

We received our acceptance letter through the state for our training. You have to be approved in order to start it. Once they have enough people to make up a class, we will begin that, not sure when that will be. More patience.

We are very excited for the next steps and to be able to get placement as soon as possible. This has been something that we have been longing for, for a long time.

As we approach the holiday season it makes me so sad. Another set of holiday's without a child. I have never wanted something so bad in my whole life. I had a little breakdown last night. It all comes on so fast. I have so much sadness and hope in my heart. I'm normally busy and dealing with the day to day of life...and then you just remember. Those words that forever changed our lives. 'You will never be able to have children' Infertility is definitely a greaving process and hits you when you least expect it. I still don't know how we are almost 3 years in to this. I look back at that and feel like we have come a long way but then we aren't where we thought we would be either.

It is so hard being patient throughout this process. Especially when everyone around you has what you want. I never imagined myself being 31 years old and not having children yet. Yes, children. I've always wanted at least 2 kids. Then, when you go through something like this and the process is so long, you have to think about living life with one child. What if we get one and it takes this long to get another one? I know I should be patient and focus on the now. But, it's hard not to have hopes and imagine your future. 

I saw this picture online this week and it is so real and true in this season we are in. 

I will never understand it. Why should it cost so much to adopt a child and so less to get rid of one?! It makes my heart sad. Life just isn't fair. I know so many people that I have met through my journey that would do anything for a child. And I would do the same. Somethings I'll just never understand...

Our Adoption Journey

We have been going through our adoption journey since this past October. I can't believe that it has already been a year, in some ways it has gone by so fast and others it is slower than molasses. We are still hopeful that by word of mouth we will get a match. Since it has been so slow we decided to take the next step in July and we signed up through the state for the foster to adopt program. In the state of Arkansas they don't have just straight adoption. You get placement through foster care and you have to have the child for 6 months before you are able to adopt.

We received our packet of paperwork in the mail after filling out an online application

More paperwork. We have become pros at filling it all out. We had previously done it privately through a case worker. Of course none of  the private translates to what has to be filled out for the state so we are starting from square one again.

When I talked to the Little Rock office she told me that from the time you turn your paperwork in it takes approximately 6 - 9 months for placement.

We filled everything out and mailed our packet in mid-July.

All the pamphlets and paperwork 

We went on vacation and had family in town, so the time passed pretty quickly. I followed back up with them again and they had sent everything off for our background checks.

When I spoke with the lady in Little Rock she told me that she wanted me to understand the ultimate goal of the state is to reunite children with their biological parents. I asked her what our odds were and she said 70% go back to their bio parents and only 30% get adopted. Not the greatest odds for us, but we'll take it. Whatever it takes for us to finally become parents.

We have now been assigned a case worker that is local. Our appointment for our fingerprints will be next week. And our in home consultation will be this Friday. We are hopeful that this will finally work out for us and we can reach our ultimate goal of becoming parents.

This quote is really ringing true for me lately. Adoption is the hardest thing that I have ever been through. That and infertility. The waiting process is hard, although we have been trying to adopt for the last year, it has been in our hearts to be parents since we very first met. Even as a child I always dreamed of being a mom. I am hoping this is getting us closer to our end goal and can't wait for that very special day. I do believe that we will soon be truly blessed!

HRT and Cycles

Wow, I can't believe the summer is almost over and it's been April since I last wrote a blog post. Way too long!

Back in March I got my first cycle, after having nothing since being diagnosed, this was a huge hope for us. I had some normal cycles (28 to 30 days) and then in May/June ended up having a menstrual cycle for 21 out of 30 days, yikes! After talking to my doctor he decided to take me off my bioidentical HRT to see what happened with my cycles after not taking the medication. They thought that I was possibly in remission from POF. Music to my ears.

I started HRT back in October, nothing happened until March...5 months. Based on that information they didn't think it was the HRT causing the cycles. The one thing about POF is that you can go in to remission. The doctor was hopeful that is what happened, my ovaries decided to wake back up and work. The only thing they warned me of is that we don't know for how long or if anything will work while it is happening. With this disease there are a lot of questions and a lot of unknowns. At the beginning I struggled with this a lot. I like to know what is going to happen, I am a planner and an organizer. There was a little sliver of hope that something might happen. There have been cases that women who are in remission have a mature egg that drops and pregnancy happens.

After quitting the pills in June, nothing came in July...nothing came in August. Failed pregnancy test and I was back to the doctor. We chatted about what it all meant, again so many unknowns. All I want is an answer. I had my blood work redone to test my hormones. They all came back the worst they have ever been...Blah!

