Good Days and Bad Days

I have many more good days than bad.  But when I have a bad one it just hits me like a ton of bricks.

I have been continuing with my herbs/supplements, bi weekly acupuncture, weekly Merciér therapy, castor oil packs, fertility tea and vaginal steams.  The only thing that I have changed is I stopped drinking my wheat grass each morning. It was the worst part of my regimen and I was just over it.

We have been very busy with the holidays.  Which leaves not a lot of time to think...just going from one place to another.  It has been a nice break from the day to day routine.

This whole infertility thing is not easy.  Especially around the holidays.  Just another reminder that we don't have children.  I would love to wake up Christmas morning and be able to see the joy of a child first thing. Kids just make things more fun. I feel like I have a hole in my heart, like I need to grieve something but can't really do it because it is such an unknown.  Sometimes I feel like I am just stuck.  I know this too shall pass and I just have to be patient, but that isn't always easy to do.

Yesterday we went to the Razorback basketball game.  As we were driving home there is a huge sign that shows the number of births that a local hospital system has for the year. Since it is the end of the year the number was very large. This didn't seem to bother me at first. Once we got home I couldn't stop thinking about it. It just consumed my mind. It was a HUGE number and I have doctors telling me I can't be a part of it.  It is just not fair.  

On top of that, my whole weight thing really hit me last night.  My clothes have been tighter and everything I do (diet and exercise), nothing seems to change that. I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. And when I do it is like I don't even recognize the person I look like anymore. Now I know logically speaking this probably has to do with my thyroid from the tests I finished taking, but it still makes me feel like it is just another thing wrong with me which isn't easy to take in either.

I ended up in our bedroom crying my eyes out.  Sometimes I just have to let it all out.  I always feel so much better after that.  

I have said this before and I would say it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My husband is amazing. He always comes to my side to comfort me and to make it all better. I would be completely lost without him. Even though I am sure he thinks I am crazy sometimes - I just cry out of the blue for no reason at times! He never even flinches to be right by my side. I am so blessed to have him in this journey with me.

I found this quote online and I just love it!

Barnes Thyroid Test - Final Results

I finished my Barnes thyroid test today.  I failed it.

There are two different ways I can look at this:

1. I failed ANOTHER test - just another way of my body not functioning correctly
2. Happy that I have peeled back another layer of this diagnosis and will be able to get some answers

I am going to go with the 2nd. (The first is what originally crossed my mind but I told myself to suck it up and that I need to stay positive).  Like I have said before attitude is EVERYTHING and you choose what your day will be.  You get a clean slate each morning when you wake up - you can choose to make it a good day or choose to make it a bad day.  

My average temperature was 97.2.  Based on the paperwork this would be considered hypothyroid. The interesting thing is that when I Googled hypothyroid and infertility there are numerous articles about infertility and thyroid problems.  This intrigues me and I can't wait to find out more about it.  I am scheduled to go back to acupuncture the second week in January so I will give her the results and we will discuss the next steps from there.  

Acupuncture and Barnes Thyroid Test

I had an acupuncture appointment today.  A few weeks ago I had found an article on a page in a group that I am part of that had an article about a girl with POF and different acupuncture points that were used for 9 months and she was able to get her period back.

Dr L had reviewed this and had some questions to ask.  First, she gave me a piece of paper with 4 different options.  She asked me to choose which one best fit my symptoms.  As I was looking through them none of them had a lot of my symptoms.  As I have gone through this whole journey and with everything I have read most people with POF have a lot more menopausal symptoms.  I do not, just an absence of my menstrual cycle.

We discussed this and I chose the best option. She then took a look at my tongue, it looked healthy.  I asked her about this and she said you can tell a lot by a person's tongue.  So, I am glad mine looked healthy.

She also did some different points.  I was a little nervous because the first ones were in my back. She put them in at an angle and then I laid down on my back so she could put all the other needles in the points on the front of my body.  Strangely enough I didn't feel the needles in my back while I was laying on it.

