The Dreaded Test

I have been contemplating on whether or not I should write about this.  But, when I started this blog I promised myself that I would document my ENTIRE journey.  And this is just part of it.

When I first stopped taking my birth control pills and didn't have a period I thought as everyone would that I may be pregnant.  I mean, it happens to people while they are on the pill, so surely it could happen right after I stopped.  During that time I always made sure to have a box of pregnancy tests handy.  I would take one every now and then since I hadn't had a period.  After I went to the doctor and got the news that they think I won't have children I quit putting myself through the agonizing pain of taking the tests.

Since I have been on my natural path it has always been in the back of my mind that I should take a test, but I haven't done it.  Mostly because I have always received a negative result so why would I want to keep reminding myself of it.

Well, today was that day.  I have been doing my fertility massages for three weeks.  There is no scar tissue left and my ovaries have become normal size again.  Since I haven't gotten my period yet, most girls do by this time, I thought I should just take a test and be pleasantly surprised.

And once again, that damn stick proved me wrong.  It is kind of crazy if you think about it, one stick, with one or two words on it can completely change your life.

I think all women who struggle with infertility grow to hate these things as much as I do.  It is such a let down.  Just when you think you know your body has changed, BAM it slaps you right back down.  You want to be excited about it but you know month after month it is going to say the same thing.  Today was no different.  I try to not let it bother me, and I have to say I do a pretty good job at it.  But sometimes it just gets to you.  For me mostly it is while I am driving and have plenty of time to myself and time to think.  I drive down the road with tears just streaming.  I am sure I get weird looks from other drivers but I don't care.  It is my time and if that is how I let it out, that is my thing.

I can't wait for the day that I can prove that stick wrong!