	April 2015	August 2015
Estradiol	35.2 pg/mL	17.5 pg/mL
Progesterone	3.2 ng/mL	.9 ng/mL
FSH	58.4 mIu/mL	127.1 mIu/mL
LH	22.2 mlu/mL	47.5 mIu/mL

Estradiol goal is 50, Progesterone goal is 10, FSH is supposed to be under 10 and LH is supposed to be less than 7 in order to reach pregnancy. Definitely not where I wanted to be. But, it is out of my control. I understand that but it still doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

So, I went back on HRT starting in August.

RESOLVE - You Are Not Alone

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). This is something that has become very near and dear to my heart. The theme this year is "You Are Not Alone". I am participating in the Bloggers Unite Challenge to help spread the word and to show women that are battling this disease that they in fact are not alone.

Love this image that is on their site

From the beginning of our infertility journey, we knew that we couldn't do it alone. We slowly started to tell our family and close friends. It was embarrassing to me, knowing that my body couldn't do what it is supposed to. That every other woman in my life is able to do. It took me awhile but I finally realized that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't anything that I did.

I have had many people tell me that they wouldn't be able to be as strong as me if they were going through the same thing. The truth is I have no choice but to be strong. You have to fight for yourself, become an advocate for yourself, especially in the doctor's office. Because, at the end of the day only you know your body.

One of the things that has helped me so much is the local support group that I became a part of. We have a private social media group and about a year ago met face to face for the first time. Through this past year the women in this group have become some of my closest confidants. They just get it. Unless you have gone through infertility it is hard to explain. You just don't know the feelings, the havoc that it can wreak on your body let alone your mind. These women have been my saving grace and for that I am so very thankful. I am a true believer that God brings people in to your life at the right time. Even though I don't necessarily like the reason why we were brought together, I am so grateful to have them in my life.

Our meeting for the month of April

It has also been a huge relief for me to be public about our journey. Not only does it keep friends and family updated that don't live close, but it helps bring those awkward conversations to life. Things that most people would be scared or nervous to ask me about. Through my blog it gives a starting point. It also makes me feel not so alone. The encouragement that I have received from people is an amazing feeling. As well as the notes that I get that tell me that I have inspired them. It makes all of this worth it.

I want anyone to know that is suffering in silence through infertility that you are not alone. There is a huge community out there for you to lean on. And more than likely, someone that is sitting next to you at work, at church, etc. is probably suffering from infertility as well. 1 in 8 is more than likely someone that you know. No one with infertility should have to walk it alone.

I am also extremely grateful for my husband. He is there for me day in and day out. Always there to give me a hug or talk when I break out in tears for no reason or maybe a big reason. I always knew we were the right fit for each other, from the day that I met him. This journey has made us so much stronger as a couple and I couldn't image this struggle without him.

Where There Is Hope...

I found this quote and it is so true for me this week...

Through our entire journey I have tried to never give up hope. That is the one thing about it, always something to hold on to. When we decided to start our adoption journey after struggling through our infertility journey we had to lay some things to rest. 

Things that most people our age don't have to do. Infertility is such a grieving process. I don't think you truly know unless you have gone through it. You have to grieve a baby you may never have. Just like a death. Except you have to say goodbye to someone that you never even got a chance to meet. Which may sound crazy to most people, but it is the truth. And it is so sad, you never know when the end of the road is. There is always that little glimmer of hope that you just can't give up on.

When you are growing up you picture what your family will look like when you are grown. That your children will look like part of you and part of your husband. You hear it all the time; he/she looks so much like you. That is one of the many things that infertility strips from you. That we may never have someone say that to us about our future children.

This Monday was a HUGE day. After 2 years and 10 months of nothing, no signs whatsoever of my fertile years. I got my cycle back. So many emotions have been involved. I cried, was in disbelief, complete and udder shock. 

I have had two reproductive endocrinologists and two OBGYN's tell me that this will never happen. That I would never get my cycle back because I am in full blow menopause. We have tried everything for almost two years. Countless herbs, supplements, fertility tea, castor oil packs, drinking the nastiest tasting thing I have ever had; wheat grass! And all in one day, everything changed. Just like that. 

I don't know what made it happen, will probably never know. But, I do know that after all of our hard work; it feels like it has finally paid off. 

I am still getting my massages and I feel like that has a lot to do with it. When I called my massage therapist to tell her the news I had tears in my eyes. She was so thrilled for me as well. And has stood behind me every step of the way. Always going the extra mile to help me out and to help me get answers. I am so indebted to her for being my cheerleader. I know that God puts people in your life for a reason and I truly believe she was put in mine for a reason.