We also discussed my thyroid.  On all of my blood tests from the beginning of the year this level came back regular.  My TSH level came back as 1.28 - completely normal range.  She asked if I would be willing to take my temperature each day.  I already do this with a digital thermometer in my mouth to see if I am ovulating or not.  She explained that this was a throw a way thermometer that you place under your armpit and take it before you get out of bed or do anything in the morning.  I agreed.  I mean who wouldn't want to take their temperature by mouth and under your armpit at the same time each morning before getting out of bed before you are really awake?!

I brought home the test and will take it for 10 days in a row.  My average temperature for those 10 days should be 97.8 or above.  If it is below then more than likely my thyroid is abnormal.  This would explain the 30 lbs that I have gained since all of this has started.  And no matter what I do I can't seem to get it off.

My homework is also to take a look at my pills that I currently take to see if any of them have iodine or kelp in them.  Dr L says this is a natural way to get the thyroid to even back out.

The thermometer is called Tempa-DOT, it is a single use thermometer that I will use each morning and throw away.  The kit came with 10 strips.

Snowed In

I live in Northwest Arkansas, some winters are good and some not so much. This winter, according to all the old wives tales is supposed to be a bad one. As soon as the weather channels start tracking a storm that is all the buzz in this area. Sometimes they are dead on and other times not even close with their snow fall amounts. This time was actually correct.

We started out with sleet for a few hours and then got about 8 inches of snow on top of that. Arkansas doesn't really have the equipment to keep up with the roads. I have been working from home since last Thursday. I get a lot of work done while I am at home, a lot less distractions.  

This is our baby, Kyzer.  In case you can't tell from his face he doesn't like the snow!

The snow is very pretty.  I was able to get out and scoop a path for the dog.  He is so spoiled!

Then I took pictures from the back of our house, while he stayed inside and enjoyed the warmth!

Cabin fever was starting to set in by Friday night so we decided to go the Razorback basketball game on Saturday.  We try to make it to most of the home games.  My father in law, brother in law, his friend and Benji and I went.  Even though it took us an hour and a half to get there, normally it is around 40 minutes, it was worth it to get out of the house!

Sunday we decided to get out again since we were running low on groceries.  We picked up my sister in law and niece and nephew to get them out of the house for a bit as well.  It is always fun to spend time with them.

It has been kind of nice to take a break from everyday life for a few days.  Especially around the holidays. 

This is my first year of being infertile around the holidays.  I am trying to make the best of it.  

I have a love/hate relationship with social media. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing everyone's pictures and updates but it is hard to see that when you are told you can't have children. It makes it even more real. Everyone my age is pregnant, everyone has kids that they are snuggled up in their houses with and sledding with. And I am at home, not pregnant and with no kids. I have my "baby" but he doesn't talk back, which I guess that could be a good thing, ha! I don't say this to hurt anyone's feelings, just want to get all my emotions out there and be able to look back on this one day.  

Being snowed in does have its positives too, lots of time for trying to make babies! That is probably too much information for most of you but I am just keeping it real. So I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for our little miracle baby.

Acupuncture - Auricular Acupuncture Therapy

I had an acupuncture appointment today.  My acupuncturist did the normal points and then she also did the points in my ears again.  We did this previously in July and August. 

This is a picture of what the needles look like while they are in my ear. (Note: this is not my actual ear, just a picture off the internet)  I never knew how hard it was to take a picture of your own ear!

The ear is also known as an inverted fetus concept - meaning if you look at someone's ear upside down it looks like a fetus.  There are known points in the ear that have effects on the reproductive system.

Auricular acupuncture is a treatment system based on normalizing the body's pain and dysfunction through stimulation of points on the ear. 

This involves needling points in the ear that correspond to different organ systems in the body. The ear points can be needled with conventional needles, sometimes, small seeds or specialized "press" needles are used.