One of the things that I have researched that if I ever did get my cycle back was to get cycle day 3 (CD3) testing. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and had that done. Very hopeful for good results. All of my numbers have improved, greatly from what they have ever been before. My FSH which is one of the big factors, the number has always been off the charts. 114, 104 and 94, my CD3 test came back as 58. That is by far the lowest I have ever seen in my results. I wasn't very happy about it at first because it is not what it is supposed to be. It has to be under 10 for a chance of pregnancy. And I feel like I am a long way from that. But, if I look at it as glass half full, it has gone down substantially.

While talking to my sister on the phone that day she told me to celebrate my victories, no matter what they are. I love her and the support she gives me each and every day.

While sitting at dinner on Thursday night after the roller coaster of emotions from the beginning of the week, Benji and I were talking about it. I was being hard on myself and feeling not so happy about the results because they are not what they are "supposed" to be. He is another person that I am so grateful for. He is here for me in the day in and day out of it. And never waivers, always giving me the boost I need. Telling me how proud he was of me and how far I have come, it brought me to tears.

This is a HUGE victory for me. And for that I am thankful. 

Where there is hope, there is faith. Where there is faith, miracles happen. 

So now I get to count my cycle days, something that I have never been able to do since I have been diagnosed. And to still have hope for our little miracle.

I don't know what next month will bring, if it will come back or be non existent again. But I am choosing to be grateful for our victory.

Two Strikes and Approval

We received a phone call around Thanksgiving from our lawyer. She had a potential birth mom for us and said that all of our packet was given to her and that she was going to make her decision by Christmas. Ahhhhh! That made adopting so real to us. Not that it wasn't before but we were just going through all the steps and busy in the process of paperwork and interviews. It is hard when you get news like that to keep it in but we decided we would as to not get anyone's hopes up. Benji and I would talk about it...so many emotions came with it. Happiness, excitement, counting the amount of weeks that she is pregnant as to when the due date would be, etc. By Christmas we hadn't heard anything. We are both pretty patient people and we didn't want to push it. Just figured if and when she decided, or chose us that we could be excited then. 

Needless to say we didn't get chosen. Talk about a punch in the gut. Not only are we not able to have children but the approval part of adoption just plain sucks. You second guess yourself. What didn't she like about us? Why didn't she choose us? After the initial shock and tears wore off we understand that it is not about us. It is about the birth mom's decision. And I am sure that is not an easy decision to make at all.

About a month after Christmas I had someone reach out to me that knew someone that knew someone. I called my lawyer as I wasn't sure how all of that worked out. She said just get the name and number and give it to me and I will be able to ask all the legal questions. Again, the same emotions. The girl that I know was telling me what she knew about the girl. That she was 22 weeks along. Calculations in my head...when will the birthday be, what day will we finally become parents. 

Another dead end. The girl would never give her name and number. 

Some days I wallow in my tears and some days it is not so bad. Some days I get tired of holding my head up high and some days it is just another day.

My infertility journey has been two years long. Part of me hates that I went to the doctor around my birthday that year. Not that I ever thought anything would be wrong or I would get the news that I did. Part of that makes me not like celebrating my birthday because it is a reminder to me of another year without a baby. Without a family. Without the happiness that a child brings to a home. 

We are still hoping and praying every day that we get good news. Every time my phone rings and it is a number I don't know. Every day when I wake up, wondering if today will be the day. We really hope it comes soon but also know that it will happen when it is supposed to. 

In other news, we got the approval from our home study. We never thought that we wouldn't get approved but you just never know. It is good to have that paperwork in our hands and know that nothing is standing in the way of our dream to become parents.

Hooray! Our Adoption home study approval paperwork.

Living in the Moment and Courage

It has been really quiet since we finished our individual interviews for our home study. Part of it is due to the holiday's and part of it is due to the way things work in this process.

Benji's individual interview went great. We have run in to some road blocks while filling out the medical portion of our packets. Long story short...we both go to a walk-in clinic when we are sick which is not that often. They aren't willing to sign the paperwork since they aren't our "primary" caregiver. So, after getting all my medical records and some communicable diseases blood work run I was able to get mine finally signed off on. Benji is working on his and once we turn that in we will be approved. Yay!

We have been trying to live in the moment the past couple of months. Just living life day to day. We have also started making plans for this next year and not putting our life on hold. If I just let it be I know it will happen. All of this can be so overwhelming at times most of the time. To think in an instant, our lives could will change. And we can have what we have been longing for. 

When you are young you think you know everything. That what is happening to you is the worst that it can get. I remember things from when I was a young adult/teenager that were so important then and they mean absolutely nothing now. It is crazy how things can change. I think back a lot on just a couple of years ago. We sold our starter home and had found our dream house. It ended up taking us 6 months to get it. That seemed like such a long time to me then. And now that I look back on it, it was such a short amount of time. I suppose that will be how this works out as well. Waiting two years, so far, to have a baby. To complete our family. 

All it will be is one phone call. That will change that long amount of time that we have been waiting to nothing. All of those feelings will just dissipate. It is exciting, scary, overwhelming, emotional and crazy! To think that we could be parents in just a short amount of time.

Even since we have started our adoption journey, some days it seems like we just started it and some days it feels like it has been the longest three months.

Not knowing what to expect, not knowing when that day will come. It is hard. Especially for both of us, we are very much planners/organizers. Which is even more reason for us to live in the moment. I like that things have slowed down a bit due to the holiday's to really make us see that too.  

I got this sign from my mom for Christmas, I picked it out at the local craft fair this fall. I completely forgot about it, love little surprises like that in life! And the saying is oh so true.

We have had a great past couple of weeks. We got to celebrate Christmas three times with the ones we love. We are so grateful for all of our family and all of the support we have received thus far. 

Home Study

We had our home study this afternoon.

After meeting with Paula the first time I wasn't nervous at all. The main thing she told us is that she is looking for a lovable family with a home that has enough space for a child.

We took a tour of the house when she first arrived.

Then we had to break out for our individual interviews with her. We had a couples interview when we went to her office a few weeks ago.

She went through my portion of the packet that I had filled out and sent to her at the beginning of the process. I just love her. She is so easy going and likes to talk, I do too, so we get along very well. We also have a lot in common and agree on a lot of the same points.

We ended up talking for the next hour and a half that she was here. About my family history, how we plan on disciplining our child, how I feel about my infertility and what stage I am in, etc. She kept complementing us on all of our paperwork which always makes us feel good.

Since we talked so long it didn't leave time for Benji's individual interview. We scheduled that for next week. After that is done, as well as a couple more paperwork things we should be approved.

Paula also met with the lawyer who's list we are on yesterday. She was able to communicate with her back and forth while she was here at our house so we are hoping some positive things come out of that for us.

We are so excited and one step closer to having our family complete.

During our Home Study with Paula

Thank You!

Wow!

Since I shared our blog publicly last week, I have been saying that word a lot, wow...

We decided to share our decision to adopt so that we could spread the word. Our adoption counselor told us that if we were going to do "word of mouth" adoption that the more people that knew about it the better. She instructed us to tell everyone that we knew, for them to tell everyone they know, and so on.

We have been sharing our news for the past month with our families and close friends.

Putting that decision out there for the world to see was a little scary. Not knowing how people would judge us. From the beginning of our journey I have never wanted to give up on our ability to have a child. Part of sharing meant that I could possibly get judgement, that we had given up. Which I never want anyone to think. We will not ever give up on this.

Boy, was I wrong.

I cried most of the day Monday as I read the things that people wrote about us as they shared our story on social media.

Everyday people thinking that we would be great parents. People that I haven't talked to in years, or seen since graduating high school. People that didn't have to say anything, or share it for that matter.

We are so humbled and grateful for all of the people that have shared our story. Or talked to their friends and family about us. Just spreading the word.

We know that this brings us that much closer to having our family complete, something that we have been waiting for, for a long time.

For that we are so indebted to all of you. I feel as if "thank you" is certainly not enough.

We thank you from the bottom of our hearts! And are so grateful for each and every one of you.

Update from Infertility Study

I received the final dissertation from my infertility study that I was a part of this past spring.

I forgot all the raw emotions that I had while doing this. As I have been reading through the dissertation I am so thankful that I was a part of it.

Even though it doesn't seem like much has changed, I have grown so much since doing those interviews.

I was still very bitter and scared of the unknown that is infertility.

Now I am at a much happier place in my journey and have discovered many things about myself. My self worth is much more positive and I now know that there is absolutely nothing that I could have done that would have made this not happen to me.

That in itself gives me such peace of mind.

The purpose of the dissertation is to give the public, as well as doctor's a better view of what it is like to live the life of an infertile woman and an infertile couple.

All people that were interviewed were kept anonymous. My pseudo name was "Natalie" for those that are interested in reading through it.

Dissertation Publication - Infertility Study

Our First Adoption Meeting

We had our first adoption meeting today. We got to meet Paula, all three of us clicked from the moment we met each other.