The usual selected auricular points for fertility treatment are:

1. Kidneys
2. Uterus
3. Liver
4. Spleen
5. Ovary
6. Endocrine System 

Each time three to five points are selected and strong stimulation is applied on them.

Here is a diagram of the different points.

After I was finished with the needle part she attached the "press" needles that are left on those pressure points until they fall off, or they will hopefully stay on until I go back in two weeks.  Here is a picture of what my ears look like with them on.  I call them my earrings!

When I had these over the summer they didn't last the two weeks, I think that was mostly due to swimming.  So hopefully they will stay on longer this time. 

They don't hurt at all, just a little awkward at times.  The needles that go in to my ears during acupuncture hurt a little more than most of the needles.  I think this is due to not having that many soft spots on your ears, especially at the top.  But, it only stings a little going in and then I can't feel them.  

It is always nice to get a nap in at lunch too!

4th week of Merciér Therapy

Today was my 4th week or Merciér therapy.  I had one session on Tuesday and one session today, this was my 12th session.

When I signed up for this that was the agreement.  12 sessions - 3 to 4 times a week.  I think that I felt things would be different by this point.  Meaning I would have started my period.  I am disappointed that I haven't. Since I haven't started yet we are going to do one session each week until I do.  Part of the program is six additional massages after you have completed the 12 sessions.  So these will be part of the whole package.

But I can't short change things either.  A LOT has changed.  Even though I have not hit the final result that I wanted to yet there have been a lot of things that have changed.

I have zero scar tissue left that can be felt.  Just 4 weeks ago I thought that I didn't have a right ovary because it didn't come up on an ultrasound and couldn't be felt in my consultation and first session.  I have a lot more elasticity in my mid section.  Things feel much more open and free instead of tight and closed.

I am proud of myself for how far I have come since this diagnosis.  I have done a lot of things to change the results and just because I have yet to see those results change as a number or on a piece of paper I am at peace with what I have completed.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving day.  I am looking forward to traveling to Nebraska and spending the holidays with family.  It will also be  time to relax and let my mind take a break from infertility.  I will take my herbs and supplements with me and take those while we are out of town but  I will take a break from the wheat grass, castor oil packs and V steams.  It is just too much to travel with those things.

I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving and you get to spend time with your loved ones <3 I am so thankful and blessed!

I really love this quote...and I will live by that until my miracle happens.

The Dreaded Test

I have been contemplating on whether or not I should write about this.  But, when I started this blog I promised myself that I would document my ENTIRE journey.  And this is just part of it.

When I first stopped taking my birth control pills and didn't have a period I thought as everyone would that I may be pregnant.  I mean, it happens to people while they are on the pill, so surely it could happen right after I stopped.  During that time I always made sure to have a box of pregnancy tests handy.  I would take one every now and then since I hadn't had a period.  After I went to the doctor and got the news that they think I won't have children I quit putting myself through the agonizing pain of taking the tests.

Since I have been on my natural path it has always been in the back of my mind that I should take a test, but I haven't done it.  Mostly because I have always received a negative result so why would I want to keep reminding myself of it.

Well, today was that day.  I have been doing my fertility massages for three weeks.  There is no scar tissue left and my ovaries have become normal size again.  Since I haven't gotten my period yet, most girls do by this time, I thought I should just take a test and be pleasantly surprised.

And once again, that damn stick proved me wrong.  It is kind of crazy if you think about it, one stick, with one or two words on it can completely change your life.

I think all women who struggle with infertility grow to hate these things as much as I do.  It is such a let down.  Just when you think you know your body has changed, BAM it slaps you right back down.  You want to be excited about it but you know month after month it is going to say the same thing.  Today was no different.  I try to not let it bother me, and I have to say I do a pretty good job at it.  But sometimes it just gets to you.  For me mostly it is while I am driving and have plenty of time to myself and time to think.  I drive down the road with tears just streaming.  I am sure I get weird looks from other drivers but I don't care.  It is my time and if that is how I let it out, that is my thing.

I can't wait for the day that I can prove that stick wrong!