She had received our packet and read through it before our meeting. The meeting started out with introductions. Then she said so many people have questions about adoption so she wanted to go through the different ways.

• Word of Mouth Adoption (this is the option we are choosing) - tell everyone you know that you are looking for a match. That way they can tell everyone they know and so on and so forth
• She gave us the name of a local lawyer that gets the calls from the local hospitals when a woman comes in to give birth and is unable to take them home
• Agency Adoption - Very expensive, we would be spending between $20,000 - $25,000. American adoptions is the most known place. They have an office in Rogers, AR.
• An advantage to this is that the mother is taken care of by the agency
• Private Lawyers - This is also very expensive, most places cost about $30,000. She gave us some names of some highly recommended lawyers

In the state of Arkansas the window before the actual adoption can take place is 5 days. So, from the day the baby is born they have 5 days to change their mind. This is one of the things that scares both of us the most. Receiving a child and then getting it taken away from us. However, you miss 100% of the chances that you don't take and we are willing to take this chance.

She also talked to us about the adoption tax credit, you get this back the year that you have placement of a child.

We scheduled our home study for Wednesday November 5th  Thursday November 13th. She will come to our house and check everything out to make sure that we have room for a child. She will also interview us individually at that time, this is part of the whole process.

We discussed timing, she said based on our preferences it could happen as soon as the home study is done, or it could take months. You just never know. 

We are hoping for the best, that our home study passes. I am not that worried about this, she told us that our paperwork was all great and that there were no red flags. 

Our next plan is to get in touch with the lawyer that is local and get put on her list. 

We are so excited and feel like this is all happening very quickly now!

So excited to become parents!

Adoption 101

After making the decision to adopt we know that we have to get the right people in place and the knowledge of it in order for that to happen.

I have a friend from high school (thank you Barbara!) that has adopted and she gave me the name of a lady that is local. I spoke with her at the beginning of October, she said she would go ahead and send me the paperwork and we set up our very first meeting that would be on October 22nd. That gave us about two weeks to get together the paperwork that she would be sending us.

I received the packet in email form, it is 52 pages long! Half of it was for me and the other half for Benji to fill out.

The beginning is personal background information, name/DOB, etc. Then you go in to describing your personality, how others would describe you, what your goals are, what your life challenges have been/are. The next pages are about your family, how you were raised, how you were disciplined. How we think we would parent together, would we do the same things our parents did or change things up? Then there is a section about our education, work history, ethical and religious values. There are a lot of questions on adoption. What you think about it, how you came to terms with being ready for it. Lots of questions on marriage, what makes you a good spouse, what makes your partner a good spouse, etc. There are about 4 pages on infertility, how it makes you feel, how it has affected your marriage. Assets and liabilities, you have to list your monthly income, what monthly expenses come out, what you have in your bank accounts. 

It is a lot of information, I understand why they do it. They have to make sure you are ready to become parents and are emotionally, physically and financially able to become a parent. 

I am not going to lie. There were some HARD questions in there. We each filled our paperwork out on our own and then I had to put them both together to compile them to be able to send them in. We have been married for just under 7 years, and have know each other for almost 14. It is crazy to me how much we are on the same page without even discussing things. I love that about our relationship. It has always been easy. 

One of the questions that sticks out in my mind is what you want your child/children to remember most about you when they look back on their childhood. We both answered with the time that we spend with them making memories.

We also had to have three reference letters completed. We gave them to our friends/family members that we chose for them to fill out and send in. 

Now the next thing we wait for is our appointment!

Our Next Step

We have been taking a break from everything to do with infertility. Just taking the time to be a couple without the stress of everything. This is easier said than done though, especially with me. I take supplements in the morning and at night, as well as my thyroid medication and HRT. This is an everyday reminder to me of what I have.

Ever since being diagnosed we have fought with everything we have to be able to reverse this nasty disease. However, during the course of the last two years we have chatted about adoption a time or two. Always saying that we would come back to it when and if we are ready. 

When we were on our vacation in July at the beach we had a date night. That night after we got back to the condo we walked down to the beach and sat in some chairs and just talked. Talked about where we have been in regards to being childless, what we are currently doing and what the future looked like for both of us. We both know that we do not want to live our lives without kids. So, after about an hour we decided that we wanted to look in to adoption and see what it was all about, since neither of us know much about it, just the normal things you hear from people. The high cost of it and the long waits for child placement.

After arriving back home to our normal everyday routines, I had been looking online through the state's website. You can sign up through there and submit your application online. That starts the process, then you go through a home study, about 30 hours of classes as a couple and then you are open to get children. 

I wanted so badly to fill out the application and submit it, we were ready for the next step. All that was standing between us was that one little submit button. Before hitting it, we talked about it again and decided we just weren't ready. One thing about marriage is that there is an ebb and flow, you have to compromise, be on the same page. Especially about life altering decisions. So we waited. And thought more and more about it.

One thing that infertility will teach you is to be patient. And I have a feeling through the adoption process we will be learning more and more about patience.

We were sitting out on our deck one night, just chatting about life. And I brought up the whole adoption discussion again. We talked about the things that we are both scared of. We talked about the joy that it will bring us. 

I do believe the two additional months that we both waited and reflected made us even more ready for our journey ahead. 

Since then I had been reading a lot about the differences in state adoption and private adoption. State adoption you normally get older kids, you do have a chance of younger but not a big one. With private you are able to get an infant. 

That saying that "everything happens for a reason" is so true, especially in this case. I think that we would have rushed the thought and actions the two months prior so I am so glad we waited. 

That brings me to where we are today. We are going to adopt, preferably an infant, a child that we can raise with our own morals and values. A child that we can show them the value of family, growing up with the two great families that we are blessed to be a part of.

We are so excited about our future and what the coming months will hold for us. We are happy to announce that we have officially begun our journey to adopt!

Inspiration Boards

I have had this idea in my head for awhile. Ever since I started blogging I have really tuned in to different quotes that I LOVE.

I went to Hobby Lobby and was able to get some accessories and make my idea turn in to our bathroom wall decoration.

This is the view looking down the wall

First board

2nd board

3rd board

View from the other end

Love being able to see all of these quotes each morning. They help me keep things in perspective and start my day off right. I read most of them while I am drying may hair each day.

I truly believe that seeing is believing, so this helps me with that aspect of my infertility. And makes me keep my hope alive.

Hormone Replacement Therapy - HRT

Since being diagnosed with Osteopenia, my doctors have stressed the importance of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). Since my body is in premature menopause my estrogen is low which normally happens much later in life. With me being so young it is important that my bones are protected since they will be without it for much longer.

I am the type of person that likes to think things out. These are big decisions in my life, taking something for the rest of my life. I was on birth control for 12 years, I don't know for a fact if that had anything to do with my POF, but my body was being tricked each month by hormones that I wasn't actually producing myself. So, I have been thinking about what to do since the end of July.

Since this journey started I have taken a more natural approach, because that is what I believe in. I do not want to force something if it isn't going to happen on it's own naturally. But with saying that I do want to be able to live a long and healthy life the best I can.

My thyroid doctor offers bio-identical hormone replacement. The thyroid medication that I am taking, prescribed by him, is natural instead of synthetic as well.

Natural or bio-identical hormones are the exact same molecular form of the hormones that humans naturally make. They are made from a natural hormone in sweet potatoes or soy beans that is easily converted to natural human hormones.

Based on this information I knew this was the therapy for me.

I made an appointment and went in on Wednesday, 10/1. We discussed the different options, since I had already researched it some we were able to talk awhile about it. One thing that I love about Dr. O is that he takes the time to explain things to me. There is nothing more I don't like than a doctor not willing to talk to me and treat me like a number. He is the exact opposite of that.

I had my blood drawn to check my Estradiol and Progesterone. He also wanted to check my vitamin D, I have been taking this in supplement form as well as calcium and magnesium for my optimal bone health.

• Vitamin D, 25-Hydroxy came back as 86.3 ng/mL, this was in range
• Estradiol came back as 49.5 pg/mL, this should be in between 60 and 100
• Progesterone came back as .4 ng/mL, this should be in between 10 and 20

Not really alarming news to me, when I have had my estrogen and progesterone tested before they always came back low. So, I wasn't expecting any different.

After speaking with the doctor he went ahead and put two prescriptions for me, one for estradiol - .5 mg and one for progesterone - 100mg. We are starting out low and slow to see how my body reacts to it and then will increase the dosages if needed. 

That brings me to today. 

I went by the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions so I could start taking them. Since it is Friday I decided to just go through the drive thru so I could get home since we had plans for the night.

The lady grabs the two prescriptions, then gets on the speaker. She apologized first, I am guessing because she can see that I am younger, then she said I have to ask you a question in order to be able to give these to you. From the moment she said that, I already knew...

Are you pregnant? 

I swallowed hard and simply said no. This is such a heartbreaking thing for me to answer. Then I got to thinking, crap...I am going to have to answer this every time I am guessing. 

She apologized again, she was a very sweet lady. Stating that by law she has to ask the question. I get it, I understand...but that doesn't make it easier.

As she was sending them out, I asked her if there was a way they could put something on my file. She said no, there was a place to put if you ARE pregnant but there is no where for her to put if you aren't/can't become pregnant. Wonderful news! Oh the joys of infertility.

So, that is one set of prescriptions I will be sure my husband picks up!

Back to School

We have been on our journey through infertility now for a year and a half. The beginning was definitely the most emotional for me. Trying to get through all the information and understanding one sentence that will forever change two people's lives.

Once we digested the initial shock we went in to battle mode. How are we going to beat this? Researching, researching, researching. Looking for success stories to boost our confidence and trying to beat the odds that are stacked very high against us.

Two infertility clinics later we knew that the way for us to go was a more natural path. Our odds according to those doctors weren't very good so we didn't have much to lose.

I have been completely focused on that for the past year, a year and two and a half months to be exact. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that long but sometimes if feels like an eternity.

Things have started to slow down for us. I have taken herbs and supplements for longer than I have planned, I tried acupuncture. Got the right medication to get my thyroid on track. Doing my Mercier Therapy to get rid of my scar tissue and get everything flowing and moving correctly.

When we began the natural journey I was sure that it was going to work, isn't that how things always are at the beginning?! I still have hope, my light is just a little dimmer than it was at the beginning. I will never give up on this, for as long as I live. I will continue to research and find new things that are working for people and happening in the infertility world. But, sometimes one can only take so many hits before it starts getting to them.

This past Sunday I was scrolling through Facebook. I started noticing all of the back to school posts about people getting all of their child's things together for their very first day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, junior high...etc.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these people are my age. Friends, people I went to school with, family. Everyone but me is getting ready to send their kids back to school.

Not me.

It is crazy how the world of social media can sometimes make you feel inadequate or lonely. When it should be the complete opposite of that.

I decided last Sunday to take a break. From all of it. No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all of the back to school posts that were to come the very next morning. I cried myself to work every day this week and every day on the way home. Passing school busses, school zones, kids walking down the sidewalk.

This week was one of the hardest weeks of my infertility journey. I think last year at this time I was so focused on me and the journey I was on and the newness of figuring out what to do and what the next thing would be to get me pregnant. That I didn't have time to see it or get down about it.

Not this year.

It has been kind of nice to be disconnected from the world for the past 6 days. Just me and my thoughts. Not comparing myself to others, not seeing birth announcements, not seeing the daily reminder that I don't have kids and am clearly not pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE these things. I love children. I love my family and I love my friends and all of their kids. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to see pictures of my friends and family that are far away that I don't get to see all the time, and keeping up with them and what they are doing.

Life just sucks sometimes and this is one of those times. Life is not fair. That is one lesson that I have learned the hard way.

I am glad I have had this week to reflect. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is my motto lately.

Just being real and writing out my thoughts so that when I do have my baby I can look back and see the journey it took and to be so thankful for the things I do have in life.

Loving this quote lately and it is so true!

Biggest Group Yet!

We had another infertility support group meeting tonight. It was our biggest group yet, 8 people! It is such a blessing to have this support at this time in my life.

Great night at The Pressroom

They get what I am going through and always know the right things to say. I always look forward to our meetings and can't wait for the next one!

Osteo What?!

At my Endo appointment that I had in June the doctor brought up the need for me to get a bone density scan (DEXA scan). This wasn't new to me. Both RE's that I have been to suggested the same thing. This doctor explained it to me a little differently which actually made me go through with getting it.

He told me that they need a base line so that they can compare my bone scans later on in life. Most women go through menopause at the average age of 50. The loss in estrogen which protects the bones can make them lose their density over time.

I set up a scan when I got back from our vacation which was two Monday's ago. It was really simple. Change in to a hospital gown, lay on a table while a machine went up and down over me. Then I had to lay on my side while the machine did it's work again. All in all it took about 5 minutes, they told me it was the easiest scan I would ever have. I wasn't anxious to get the results. It was just a base line test so there wasn't really anything I was planning on finding out about anyway. By now I have become a pro at the waiting game from doctors.

I was in the waiting room longer than it took me to get the scan completed

Tuesday night while I was making dinner, my phone rang. I looked at it and it showed the Endo office's number. Odd I thought, calling after five. I picked up and heard the doctors voice, he stated his name...my heart instantly dropped to my stomach. When a doctor calls you after five you know they aren't calling about good news.

He told me that my results had come back, and that I have bone loss in my spine. My hips are fine. The measurement is based off T-scores. A "normal" 30 year old should be at zero. 30 years old is the optimum age of your bones so that is what they base it off of. From zero to -1.0 you are good. 

He told me that the diagnosis is called Osteopenia. Osteo what? was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I pulled it up on my iPad as he was still explaining things to me. Not that I really heard anything after the first couple sentences. I was in complete shock.

Osteopenia is when the bone mineral density is lower than normal. It is considered by many doctors to be a precursor to Osteoperosis. The score is -1.0 to -2.5. I came in at -1.4.

Suggestions for treatment are to continue taking my calcium and vitamin D supplements. And to get on HRT. I have been staying away from HRT, but figure I should start looking in to it again. I have read so many negative things about it and it scares me to go on it at such a young age. My plan is to get a list of options and look at the pros and cons of each one. Other suggestions are to do strength training to keep my muscles and bones strong. Continue doing yoga as it strengthens the body and mind.

After the phone call I went back to making dinner, trying to get my mind off of it. I decided I would pull myself together and not tell the hubs until after we had time to enjoy our dinner together. For some reason these things always sound good in my head. 

I put on a smile when he came in the door. Kept cooking. I had left the iPad on the bar which is a place that it normally isn't laying. He instantly noticed it and asked what I was looking up. That was all it took...complete waterfalls coming out of my eyes. He really is the best husband and partner for me. Always knows what to say and how to comfort me. Tells me that we will get through this together. I appreciate him for all of those things more than he will ever know.

It has only been two days so I am still trying to comprehend it all. I feel like my list of "things" just keeps adding up when it comes to my health. All of the symptoms and problems that come along with Premature Ovarian Failure. Yipee for me.

I still struggle with the infertility aspect, let alone the health aspects.

All I know is that there has to be a reason for all of this. Something that I may never know the answer to and why it is all happening. All I can do is keep going each day and living my life. 

I hope and pray each day that I am doing the right things when it comes to my health. Still so many things that I feel like a 30 year old shouldn't have to be thinking about...

Loving this quote lately

My heart aches for a baby and it aches for things to go back to normal. I realize that I have a new normal and things will never go back to the way they were. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. Don't we all just wish we could take the good things and not the bad!

Still taking my break as we are quickly going through this summer. It has been nice to not think about all the doctors appointments, reading blogs and researching new things that I can do in order to reverse my diagnosis. 

Just taking it day by day and being thankful for what I DO have.

Coffee Date

We had another infertility support group meeting tonight. I LOVE these meetings with these wonderful ladies that are in my life.

They just get it. Period. They get the struggles, the heartache, the grieving and the loss. It is such a breath of fresh air each time that we get together and meet. We laugh, we cry and just let it all out.

This week we went to a local coffee bar/restaurant that is on our square, Pressroom.

Since we met around dinner time we all ended up eating and just chatting about where we are in our journey's. We also had a new girl that came, I am so glad she did!

I am so grateful to have met these women and to be a part of this group. I know that this is one of the silver linings to my infertility. If I wouldn't have to go through all of this I would have never have met them. 

And for that I am very grateful.

Painting With a Twist

We had our 3rd NWA Infertility Support group meeting last night. One of the suggestions when we met last time was to go to a local painting studio. You can go as a group and learn how to paint a picture. We all decided we would go to the "Funky Blues" session.

When signing up you can put in the comments who you want to sit with or what group you are with, so we were all put together.

It was a great atmosphere and vibe. A very eclectic range of music and a bar with wine and beer.

My place at the table

There were a couple of games that they play to break up the painting a bit and to keep it fun. One was a riddle/poem. For each thing you had it told you how many numbers to right down and the person with the highest number wins.

It started out with your color of hair, if you were wearing a sweater, etc. Then it went in to how many years you have been married, all the while you are tallying your points. I think we all kind of knew where it was going after that. The next one was however many girl kids you had you got so many points and boys were more points. I understand these are normal questions that people ask in life. Being infertile you learn to deal with it. But, that doesn't make it any easier. It was so nice to have the group all together at that moment. They understand the feelings when it comes to questions about how many kids you have. In the end we were all able to laugh about it.

Painting our masterpieces

The second game was much easier, guess how many corks are in a big glass bowl. I never win anything. And I WON!!! I was supposed to get a painting of my choice that was hanging on the wall but decided to just ask for a free t-shirt.

All in all it was an amazing night. I feel so understood with this group of women. I don't have to worry what I say that it will hurt someone's feelings. We just let it all out there. I am so thankful to have found this group and to have this kind of support through this journey.

I am a firm believer that people are put in your life for a reason. I may not know that reason now but am definitely counting my blessings.

The final result!